Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Today I woke up feeling great about the day. I had things planned, etc. There were some bills to pay, one, in particular, was way past due (like 6 months) and i needed to call them. I apologized and explained to them why i had forgotten to pay this bill...Olivia. I burst into tears! I have not done this on the phone before, i could hardly talk! I felt so dumb. They were very kind, but i couldn't believe it. I just broke down. It was really weird to me.
I imagine this type of thing is normal under my cirumstance. I just didn't expect it. For hours after, I would just sob in spurts and then be fine. In my support group, we have talked about how odd grieving can be. How you can talk to one person and be completely fine with it, and then some people you just can't control emotions. I guess i have been a bit emotional lately. I hate that!

5 comments:

kim said...

I am totally with you on that one. My break down was with an airport security chick. I'm sure I was a spectacle, arms open wide, being checked out with the black wand and bawling. Canceling all the doctor's appointments was hard too. They always asked if I wanted to reschedule for him and why not. Gotta love that awkward silence afterward. Sometimes I found it was the simpler things that I lost in on. The harder tasks I geared up for and thought about.

Arah said...

kim,
I agree, i prepared for all of the big stuff, but didn't think about everyday things. i still have a hard time when i run into somebody I know and they didn't know about Olivia. Especially if I am by myself. Awkward! Then I am walking around with red puffy eyes...always a nice look.

marychild said...

Oh Arah, I just spent some time with a friend here (in Utah) who lost her young adult daughter to suicide in September, and she is still having such a hard time through the grieving process. I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel and the ache that must fill your heart... The only time I have experienced death was when I lost my mom, and I know it doesn't compare to losing a child, but I can relate to the instability of your emotions at the oddest of times after losing someone! I can refer to my mom (she's been gone 8 1/2 years) during a Relief Society lesson and lose it without warning(I'm humiliated every time). I guess grief is unpredictable that way. Hang in there, and know that you are loved, and very much admired...

Arah said...

I am glad I have such good friends...

Lisa Farman said...

I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you. Sometimes you just need to cry and you can't predict when that will be. It will have been four years since Mark and Tiffany died in August and I still have my moments. At least you can take comfort in knowing that she is in Heaven singing with all the other Angels. I know she is watching over her family and she is proud to be apart of three amazing people. The love that you all have and the wonderful spirits that you let shine through have been such an inspiration to me. I am so grateful to have the privilege of knowing you and your wonderful family.