Tuesday, July 29, 2008

my thoughts...

It's 2am and I can't sleep. Forgive me as I ramble on in this post...
my afternoon was better. I spent most of it folding laundry, putting it away, making beds, vacuuming, sweeping and rearranging furniture. However, the most important thing on my list was the hardest...
For Christmas, Matt bought me a white keepsake box with a name plate carved with Olivia's name and a shallow shadow box on top for Olivia's things. I finally got around to organizing it. It had been too long since going through all of her things. I came across her little hat that was placed on her head just after she was born...it still has her goo on it, her locks of hair that I cut from just above her neck, her hospital bracelet that was too big to stay on...all of her things. It's hard to believe that all that I have to physically touch of hers fits into a small box that sits on my dresser. I was getting past what a bad morning I had, but I just can't get little Olivia off of my mind. I have thought of her all day today.
It seems that as time passes, I have been more emotional. Sunday we went to Olivia's place. I could tell that Matt was having a hard time, I just fought back the emotion. Matt did too. It's weird to think that we will have another little girl in the house by the time Olivia's 1st birthday rolls around. It has always been a thought that Olivia will always be my baby, yet, she will be a big sister.
Matt took me out tonight...just to get out. We talked about what we thought Sarah Mae is going to be like. She had been kicking off and on for a few hours. I can just tell that this little girl is going to be nonstop, independent and a fireball, not unlike Brinley. Sarah likes to stretch out and I can just imagine her sleeping with her arms and legs spread out. Olivia on the other hand, I believe, would have been an easy going, mild, cuddly, sweet baby, who would make being her mother easy. I am reminded of my Grandma Esther when I think of her. Olivia would have loved flowers and dolls and all the girly stuff.
As I worked on the Ward Newsletter earlier tonight, I needed a bit of a break, so I blog hopped. I came across families that had recently lost their children. My thoughts were "You got to spend all that time with such a beautiful child, it must have been so hard to let them go." and at the same time, i felt " look at all the memories you have. You got to hear them laugh and cry. You got to rock them to sleep at night. Play with their hair." It wasn't in jealousy, but in thoughts of why do I not do this more with Brinley. Why doesn't my brain work enough to remember things she says and does. Why do I not get on the floor and play more with her. What is she going to remember me by...a mom who is always busy doing other things.
Everyday Brinley tells me, "Mom, I love you no matter what, do you love me no matter what?" Last week while getting Brinley ready for a bath, she broke the towel bar off the wall in the bathroom. She was for sure I was going to yell at her and be mad. Instead, I said "Are you a little naked monkey?" She laughed and said " Momma, I'm sorry for all the bad things I do. Do you forgive me?" then hugged me and told me she loved me. That was so much more worth it than being mad at her for the curiosity of a 5 year old. How cool it was that she could walk up the wall with the help of the towel bar...until it broke.
Olivia has taught me a lot of things...That stuff is just that, stuff. That my family and friends are what are important. To be patient. To write. To know what true heartache feels like. To understand loss and empathy. That life is short. That I KNOW that my family is forever.
So I sit here in tears, wondering why I was blessed to have Olivia be my daughter. Would Sarah Mae have come to our family. Do those girls know each other and stay up all night talking like I did with my sister. Is Olivia telling Sarah about what love feels like and what it's like to have her mother hold her close...

11 comments:

Raquel & Marc said...

Thank you for helping me want to be a better mother. We love you

The Call family said...

I love you Arah...

The Cobabes said...

You are such a great mommy. I think it is hard to keep up with all we think we need to keep up with, and it is easy to lose perspective. You are such a great example. Love you tons and hope all is going great with your pregnancy. i am so behind on blogging...

marychild said...

Oh Arah, I never know what to say after a post like this. It is so moving, and puts everything in perspective, and makes me want to do everything better. Thanks for your thoughts & emotions...

Josh and Betsie said...

oh my goodness... i dont know if you have checked out this blog yet but do it. the post "the greatest day" has a video and a song on it. Listen to the song. It goes perfectly with what you are writing about. www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com love you

whalenfamily1 said...

I just love you Arah... and your family. Yes, I am sure that Sarah Mae and Olivia sit up and talk all night right now, they DEFINITELY know each other... Who do you think will push Sarah Mae down that great slide? I bet sweet Olivia is telling her all about you, your smell, your touch, your laugh, your cry, your happy and cheerful attitude, your faith in the Lord, your devotion to your family... All of which Heavenly Father sees and loves about you. You are a rock! Thanks for reminding me to focus on being a better mother and friend to my children.

The Barney's said...

I should know by now, that reading a post of yours will put me to tears just about everytime, so grab tissue before I start. I pray everyday for even a 10th of your patience with my kids. I am (literally) constantly cleaning up spills, messes and fixing things that "accidently" got broke. I need to stop each time before getting angry with them and remind myself they are just kids. Heavenly Father has entrusted me with them and I dont ever want them to think they could do anything that would make me not love them. Thanks for the Brinley, monkey and towel bar story to remind me they are just kids and it is ok to not get mad about little things that really wont matter in the long run. You are amazing Arah and I cant wait to see ya on the 14th at GNO!!!

The Jeppson Family said...

Hey Arah...I didn't even know I had comments until my girlfriend emailed me last night & told me that she commented. I just entered the blogging world & wanted it private but due to mothers, sisters & mother-laws that felt inadaquate to use a password...that fell through. Oh well! Sheree gave me your blog address some time ago & now everytime I shut down my computer...your blog is the first thing it goes to when I start back up. I have NO idea what's going on! Anyways, You are one amazing woman & family!!! I was crying when I read this...I really needed to be reminded again of how precious our children are even when they are climbing up walls...eating cherries on your nice clean off white bed & so many more moments! One of the many things I love about children are they are so resilient to so many things! They really love us no matter what! Just like our Heavenly Father...you can't beat unconditional love!

tida6 said...

Arah, tears are filling my eyes as I think about why I just yelled at my kids this morning? I have been trying to get the house cleaned for once, and for what? One day! I feel like I am always putting the same things away 5 or 6 times a day. When the house does get cleaned it only stays clean for an hour.
So the impatience and frustration elevated this morning, and I sent my kids downstairs to watch a movie. I decided to break away from cleaning and blog.
I am so glad I clicked on your blog. I felt I was inspired to take a look at it. Usually I go down the line alphabetically, but I decided I'd check up on you. Your post opened my heart. When I think of all the struggles and heartache you've been through this past year and how you were still this sweet an loving mother to Brinley. I think that I could do better in my own mothering. You are a shining example to so many. I am so happy to have the opportunity to get to know you better.
I know that your sweet angel baby Olivia is watching over you and helping prepare Sarah Mae for her life on this earth. Such a precious little princess you have coming. I am excited to meet her. I just love babies and how they are so close to heaven that first moment you hold them.
:) Tiff

Jandre said...

oh Arah, what a beautiful post. I too, sometimes feel like I need to take that time to not get mad at Logan for all the little kid things he does. I feel like I'm always such a mean mom. It's hard to remember sometimes that they're just little children who're full of curiousity and they're just trying to figure out all these little silly things in life. Being a mother is always a learning experience, lol, not to mention a trial in patience. But the rewards of them telling us they love us, among other things is the greatest benefit that outweighs all the crud!

Becky said...

What inspiring words . . . Thank you for sharing them.