Sunday, July 13, 2008

one year ago...

it was Friday the 13th. Matt and I were excited, we were having an ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby. It was the day that our world turned upside down. It was the beginning of what we found out to be a very trying and emotional time for us. It was the day we found out that our baby wasn't going to live very long, IF she made it through delivery. It was the beginning of a four month wait, preparing for a funeral, going to doctors appointments, ultrasounds and dealing with all the emotions to go with it, along with explaining it all to a 4 year old.
I can't believe it has been a year. The things we have learned and the blessings we have because of our beautiful little daughter, Olivia Kamille. It has been the most trying year of my life. I could have taken it all in a different direction...a 'why-me, shake-my-fist-at-God' direction... but chose, instead, to have faith that in the end, I would benefit from all of this and I have.
Who would have known that I would be going through another pregnancy, almost exactly the same time as last year, but with a healthy and strong baby girl. As it gets closer to the birth of this baby and the one year birthday of Olivia, I realize that this baby won't know her older sister. I am sure Brinley will keep her updated and we will often visit Olivia's grave, but I don't want Sarah to feel like a replacement, because she is definitely not.
I go out to shop for baby stuff because we literally have NOTHING baby in our house and I feel like I might jinx something if i buy anything or that there is no point because who knows what might happen. I am sure that it is a normal reaction to having lost a previous child, but I think that this baby might just come home to a house without anything baby in it. Until I hold a healthy, screaming baby and know that everything is okay, I just have a hard time wanting to buy anything. Any thoughts?

18 comments:

Cori said...

It's interesting that you found out on Friday the 13th, it was a Friday the 13th when Matt was diagnosed with Cancer, and I am seriously suspicious. I think it's pretty much natural to be gun shy. I mean once you realize that we are all vulnerable, that we really don't all live to be old in our beds it's a very suseptible feeling. I sometimes get a little paranoid about a headache being a tumor, or if I'm tired it might mean something is wrong with me. I think that's just what happens. I think your very strong, and also very blessed. And you're right Sarah isn't a replacement, she's a gift. Congratulations Arah, I love you.

marychild said...

Oh Arah, I have so much to say and don't know how to say any of it! I know I would be the same way, feeling nervous to buy baby things, even though you know logically that this baby is healthy, and WOW, what a year. The one year mark of finding out about Olivia's condition, and now one year later to be expecting Sarah... what a crazy, intense, overwhelming place to be in.

You have shown how strong and brave and resilient you are, and Sarah will never feel like a "replacement". I can say that with a little bit of authority, because I am the younger sister of a sister who died before I was born, and I grew up visiting her grave, and knowing that she was a unique person, still part of our family, I just hadn't met her yet.

You are a SPECTACULAR mother in every way, and I think your kids are SO SO SO lucky to have you. I think that as you continue to heal from Olivia, and you continue to anticipate Sarah, you'll be feeling more and more ready for this next wonderful phase in your lives...

dippyrooroo said...

I know that I haven't had to experience the kind of disappointment that you've had to face since you lost Olivia, but dealing with my own disappointments and anxieties has taught me just to enjoy the moment. You have a lot to celebrate at this moment, so it really can't hurt to accept it and enjoy it. I doubt that keeping yourself from being excited now would really make things any easier if something unforeseen happened anyway.
Right now, my lesson in living in the moment is trying to be happy and make connections with the town we've moved to, even though job stability here is not too great at the moment. When layoffs first started at James' work, all I could think about was that I needed to have the house ready to load up at a moments notice, and I couldn't put the kids in any summer activities, and what was the point of having anyone over or trying to make and keep friends if we could be moving at any time. It was awful. I felt so disconnected and stressed out. My new seize the day perspective keeps me in a much better frame of mind.
So, my lengthy thoughts are, go ahead and get ready for the sweet baby that's coming. Let yourself enjoy this! Don't miss out on the fun of the preparations! It's one of my favorite things about the time that I'm pregnant.

Brenda said...

