I'm not sure how to begin this post.
Today has been the kind of day where I didn't want to get up out of bed. I didn't want to face what I knew was real. I woke up today knowing I had, once again, miscarried...
We are done. We are done trying and not trying. I'm done torturing myself, my emotions and my body. We will never have the boy I have always wanted. It's no longer worth the risk anymore. We had made the decision long before I found out I was pregnant that one more time and thats it. Whatever comes of it, we are done.
I am getting older. I am happy with the children I have. There are so many things that we have going on with my photograhy business, with Matt's business, with our life, with volunteering. However, it's not fair to have your body make the decision for you. We will never have the big family we have always wanted, all because my body doesn't work right.
No matter how much faith I have or doctor's I see, it's just not meant to be.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore
"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"-anonymous
These quotes have gotten me through today.
I know that I must make the best of what I am given. It is not like me to pull the covers over my head and ignore my responsibilites... not saying I didn't want to... but I know that because of my pain and my trials, I can help others to lift their heads and to face the day. I do not look to pat my myself on the back for the work I do, I simply want others to know that they are not alone.
A couple weeks ago an article came out in the local newspaper about Forget Me Not and the local MISS Foundation support group. The same week, we got some awesome news that one of our local hospitals is giving us a room to decorate and let parents use when their baby dies, so they can be more comfortable. This is a huge deal. We are so very excited about it and are hoping to have it ready this fall as long as we can get enough donations.
It's amazing the things we can do with what we are given. Our life is what we make it...right?