Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I spent yesterday having anxiety attacks. Not little ones, MAJOR anxiety attacks...I haven't had one since early March, when I found out I was pregnant.
I was by myself most of the day while Brinley spent the day at Cody's house playing. As I sat at my computer working on pictures for my nephew, David, it hit me. I had to get out of the house, needing to be around people. Off to Walmart I went. I wandered mostly. I felt better so I came back home to put groceries away. I had a small attack on the way home. I got the cold stuff put away and then went to see Matt. I was fine on the way to his work and then on the way home I had another major attack. There were 3 accidents on the freeway and I just thought about Brinley and if something was to happen to her and so I called and talked to her to make sure everything was okay and listen to her voice. I calmed down after talking to her and worked on pictures again.
I was fine through GNO. I have been cleaning some offices for a friend of mine while she is on vacation and while I was there in a big, quiet building by myslef, I have another major one. Matt stayed on the phone with me while i finished cleaning.
I think that the up-coming ultrasound has really got me nervous. I just don't want to find out that something is wrong again. And then the thought of something happening to Brinley really gets me worried. I can't imagine what it's like for people who deal with this everyday. Their days must be really hard. I can usually talk myself out of an attack, but because I was alone most of the day, I didn't have something to distract me.
Today is a new day and I am doing so much better and it's off to spend the day with my sister, Julie, and my sister-in-law, Becca, and all the kiddlings.
*my ultrasound is this Friday at 11am with a doctors appointment to follow. I will post as soon as I get home about what we are having, unless you get a phone call first...and you know who you are.


Karlene said...

You show so much courage to share with us "internets". Thank you. :)

We are praying for you and the baby - know that.

Anonymous said...

Hey if you are alone and need to talk come hang out at our house. Lots of entertainment going on.

As for the up coming ultrasound, no worries, God won't give you more trials than you can handle. Believe in the blessings you've been given.

:) Tiff

Karen said...

just know how many prayers you are in...and remember to take a step back and just breath...and take your worries to the Lord...He will give you comfort always...

Mary Child said...

I'm sure your feelings are completely normal Arah. Even just being pregnant can give women those panicky moments, and with all you've been through... it's pretty much to be expected.

On a completely unrelated topic, I would love to go visit Kim, but don't plan to do it anytime soon. The person on my blog asking how far Sacramento was from Bend ("The Child Family") is my sister-in-law, Jamie. She will be attending a wedding in Bend and was contemplating driving down to Sac while there.

BUT, I say we plan a reunion at Kim's and then all commit to 0going... I would LOVE it!

Brunabug said...

Arah you have been through a lot and like Mary said, it is completely normal to have panicky moments just because of being pregnant, but then put on top of that all that has happened, no wonder you are having so many. When I found out that we had a 1 in 15 chance of our baby having Downs Syndrome (nothing compaired to what you guys went through but still very scary to me when I first heard) I was very panicky too and had to call my husband. I was in Seattle with my friend Alyson on a short vacation in March. Just hearing his voice helped me, and he is good at being level headed and logical with the facts. I hope that you have someone like that you can talk too during those moments when you are freaking.

And yes, remember Heavenly Father will only allow the trials that you can handle, so if there is something going on with your little one know that you have him to help you through this. I don't think there is anything wrong, but I use this thought when I still worry about my little one. It helps me to face what ever comes my way.

I will keep you in my prayers too.
What is the date of the Ultrasound? I think you talked about it, but I forget the date. I would like to be praying for you during the time it is happening.


kim said...

I so wished I lived closer!!! My house is always open. I would love to be able to help you through this hard time. As you know, I am so not fond of little sayings meant to help someone feel better, but... I have learned if I can just put some of my issues (resentments) on a shelf and go on with my day that helps me get through each day a little easier. This is also easier said than done. But it is fabulous for me in my current living situation and frame of mind as to life, the gospel and all that. Feel free to call me anytime day or night--I have no husband home, I am a free woman! Love you!

Yes!!! Let's plan a trip to my house. I am all for it!!!

Karen said...

im up for a trip to Kim's!!!

Forever Young said...

I hate anxiety/panic attacks. I am definitely pone to them. Good luck at your appointment:) You'll be in our prayers

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you Arah. Having suffered terribly for many years with those panic attacks, I would not wish them on my worst enemy. At least you are smart enough to admit you are having them and talk to people and ask them for support. I wasn't that smart. Love you...

birdeeb said...

Oh wow! I can understand your concerns! I fear trying to even have kids after that miscarriage I had! And I worry about my kids daily! I feel blessed though because they do have their daddy watching them & not some stranger. Because I am here late I know you are ok because the baby is healthy! YAY! email me anytime you feel alone! It can be bad when you are all alone & thoughts come to your mind & it makes things worse...I have had that happen! ;o) check it daily!