Arah, you have every reason to be feeling the way you are with buying baby stuff. I would feel the same way...infact I did and kind of still do. My situation is not exactly the same, but after losing our Foster Baby Boy last year during the same month that I am now due with this baby girl I was and still am a bit apprehensive to it all. I have to keep reminding myself that this baby that I am carring is MINE and I don't have to prove it to anyone, and no one is going to take her away. But I do find myself from time to time thinking about all the stuff we had to do to become Foster parents and feeling like someone was looking over my shoulder all the time.
Once I found out she was a girl it helped me. And just this past weekend I was finally able to wash all the clothes and blankets and such. We still have to buy a car seat and a changing pad for her. I had waited tell now to focus on these things...because I guess I just didn't feel like it was going to really happen.
Once again, you have every reason to feel the way you do...since Sarah is being born near the time that Olivia was born. I think that is what shocked me the most when my doctor told me my due date and it being the same month as all the heart ache I was going through last year. It can't be denied.

Tashina said...

Friday the 13th's still creep me out ever since Matty was diagnosed 10 years ago. Life is precious and fragile... you realize this because of the experience you and your family has gone through. Not all of us come to this realization until we have had a life changing event that puts reality right in front of us. I think you are doing great... you are an inspiring woman. I think what ever you need to do to cope is what you should do . If that means waiting for little Sarah to get here to buy baby stuff then that's just fine. I love you.

: ) Paula said...

I don't know what it's like to lose a baby, but I had a hard pregnancy and convinced myself that something would go wrong and the baby wouldn't survive. I bought only the basics--diapers, onesies, warm blanket, car seat. And I shopped for more baby stuff after the baby was born. Also, with adoption, sometimes parents find out "There's a baby for you!" and the adoptive parents rush around excitedly buying stuff all in one shopping trip. The "stuff" isn't what's important in preparing for a baby's arrival. Just enjoy the moments you have with your family and tare care of yourself as you wait. And. . . think happy thoughts!

My Crazy Life X 6 said...

Arah...I want to let you know that right now Sarah and Olivia are together and Olivia is helping Sarah for her great journey to earth...They are together and know each other very well...It was a comfort to know that before Hayden and Xander were born Sierra was getting them ready along with other family that had gone before...Now i know you know all this but sometimes it is comforting to hear it from someone else...so take comfort in knowing they are together and they do indeed know each other very well...

Lisa Farman said...

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. I am sure that everything you are feeling is perfectly natural. You are so strong and I know that you will find a way to get through this like you have with everything else in your life. I know that Olivia is with Sarah now telling her all about her experience with mom, dad and big sister Brinley. She is telling her all about the love she felt when she arrived and how grateful she is for the time she had with all of you. She's telling Sarah all about what she has to look forward to and Sarah can't wait to come and meet her wonderful and amazing mother. She is looking forward to all the time she will get to spend with you and all the wonderful things you will teach her. She is looking forward to the many hours she will have to play with her big sister and hearing her father tell her how much he loves her. She is going to be so grateful for the wonderful family that she is going to be born into that even if she doesn't have all the material things that she needs when she gets here, she will have the most important thing, love.

If this doesn't help you then I have to say that I am more than sure that your beautiful baby girl will be showered with plenty of gifts from the hundreds of friends & family she already has waiting for her arrival.

kim said...

I agree with Karen. I love the idea of Olivia sending Sarah off with a hug and a kiss being so excited for her.

As for the shopping, all you need is an outfit for her to come home in and a few diapers. You have plenty of time to shop and plenty of friends waiting to buy presents and who are willing to shop, if needed. You just do what makes you most calm & relaxed. That is way more important than some clothes, toys or a wipe warmer.

Remember I am sending love and prayers everyday!!!

DeAnne said...

I have a sneaky feeling that you aren't going to have to shop for much :) You have so many friends and family who love you and care about you and are thinking about you so much, as well as the arrival of Sarah. Just don't stress yourself out, that's what I think. Be calm and be happy :)

tida6 said...

