Thursday, June 9, 2011

not meant to be

I'm not sure how to begin this post.


Today has been the kind of day where I didn't want to get up out of bed. I didn't want to face what I knew was real. I woke up today knowing I had, once again, miscarried...


We are done. We are done trying and not trying. I'm done torturing myself, my emotions and my body. We will never have the boy I have always wanted. It's no longer worth the risk anymore. We had made the decision long before I found out I was pregnant that one more time and thats it. Whatever comes of it, we are done.


I am getting older. I am happy with the children I have. There are so many things that we have going on with my photograhy business, with Matt's business, with our life, with volunteering. However, it's not fair to have your body make the decision for you. We will never have the big family we have always wanted, all because my body doesn't work right.


No matter how much faith I have or doctor's I see, it's just not meant to be.


"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore


"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"-anonymous


These quotes have gotten me through today.


I know that I must make the best of what I am given. It is not like me to pull the covers over my head and ignore my responsibilites... not saying I didn't want to... but I know that because of my pain and my trials, I can help others to lift their heads and to face the day. I do not look to pat my myself on the back for the work I do, I simply want others to know that they are not alone.


A couple weeks ago an article came out in the local newspaper about Forget Me Not and the local MISS Foundation support group. The same week, we got some awesome news that one of our local hospitals is giving us a room to decorate and let parents use when their baby dies, so they can be more comfortable. This is a huge deal. We are so very excited about it and are hoping to have it ready this fall as long as we can get enough donations.


It's amazing the things we can do with what we are given. Our life is what we make it...right?

12 comments:

Marisa said...

Oh Arah, I am so so sorry. It always breaks my heart to see wonderful mothers (women like you whom I look up to) lose the one thing they obviously value the most. The world needs more mothers like you. Love you!

Kris said...

thinking of you

Shevaun said...

I love you cousin. You are so amazing to me. My prayers are with you.

Sam said...

Arah, I am so sorry. Thinking of you. Love, Sam

Tiffani said...

Love you Arah:) So sorry! If you need a shoulder to cry on I am always here for you.

thetrippychick said...

Arah, I'm so very sorry. My heart aches for your loss, I'm praying for comfort and peace during this very sad, difficult time. You're an amazing example of grace after such tremendous heartache. Praying for God to bless you beyond measure.

Celebrating with you for the recent blessings for the MISS Foundation. You are doing wonderful work; I'm so very proud to call you friend.

God bless you guys-
Mary

: ) Paula said...

Oh, Arah! I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our prayers.

Bridget said...

Hi Arah,

I just found your blog today from the Angel Children one. I'm sorry for your loss. Though I haven't been through what you have, another Angel Mother has. Her name is Sheye and she's Australian. Here are some links to her blog posts on the subject of pregnancy and miscarriage. They are probably best read in reverse order (chronologically) rather than the order I listed.

Best wishes,
Bridget
bridgetjohns.blogspot.com

http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2011/04/these-days/

http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/09/flotsam-jetsam/

http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/09/2649

http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/disbelief-day-sixty/

http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/08/wishing-and-hoping-of-a-different-kind/

Sonnet and Cameron said...

You are such a strong woman! Sending you hugs Arah.

Kaisa Bailey said...

Marisa couldn't have said it better for me. I look up to you Arah. LOVE you.

jordan and maci said...

you do amazing things!YOU are amazing! love coming your way...

The Clawson Club said...

i am sorry for your loss. i know the feeling of wanting a big family and you can't because your body doesn't work right. i was diagnosed with postpartum cardiomyopathy in 2010, 6 days after our first son was born. the doctors told me i should never get pregnant again or it will come back and my heart can go into heart failure again. we wanted a big family, but my health is more important.