today.

We are headed to a funeral today.

This past week I has brought back a lot of memories, good and bad, of what we went through more than 2 1/2 years ago. It feels different when it's family. There is more involved than taking photos for a family at the hospital. It involves making sure that everything this week goes smoothly and that they don't have to worry about whats for dinner, which funeral home to go with, where she will be buried, etc.

I was asked to prepare little Mackenzie for burial. Yesterday afternoon I went to the funeral home and got to hold my sweet little great niece one more time. It brought back memories of my little Olivia. It was the same room, the same funeral director...the same sweet compassion.

I was also invited to the birth. When you know people at the hospital, you know that they will have the best nurses on shift. That they will get the best care and that everything will hopefully flow well.

They were placed in what we call, the Olivia room... it was the first time I had set foot in there since Olivia was born. I took a deep breath before I entered. I had flashbacks of that night. I took pictures of Mackenzie in the same place Olivia had her pictures taken, again flashbacks. And as I wathced my nephew hold his tiny daughter, I was reminded of my husband and the sadness on his face when he held our tiny daughter.

It was good to be reminded of those times. It reminds me of why I do what I do and that we have been blessed by our loss. Others are blessed by our loss. Olivia is very much alive.

Today, Mackenzie will be placed right next to Olivia. I went to the cemetery yesterday evening. The grave had been opened, ready for today. I wanted to move away some of the dirt so that I could see Olivia's concrete box (this is what they placed her casket in). I just wanted to touch it. I can't imagine I'll ever get to be that physically close to her again. I won't have those feelings of her being out there all by herself anymore.

I know there will be a lot of tears today. I also know that Olivia and Mackenzie will be there with us, along with Christian.

*the Kunz family as a whole has had three babies die.

Christian Nicholas Call August 30, 2001 born still

Olivia Kamille Kunz November 11, 2007-November 11, 2007

Mackenzie Eva Kunz August 24, 2010 born still

relying on Him

A friend of mine, Karin, recently posted something on her blog that goes well with my last post. I thought I share some of it here.

I mentioned the "God does not give us more than we can handle" phrase. It's widely overused in times when it's not what a person/family wants to hear.

So I want to quote my friend...

"At the time it seemed comforting, a nice thing to believe.

Then the days went by, the weeks, the months.

My pain grew deeper and stronger and I started to wonder.

To wonder if this was really a promise of God.

So I opened up His book and came to fine...

there is no such verse. No such promise.

But what He does promise us is strength when we are weak.

Rest when our burdens are heavy.

Peace when our hearts are troubled.

He promises us struggles in life, but a Heaven without tears."

And my favorite part, which I feel is right on...

"So here is what I do believe...

God does in fact give us MORE than we can bear.

He allows it so we will rely on Him, not ourselves.

Rely on His strength, not our own."

So true.

comfort.

Just last week, a good friends sister tragically lost her husband, leaving her alone with four small boys, the oldest being 7. It has been devastating. I did not know her sister and his family personally but Matt knew him.

We have talked a lot about it and it really got us thinking about how when Olivia died, our lives were changed FOREVER and life for everyone around us had gone on. They had their responsibilities and families to take care of while we were now stuck in a consuming grief. People were preparing for the holidays...we were just trying to get through them. It was hard.

I have read the facebook page made for the family and their friends to leave memories, messages and photos. This man was loved...by many.

A quote came to mind.

"Never does one feel oneself so utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for great bereveament. I will not try it."

Jane Welsh Carlyle

Oh, how I wish people would have understood what we were feeling. What we STILL feel. I can't begin to imagine how this family feels. How this mother now has four boys to raise without their father.

I remember people telling us about the 'miracle of so-and so's baby and they lived and they are perfectly healthy now' and we felt as if they were telling us we didn't have enough faith to heal our daughter. We knew that she wasn't meant to be with us on earth. We were at peace with that. I know they meant well, but there are times when things are better left unsaid.

Our circumstances were obviously different than those of this family, but I am sure they don't want to hear the "God won't give you more than you can handle" Hallmark card line. However, there were many heartfelt cards that we recieved and I read through them a couple times a year.

What a person NEEDS is service. I remember getting service in the forms of babysitting (even for extended family members), books to read and movies to watch (for when I was pregnant still and couldn't sleep), meals were brought in, cleaning my house, doing yard work and running errands. Even a cash donation for the costs of the funeral, heastone, and even the bills.

I am so greatful for all the service that was provided for us. We didn't have to worry about anything except us.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to this family. I wish them comfort and understanding in the weeks, months and years to come. The grief will NEVER leave them and the normal they once felt is no longer that. A husband, father, son, brother and friend will be missed terribly.