Your sweet girls are so close in spirit to each other. I pray you will have a sweet and spiritual experience with Sarah's birth.
You are so strong, Arah! Remember God will not give us more than we can handle. You have faithfully overcome your share of trials and now it's time for the blessings.

No worries:) You have plenty of time and friends that are willing to help you out. Love ya!!

:)Tiff

The Call family said...

After reading the above posts, I realized that there is really not much more to add....but I do have a couple thoughts---Both my kids were born AFTER I had Christian. Ashleigh learned about her big brother from the very beginning and she was with us every time we went to the cemetery. She knows that he is her big brother and that he died while he was being born. She tells me that she loves him--and occasionally tells me that she remembers him in heaven. Sarah will know her big sister, Olivia, if she doesn't already. I find myself thinking of things like--Ash is starting Kindergarten this year--Christian would be starting 2nd grade....wow, how would that be?!? Or, If we had HAD Christian...would we have Ashleigh or Preston? We might have Ash, but probably not Preston...at least not yet... ya know, and that makes me think a lot! You will always have thoughts and ideas and wonders, etc, but the most important thing--in my mind is that you take things one day at a time and that you "educate" Sarah on who Olivia was. And really cherish Sarah....and Brinley! :) I just love you so much Arah!!

j. call said...

I am so glad that you and Megan are related and close. Who would have ever guessed you two would have so much in common?

I was thinking and this might be way out of line, but it was so sweet when your dad made Olivia's casket and he is a talented man. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he made a crib/bed for Sarah? Well, just a thought.

I have some darling little baby girl flannel recieving blankets I made just waiting to come to you when the time is right. I love and miss you. Juli

The Barney's said...

Well I have bought some baby stuff for you so if you arent able to go get a lot, you'll have a few things and you are so loved I am sure you will be showered with lots of gifts. But the gifts may even need to be put away until you bring her home and know she's there to stay. Sarah is a good name (my wonderful sisters name, the one who is living with us for the summer). I have missed reading your post and I wont stay away so long next time!!

Corinne and Brian said...

Arah,

I'm sorry. You must have had such a hard day. I love your view on this trying time. You are so strong. I would just sit and cry when I thaught about what you and Matt and little Brinley were going through a year ago. I remember wishing so much to take the pain for you. What you went through and the way to handled it helped so many people in more ways that you will ever know. I understant why it's hard for you now to want to shop for Sarah. I think I would be the same way if it was me.
I love you sis.

Brandon and Lindsay said...

I really admire your strength and your faith. I'm sure it is not easy to lose a child, and then the anxiety of another pregnancy on top of that! All I can say is you handle it so well.

As far as buying things, I'd just go with your heart. Really, there is no need to hurry. As long as you have some onesies, jammies, and diapers, you are good to go! I know with each of my kids I got tons of gifts and hand-me-downs, so I never ended up needing to buy much anyway! Besides, I'm guessing at some point you'll feel an urgent need to get stuff, and then you'll just go and do it and it'll be done before she gets here. I really like the name Sarah Mae. Very cute!

PS I'd offer hand-me-downs, but it looks like you are destined for girls and me for boys! I don't have too many 'pretty' outfits!

Brandon and Lindsay said...

I really admire your strength and your faith. I'm sure it is not easy to lose a child, and then the anxiety of another pregnancy on top of that! All I can say is you handle it so well.

As far as buying things, I'd just go with your heart. Really, there is no need to hurry. As long as you have some onesies, jammies, and diapers, you are good to go! I know with each of my kids I got tons of gifts and hand-me-downs, so I never ended up needing to buy much anyway! Besides, I'm guessing at some point you'll feel an urgent need to get stuff, and then you'll just go and do it and it'll be done before she gets here. I really like the name Sarah Mae. Very cute!

PS I'd offer hand-me-downs, but it looks like you are destined for girls and me for boys! I don't have too many 'pretty' outfits!

Hicks Family said...

I know this day was hard for you. I feel the same about my current pregnancy, and it has taken a while for me to buy stuff, but I know that I can't live the next few months in fear. Maybe one thing at a time will help. Good luck, I know it won't be easy.