Sunday, December 2, 2007

3 weeks

Three weeks ago today, my sweet Olivia was, Dec. 2nd, was my official due date.
It has been one of my hardest days emotionally. I realize how fast time goes by and how much I miss my baby. There is a constant "how big would she be"..."what would her cry sound like"...etc.
So, throughout my day, I reminisced about our day at the hospital...remembering her smell, the feel of her soft skin, her funny little smooshed nose, her sweet little face, giving her a bath and dressing her. I think about these things everyday, but today seemed especially symbolic...i guess.
Saturday morning Brinley had gotten into bed with us. I woke up to my little family, Brinley and Matt laughing and playing games. The first thought that came to my mind was that my little Olivia wasn't here with us to together.
I know that I am just going to have days like this and I will burst into tears at any given time (like right now) and that is all part of the process. It doesn't help that my hormones are a little out of whack either.
Having this blog has been a big help to my grieving. I am able to relieve a lot of emotion, rather than try to talk to someone through a gallon of tears. I thank those of you who read it, because you know what I am going through without me having to tell explain myself everytime I see you. It also gives you an opportunity to experience a little of my life in case you ever have to experience it yourselves or know another person who may have to go through this. Did that make any sense?
I feel so much better but my eyes and head hurt, so I am going to bed now. Goodnight.


Josh n Betsie said...

OH arah we love you and it is totally understandable that you cry alot. I would cry also.

kim said...

Thank you for sharing all that you feel. I think about you all the time and when you add a post it's like a mini chat with you. I really like the book by Russell M. Nelson, The Gateway We Call Death. In it he says the only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. That helped a bit because I couldn't imagine never having loved. Another quote from the book, which can help me now, (it didn't when the grief was so strong) by Orson F. Whitney, " No pain that we suffer, no tiral we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender abd charitable, more worthy to be called children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come to aquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."
Love you!!!

arah said...

thank you Kim...I needed that.

janet said...

Arah- I love that you are so open and honest in your posts! You are real and I love reading your blog.. and I know I need tissues every time I log onto it.

I can only imagine what your hormones are doing! I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and it felt like FOREVER before I felt like myself again. You are allowed to cry all you want-- Olivia will always be a part of you and your family. I am so glad you have your beautiful daughter and your sweet husband to spend the holidays with!

I love the quote that Kim posted. It really helped me and I am not going through "real" struggles. I think it's important to know that your life will never be what it used to be.. you are a new person (and a new family) after this experience.

Thanks so much for sharing and helping all of us that need your strength, humility and faith!! You're such an incredible example to me!

julie said...

arah, we love you guys and had so much fun the other night. we'll have to finish off our risk game over the next few weeks when the kiddo's are distracted. oh, ya for a good stroll down memory lane & a laugh- go check out alisons blog, she's got a picture of that old square trampoline!! they still have it!

Josh n Betsie said...

no Im not starting to show yet. I am sure I will any day now and then there is no going back. There aren't any pictures of me because Josh doesn't take any. Oh well. I hope you are doing well. Love ya

Francine said...

Arah, you don't know but I'm a good friend of Janet's. I logged on to see your Christmas card holder (which is such a great idea) and wanted to see how you were doing after losing your sweet Olivia. I'm sorry I didn't comment before. I have two girls myself and will hold them a little tighter because of your post and really because of all you've been through. My heart really goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers although we've never met. Thank you for sharing to remind me how precious our families are and how important the gospel is in our lives.