today.

We are headed to a funeral today.

This past week I has brought back a lot of memories, good and bad, of what we went through more than 2 1/2 years ago. It feels different when it's family. There is more involved than taking photos for a family at the hospital. It involves making sure that everything this week goes smoothly and that they don't have to worry about whats for dinner, which funeral home to go with, where she will be buried, etc.

I was asked to prepare little Mackenzie for burial. Yesterday afternoon I went to the funeral home and got to hold my sweet little great niece one more time. It brought back memories of my little Olivia. It was the same room, the same funeral director...the same sweet compassion.

I was also invited to the birth. When you know people at the hospital, you know that they will have the best nurses on shift. That they will get the best care and that everything will hopefully flow well.

They were placed in what we call, the Olivia room... it was the first time I had set foot in there since Olivia was born. I took a deep breath before I entered. I had flashbacks of that night. I took pictures of Mackenzie in the same place Olivia had her pictures taken, again flashbacks. And as I wathced my nephew hold his tiny daughter, I was reminded of my husband and the sadness on his face when he held our tiny daughter.

It was good to be reminded of those times. It reminds me of why I do what I do and that we have been blessed by our loss. Others are blessed by our loss. Olivia is very much alive.

Today, Mackenzie will be placed right next to Olivia. I went to the cemetery yesterday evening. The grave had been opened, ready for today. I wanted to move away some of the dirt so that I could see Olivia's concrete box (this is what they placed her casket in). I just wanted to touch it. I can't imagine I'll ever get to be that physically close to her again. I won't have those feelings of her being out there all by herself anymore.

I know there will be a lot of tears today. I also know that Olivia and Mackenzie will be there with us, along with Christian.

*the Kunz family as a whole has had three babies die.

Christian Nicholas Call August 30, 2001 born still

Olivia Kamille Kunz November 11, 2007-November 11, 2007

Mackenzie Eva Kunz August 24, 2010 born still

relying on Him

A friend of mine, Karin, recently posted something on her blog that goes well with my last post. I thought I share some of it here.

I mentioned the "God does not give us more than we can handle" phrase. It's widely overused in times when it's not what a person/family wants to hear.

So I want to quote my friend...

"At the time it seemed comforting, a nice thing to believe.

Then the days went by, the weeks, the months.

My pain grew deeper and stronger and I started to wonder.

To wonder if this was really a promise of God.

So I opened up His book and came to fine...

there is no such verse. No such promise.

But what He does promise us is strength when we are weak.

Rest when our burdens are heavy.

Peace when our hearts are troubled.

He promises us struggles in life, but a Heaven without tears."

And my favorite part, which I feel is right on...

"So here is what I do believe...

God does in fact give us MORE than we can bear.

He allows it so we will rely on Him, not ourselves.

Rely on His strength, not our own."

So true.

comfort.

Just last week, a good friends sister tragically lost her husband, leaving her alone with four small boys, the oldest being 7. It has been devastating. I did not know her sister and his family personally but Matt knew him.

We have talked a lot about it and it really got us thinking about how when Olivia died, our lives were changed FOREVER and life for everyone around us had gone on. They had their responsibilities and families to take care of while we were now stuck in a consuming grief. People were preparing for the holidays...we were just trying to get through them. It was hard.

I have read the facebook page made for the family and their friends to leave memories, messages and photos. This man was loved...by many.

A quote came to mind.

"Never does one feel oneself so utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for great bereveament. I will not try it."

Jane Welsh Carlyle

Oh, how I wish people would have understood what we were feeling. What we STILL feel. I can't begin to imagine how this family feels. How this mother now has four boys to raise without their father.

I remember people telling us about the 'miracle of so-and so's baby and they lived and they are perfectly healthy now' and we felt as if they were telling us we didn't have enough faith to heal our daughter. We knew that she wasn't meant to be with us on earth. We were at peace with that. I know they meant well, but there are times when things are better left unsaid.

Our circumstances were obviously different than those of this family, but I am sure they don't want to hear the "God won't give you more than you can handle" Hallmark card line. However, there were many heartfelt cards that we recieved and I read through them a couple times a year.

What a person NEEDS is service. I remember getting service in the forms of babysitting (even for extended family members), books to read and movies to watch (for when I was pregnant still and couldn't sleep), meals were brought in, cleaning my house, doing yard work and running errands. Even a cash donation for the costs of the funeral, heastone, and even the bills.

I am so greatful for all the service that was provided for us. We didn't have to worry about anything except us.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to this family. I wish them comfort and understanding in the weeks, months and years to come. The grief will NEVER leave them and the normal they once felt is no longer that. A husband, father, son, brother and friend will be missed terribly.

book report. by Brinley

To get Brinley to read more this Summer, I am giving her a chance to write book reports on my blog. She thinks it's cool and went and grabbed the first book she could find: She got this book for free from her teacher last year. It's a super easy read for a 7 year old.

This is what she has to tell us about it:

' Well, it's about a dog that does the opposite that anybody in the family tells him except his owner, the boy. One day he ran all the way to the park and everybody calls his name but he won't come. The boy called his name and he comes to him. Buddy loves the boy. The end.'

Brinley gives this book a 10... ' because it's very funny and easy to read. I like the pictures too.'

Brinley has a TON of books, so I am hoping she will learn to love books as much as I do.

happiness is...

getting flowers from grubby little hands.

