Thursday, June 9, 2011

not meant to be

I'm not sure how to begin this post.

Today has been the kind of day where I didn't want to get up out of bed. I didn't want to face what I knew was real. I woke up today knowing I had, once again, miscarried...

We are done. We are done trying and not trying. I'm done torturing myself, my emotions and my body. We will never have the boy I have always wanted. It's no longer worth the risk anymore. We had made the decision long before I found out I was pregnant that one more time and thats it. Whatever comes of it, we are done.

I am getting older. I am happy with the children I have. There are so many things that we have going on with my photograhy business, with Matt's business, with our life, with volunteering. However, it's not fair to have your body make the decision for you. We will never have the big family we have always wanted, all because my body doesn't work right.

No matter how much faith I have or doctor's I see, it's just not meant to be.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore

"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"-anonymous

These quotes have gotten me through today.

I know that I must make the best of what I am given. It is not like me to pull the covers over my head and ignore my responsibilites... not saying I didn't want to... but I know that because of my pain and my trials, I can help others to lift their heads and to face the day. I do not look to pat my myself on the back for the work I do, I simply want others to know that they are not alone.

A couple weeks ago an article came out in the local newspaper about Forget Me Not and the local MISS Foundation support group. The same week, we got some awesome news that one of our local hospitals is giving us a room to decorate and let parents use when their baby dies, so they can be more comfortable. This is a huge deal. We are so very excited about it and are hoping to have it ready this fall as long as we can get enough donations.

It's amazing the things we can do with what we are given. Our life is what we make it...right?


Our sweet Brinley girl got baptized on Saturday, June 4th. She has been so very excited ever since she turned 8 in April. She was able to be baptized with two boys from our ward and a girl from another ward. First thing she did as she came up from the water was giggle and give her dad a hug. It was sweet. As I helped her get dressed afterward and she told me "Mom, I feel clean and pure. I never want to sin again."
(Please don't be disgusted by my hair. I should have at least curled it)

I teach her age group at church and on Sunday our lesson happened to be on the Holy Ghost. During the lesson she told me that she felt warm and fuzzy after her baptism and knew she had made the right decision.
I am proud of my girl and how much she has grown. She is such a sweetheart and a huge help around the house and with Sarah, who follows her around like a shadow.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


I am pretty's been 2 months since I've updated. Life has been busy.

During spring break my sister, Julie, and I took our kids to the Redwood National Forest in Northern California. We met up with my sister-in-law and her girls there. It was amazing. We all loved it and my sister and I didn't get into any brawls this time :)

First thing we did when we got to Crescent City was go to the beach and let the kids run. The week or so before they had Tsunami warnings from the Japan earthquake, so we kept a close ear out for the sirens the entire time we were there. The next day we drove down to the Avenue of the Giants. This place was just south of Crescent City and we had to get out get a few pictures of Paul and his ox. Glad we did it on the way down, we were to tired on the way back up.

The Avenue of the Giants was pretty cool, but nothing like Jedediah Smith Redwoods and found it was literally behind the hotel we were staying at...6 miles of the most amazingly huge and beautiful trees. You could touch them as you drove through. We must have stopped ten times to get out an take pictures in about a 2 mile stretch. We also got out and hiked a bit. After driving through the redwoods, we checked out the lighthouse in Crescent City.Holy Crap was it windy but pretty amazing. Wish we had gotten there a little earlier so that we could have gone inside it.

The next day it POURED rain and was extremely windy. We headed up the Oregon coast and found another lighthouse to tour. I somehow didn't get a picture of the outside of it, but it reminded me of Shutter Island and Dolores Claiborne.
We learned a TON about lighthouses and how they work. The light bulb is the size of an adults thumb, but the lenses shoot the light out some 26 miles. Amazing. This was a definite highlight of the trip for everyone. I can't believe people lived here. We drove up to Newport the next day and went to the Aquarium. It was pretty cool. I think the jellyfish were the best part, right next to the shark tunnel.
You can't go to a town by the sea without going to a candy store for saltwater taffy...
and we, of course, spent way too much money there.

As many times as we had been to the Oregon coast, my sister, Julie, had never been to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, so we stopped by there on the way back to Portland. Did you there is a tiny little place called Idiotville in Oregon? It was on the map, but we couldn't find it. We really wanted to take a picture of the sign.

We drove up to my cousin Jordan's house that night and said hello then headed up to my brother's house in Duvall. I drove home the next morning with my girls and my sister stayed to run a half marathon. she's nuts! I was tired, I can't imagine how tired she must have been... I'm not sure how we are going to beat this trip next year. Any ideas?