my thoughts...

It's 2am and I can't sleep. Forgive me as I ramble on in this post...
my afternoon was better. I spent most of it folding laundry, putting it away, making beds, vacuuming, sweeping and rearranging furniture. However, the most important thing on my list was the hardest...
For Christmas, Matt bought me a white keepsake box with a name plate carved with Olivia's name and a shallow shadow box on top for Olivia's things. I finally got around to organizing it. It had been too long since going through all of her things. I came across her little hat that was placed on her head just after she was born...it still has her goo on it, her locks of hair that I cut from just above her neck, her hospital bracelet that was too big to stay on...all of her things. It's hard to believe that all that I have to physically touch of hers fits into a small box that sits on my dresser. I was getting past what a bad morning I had, but I just can't get little Olivia off of my mind. I have thought of her all day today.
It seems that as time passes, I have been more emotional. Sunday we went to Olivia's place. I could tell that Matt was having a hard time, I just fought back the emotion. Matt did too. It's weird to think that we will have another little girl in the house by the time Olivia's 1st birthday rolls around. It has always been a thought that Olivia will always be my baby, yet, she will be a big sister.
Matt took me out tonight...just to get out. We talked about what we thought Sarah Mae is going to be like. She had been kicking off and on for a few hours. I can just tell that this little girl is going to be nonstop, independent and a fireball, not unlike Brinley. Sarah likes to stretch out and I can just imagine her sleeping with her arms and legs spread out. Olivia on the other hand, I believe, would have been an easy going, mild, cuddly, sweet baby, who would make being her mother easy. I am reminded of my Grandma Esther when I think of her. Olivia would have loved flowers and dolls and all the girly stuff.
As I worked on the Ward Newsletter earlier tonight, I needed a bit of a break, so I blog hopped. I came across families that had recently lost their children. My thoughts were "You got to spend all that time with such a beautiful child, it must have been so hard to let them go." and at the same time, i felt " look at all the memories you have. You got to hear them laugh and cry. You got to rock them to sleep at night. Play with their hair." It wasn't in jealousy, but in thoughts of why do I not do this more with Brinley. Why doesn't my brain work enough to remember things she says and does. Why do I not get on the floor and play more with her. What is she going to remember me by...a mom who is always busy doing other things.
Everyday Brinley tells me, "Mom, I love you no matter what, do you love me no matter what?" Last week while getting Brinley ready for a bath, she broke the towel bar off the wall in the bathroom. She was for sure I was going to yell at her and be mad. Instead, I said "Are you a little naked monkey?" She laughed and said " Momma, I'm sorry for all the bad things I do. Do you forgive me?" then hugged me and told me she loved me. That was so much more worth it than being mad at her for the curiosity of a 5 year old. How cool it was that she could walk up the wall with the help of the towel bar...until it broke.
Olivia has taught me a lot of things...That stuff is just that, stuff. That my family and friends are what are important. To be patient. To write. To know what true heartache feels like. To understand loss and empathy. That life is short. That I KNOW that my family is forever.
So I sit here in tears, wondering why I was blessed to have Olivia be my daughter. Would Sarah Mae have come to our family. Do those girls know each other and stay up all night talking like I did with my sister. Is Olivia telling Sarah about what love feels like and what it's like to have her mother hold her close...