Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Grief Counseling

Tonight Matt and I had a counseling session through the M.I.S.S. Foundation, in connection with Forget-Me-Not. It was very therapeutic for both of us. I think Matt was relieved to find that he is grieving "normally", as a man would. I cried...a lot (go figure). It was good for me.
These women we met with have dealt with/are dealing with some incredibly hard situations, and I am amazed at their strength. Three of the women lost a child earlier this year. All having a different story to tell. Two of them had a few years behind them with the loss of their child. Then there was us, with just over 8 weeks left in the pregnancy and not knowing what to expect ahead.
I am glad that I what I am feeling is "normal". How I have reacted to people is "normal". I can't even begin to explain how...nervous, anxious, terrified and saddened I am about giving birth to this child. I guess because I am so emotional right now, I can't imagine feeling this way and having to go through the delivery.
The holidays scare me! We have so much to deal with from November 22- January 11, with Thanksgiving, Matt's birthday, our 8th anniversary, this baby being born, a funeral, Christmas, more birthdays...I just want Brinley to not have a mother who is "out of it" for the season. We are going to discuss the holidays at the next meeting.
I remember when Nick and Megan (sorry to pick on you guys), Matt's nephew, lost their son, Christian, who was stillborn. I felt so bad for them. I didn't know what to say to them or even begin to imagine what they were going through. I remember seeing pictures of the funeral at Matt's sister, Juli's house and just crying for them. I had had my, I believe, 3rd miscarriage during her pregnancy, and if I remember correctly, we would have been a week or so apart. I had the most jealous feeling of how lucky they were to have gotten to see their baby and hold him, and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get that chance, ever (this was before Brinley). At the same time, I couldn't believe I could think something as inappropriate and selfish as that. I know now that Megan cherishes every movement Christian made. Their loss was sudden, and I am lucky enough to have time to prepare. My hope is that I get to hear even the tiniest noise this baby makes, that I will get to see this baby look at me. Matt and I don't expect a miracle, we just want a few moments.

1 comment:

kim said...

It's a bit different, but I told Kevin I wished it had been his dad that had died and not mine. It sounds awful I know. The thing I learned was it is your grief and you need to deal with it the only way you know how. Don't worry about others feelings. They'll still be there when you come out it. I'm glad that you have found such a wonderful support system.