it was Friday the 13th. Matt and I were excited, we were having an ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby. It was the day that our world turned upside down. It was the beginning of what we found out to be a very trying and emotional time for us. It was the day we found out that our baby wasn't going to live very long, IF she made it through delivery. It was the beginning of a four month wait, preparing for a funeral, going to doctors appointments, ultrasounds and dealing with all the emotions to go with it, along with explaining it all to a 4 year old.
I can't believe it has been a year. The things we have learned and the blessings we have because of our beautiful little daughter, Olivia Kamille. It has been the most trying year of my life. I could have taken it all in a different direction...a 'why-me, shake-my-fist-at-God' direction... but chose, instead, to have faith that in the end, I would benefit from all of this and I have.
Who would have known that I would be going through another pregnancy, almost exactly the same time as last year, but with a healthy and strong baby girl. As it gets closer to the birth of this baby and the one year birthday of Olivia, I realize that this baby won't know her older sister. I am sure Brinley will keep her updated and we will often visit Olivia's grave, but I don't want Sarah to feel like a replacement, because she is definitely not.
I go out to shop for baby stuff because we literally have NOTHING baby in our house and I feel like I might jinx something if i buy anything or that there is no point because who knows what might happen. I am sure that it is a normal reaction to having lost a previous child, but I think that this baby might just come home to a house without anything baby in it. Until I hold a healthy, screaming baby and know that everything is okay, I just have a hard time wanting to buy anything. Any thoughts?