Tuesday, August 17, 2010

comfort.

Just last week, a good friends sister tragically lost her husband, leaving her alone with four small boys, the oldest being 7. It has been devastating. I did not know her sister and his family personally but Matt knew him.
We have talked a lot about it and it really got us thinking about how when Olivia died, our lives were changed FOREVER and life for everyone around us had gone on. They had their responsibilities and families to take care of while we were now stuck in a consuming grief. People were preparing for the holidays...we were just trying to get through them. It was hard.
I have read the facebook page made for the family and their friends to leave memories, messages and photos. This man was loved...by many.
A quote came to mind.
"Never does one feel oneself so utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for great bereveament. I will not try it."
Jane Welsh Carlyle
Oh, how I wish people would have understood what we were feeling. What we STILL feel. I can't begin to imagine how this family feels. How this mother now has four boys to raise without their father.
I remember people telling us about the 'miracle of so-and so's baby and they lived and they are perfectly healthy now' and we felt as if they were telling us we didn't have enough faith to heal our daughter. We knew that she wasn't meant to be with us on earth. We were at peace with that. I know they meant well, but there are times when things are better left unsaid.
Our circumstances were obviously different than those of this family, but I am sure they don't want to hear the "God won't give you more than you can handle" Hallmark card line. However, there were many heartfelt cards that we recieved and I read through them a couple times a year.
What a person NEEDS is service. I remember getting service in the forms of babysitting (even for extended family members), books to read and movies to watch (for when I was pregnant still and couldn't sleep), meals were brought in, cleaning my house, doing yard work and running errands. Even a cash donation for the costs of the funeral, heastone, and even the bills.
I am so greatful for all the service that was provided for us. We didn't have to worry about anything except us.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to this family. I wish them comfort and understanding in the weeks, months and years to come. The grief will NEVER leave them and the normal they once felt is no longer that. A husband, father, son, brother and friend will be missed terribly.

7 comments:

Christy said...

A similar situation happened in our ward almost 2 months ago, but they had 5 kids. Absolutely devastating and I can't even begin to say I know how you or anyone else in that situation feels. You are such a wonderful person and you've taken your situation and helped so many others along the way.

Kaisa Bailey said...

There are no words. I would be just like that little family if I lost Scott. 4 little boys with my oldest 7 years old. It is something that words can't really help, but hopefully service does. I love you Arah.

Marnie said...

I can't emagine how horribly crapy it would be to lose a spouse or espicailly a child. I can barely breathe just reading or thinking about it.

Jillyn said...

This was very well written Arah, i don't think i could have said it much better. I've tried to express how i feel and such about our 'situation', but i always feel i fall short.

Thank you for being honest about your feelings.

j. call said...

I remember trying to talk to people about losing Christian. He wasn't my baby, but he was my grandbaby. No one got it. No one except those who had experienced it. So, it got buried pretty deep in my soul and the tears just come at alone times. Time helps, but the grief is always there. Our family has sure had its share of the loss of the little ones. I know God has them and they came to get those little bodies and they are fine and happy and wise and don't want us to be sad, but we barely got to know them at all and then they were gone. I was talking to a friend the other day who said she didn't realize the pain her parents (the grandparents) had gone through with the loss of a grandbaby when she lost one, until she became a grandma and lost one. It's been almost 9 years now, but the memory is as clear as if it were yesterday. I think of my grandma Castleton and the babies she lost. I think of my mother-in-law and the babies she lost. It was so different back then. They must have gone nearly crazy with grief. It wasn't talked about. Arah, you are doing so much good with being able to talk about it and help others grieve. I am the type that turns things inward and observes and doesn't know what to say, but you know that we love you guys so much and we love Olivia and we love Christian. And now we will have this other little one to add. Never ever will they be forgotten. And bless the day when we all get to be with them again. Love you!

birdeeb said...

I really like how you put things Arah! I had a friend that lost her husband to suicide (everything seemed so normal from the outside...). They had 2 children (a boy & a girl). It scared me to think of losing my husband! I was pregnant with my 1st child and I CLUNG to Chris! I stressed for about a week and I watched Chris for stress and I watched to make sure he was happy...I thought...it could happen to anyone! When I went to that friends husband's funeral my friend showed such strength and courage and I was in awe! She shared her testimony and she glowed and you could see her aura and she had the light of Christ with her. I will always remember her example. I would still hate to lose my husband! My kids LOVE their daddy and even sometimes I think more than me. This is sad and I hope they do get so much service that they know God loves them! Service seriously is the best thing!

Lana said...

Thank You Julie Call, for expressing what I feel so well. As a grandmother it's so hard to lose a grandchild.

I remember so well how excited Matt & Arah and Nick & Meggan were nine years ago. So many Kunz babies coming and to be pregnant together and share feelings. Then Arah missed carried and was devastated. Meggan went on carring her sweet little Christian. Only to lose Christian at birth. Arah said after losing Christian how bad she felt for Nick and Meggan because they carried him full term only to have empty arms when they came home. Arah said she didn't think she could stand losing a baby full term.

It's so exciting to see the joy a new baby brings to one of my children's lives and ours as well. Then to find out half way through Arah's pregnancy that our little Olivia wasn't going to be with us long. There is nothing that can be said or done that is enough. The burden and trial is their's. Arah and Matt had to carry it by themselves. All I could do is cry and try to be strong for Arah. After we lost Olivia, Arah and Matt asked if I would stay so that they wouldn't be by themselves. Arah cried so hard and said she didn't know if she could stand waking up the next day with aching arms, no Olivia to bring home and hold, so she just held Brinley very close.


My heart goes out to Cody and Melissa. That void never goes completely away. Having the gospel in our lives helps so much. Knowing that one day you parents will be with those babies again. But the void in this life, here and now, continues.