Mt. Spokane

We took a drive up to Mt. Spokane Sunday. I haven't been up there for years. The girls LOVED running around and collecting rocks and flowers...well, I think Sarah just loved being free to run and do whatever she pleased.

This is what Sarah looks like 90% of the time:dirty face. messy hair. happy.Brinley fould a few more rocks to add to her collection. She has found so many heart shaped rocks (like the onle in my header), it's awesome. All of them have been found in our yard except one, I think I've got 6-7 now. I LOVE these photos!!! The one above is awesome! The one below I took just before getting a family shot of the 4 of us, but it didn't turn out. I was there, here's a photo to prove it.

braids

I braided sarah's hair for the first time today. I could have braided it ages ago, but the kid doesn't sit still for very long. She does know that when I do her hair, it no longer hangs in her face and once in a while she will bring me a barrett and say "eehhhh" which means about a million and three things right now. It is so cute, and she started giggling and feeling her hair when I finished.

She is quite the cuddly baby and LOVES her daddy. When he leaves for work, she follows him to the door, gives him a kiss and stands at the window saying "bye, daddy", while waving her adorable little hand. She sure is a happy little things...busy, but happy.

teacher gift

I really should be cleaning my house (for the 100th time this week) and getting things ready for our trip, but I don't have the motivation at the moment and since Sarah is asleep, I can sit here without a kid hanging off me.

School got out last week. Brinely's teacher cried. It was sweet. It almost made me cry. I really loved her teacher. She was amazing. I got to know her fairly well from being in the classroom so much. She loves to read and since the weather here has been a bit on the cold and rainy side, I made her a lap quilt.

I love this quilt. I love the colors and the size. It was hard to give it up. I hope she liked it. She wouldn't look at the gifts that anyone brought into her. She was trying hard not to show emotion.

summer.

School is out in two weeks. Those two weeks are filled with fun field trips to the bowling alley and roller rink and a school play day. We will miss Brinley's teacher. She is AWESOME and AMAZING!
*

I'm excited about this Summer, mostly because I have projects in my head.
Next week, we will be putting up our wooden picket fence. Which means that I don't have to worry so much about Sarah running into the street. Holy cow, that kid is fast.
***
Next weekend I REALLY REALLY want to go here:We went last year. It was a blast. I, however, will not be one of the hundreds of women that show up early to stand in line for 2 hours before it opens because I will have my kidlets with me.
***
In just 3 weeks, we will be in Gearhart, Oregon at this lovely little place:We are all excited for this week long vacation. We haven't rented a house here before, but I've been to the cute little shops and ice cream shop there. Completely opposite of Seaside. Plus, we can drive on the beach.
***
A week later, Matt and Brinley fly down to Utah for a Family Reunion. Brinley is very excited about flying on a plane and asks me daily how much longer. I'm sad I have to miss it, but my sister, Julie, and I will be shooting the first of 6 weddings this Summer as Madeline James Photography along with senior, family and child portraits too. We are pretty excited.
***
On my to-do list are :
window boxes and a chicken coop...I WISH!.. but mine will look more like this: Brinley really, really wants a pet but we are allergic to cats (and do not like them anyway) and I would be stuck taking care of a dog (no thank you). So we thought about chickens. They are easy to keep and they produce something useful. We have the perfect space for them too.
***
I want to get the back section of our RV parking ready for raised garden beds or use the frame of the car canopy to build a large greenhouse, but I'm not sure if it's possible.
***
Slowly but surely, our little house is becoming OUR home. We are loving it more and more. Now, if we can just get the little baby birds to fly and leave our attic so we can fix the awnings and paint the house.

understanding.

Mother's day is my most unfavorite of all the holidays. It's not a celebration for me, it's a reminder that my child is dead.
The second year we were married, I had a miscarriage right before Mother's day. I sat in church as the Young Men passed around the flowers that are given every year to all women over the age of 18 even if you don't have children). I HATE those flowers. I know that they mean well, but I really hate them...can't they give out something different? I take one to be nice. Matt knows I hate them and carried it around for me. That little plant reminded me of what wasn't to be. I had failed as a mother.
Every year since, I look at Matt as those flowers get passed out at church. His comment is the same, "be nice...". I am sure I look annoyed and feel the urge to walk out of there.
When Olivia died, I changed. How could I not? I was now the parent of a dead child.
I am still the same, but changed.
There are things that I look at differently, things I feel differently. I have anxiety over dropping Brinley off at school, thinking something might happen to her and I won't be there. And every day, I give her a kiss and hug and tell her I love her, because I never know if that may be the last...sometimes I hug her a little too long and she notices, wanting me to let her go, and I do.
I snuggle and cuddle my little Sarah to sleep, giving her all of my attention and she knows it. Blissfully, she falls asleep in my arms every night, and I am okay with that because I get to hold her and stare at her perfect little body. And even when I am criticized for not letting her cry herself to sleep, I don't care, because they don't understand.
It isn't something that can be explained to some one who hasn't experienced having empty arms, and quiet nights, wondering what might have been. Who don't know the feelings of sadness that creeps up on you while your at the store buying apples for her grave or feeling her close while taking photos of another little perfect angel.

In the words of NieNie "this is my new life..."

and if I had not experienced the death of my child, I would not understand. I would not have the knowledge to help others the way I do now. I would not know that I could love deeper, that I could feel such sorrow and that it could bring such peace, understanding and even happiness.