waiting

To lose your mother and give birth to your first child in the same day...my heart aches for this family.
Her last wish was to see her first born grandchild and the hospital is doing everything they can to grant her that wish. I get to be a small part of that and I don't know if I can hold it together. It's always hardest to see families feel the sorrow and heart ache. Knowing your mother is just down the hall just waiting to let go while you prepare to give birth to a perfectly healthy child.
There are times where I pray that my camera captures every little thing correctly and that I don't have technical issues to deal with. I am hoping today is one of those days where it all flows smoothly.

life goes on

This past Friday, I got to share Olivia's story with a small group of nurses at Sacred Heart. Twice a year, a class is held for nurses, doctors, and chaplains on neonatal/infant death. It teaches them what to expect, what there role should be and how to handle it. As part of a panel of parents,who all have a child(ren) who has died, we get to share our story in detail with these people in hopes that they will learn from mistakes made and in general, just know what to do and say. I don't think I have ever gotten through a class without tears. It usually starts with whatever parent speaks first. I've heard their stories numerous times, but it still doesn't make it easier. I've met some amazing families through Olivia's death. We have met friends who Matt had gone to high school with, friends from all backgrounds and religions, friends who have had more that one infant die. People who get it, who know that grief doesn't ever leave. Even years and decades later, we will still have bad days. Even when you have more children, there is still that child missing.

At the end of November, I had my 6th miscarriage. I kept it quiet because my little sister, Kami, had just gone through her first miscarriage only a few weeks earlier. It was a surprise to me that I was even pregnant, but we didn't catch it in time for me to start taking prometrium (which is outrageously expensive when your insurance doesn't cover it). I'm pretty used to the disappointment. In fact, I expect it.

I know that there is always something good that comes from the worst situations. We don't always see it at the time of the trial, but down the road, months and years later, we can find something good came of it. Olivia's life is more than the 2 short hours she was with us, it's the years later when I am still able to talk to parents, photograph their children and share her story with students, nurses, doctors and so many more people. I have met with families who share the same disappointments I have, who aren't sure they will ever have a child that will survive. Parents who just want to be a parent to a living child or wonder if they will ever get to have a child of their own. I think you would be surprised at the number of parents out there who have had to bury their children. It's not been that long ago that no one would talk about it. And even now, some families feel jealous toward other families who had gotten so much more than they did, but they have a place to release their anger and we get it. We understand it. We are trying to change the way things used to be, but it takes time.

33

I turned 33 in January. I'm not huge on celebrating my birthday, but it was nice to see all the comments left on my facebook page. Matt took me to lunch that day to Chaps. It was delicious as always. My mom had me and my sisters over the next day for lunch and to let out little stinks run around while we chatted. It was nice and way easier than trying to keep three 2 year olds from escaping a booth at a restaurant.

I won't post a picture of me on my birthday. I look like a cow. It's horrible. I do not like being in front of the camera. Typical answer.

life with a 2 year old

I didn't realize until today that I hadn't posted anything since December ...that is sad. It's because of her... My little 2 year old.

busy as a bee

Things like this are a daily occurence. If it's not climbing on top of our stove to get the hot cocoa mix (which has now been moved, again)so she can eat it by the handfulls (gross), she is taking every DVD out of its case or pulling out the drawers to her dresser (not that she ever wears clothes for more than 5 minutes) or bringing her daddy a 25 lb bag of potatoes one by one.

This girl keeps me on my toes. If it's too quiet, something is going on. Her name lately has been 'little stink'. It fits her well.

I have sat down to the computer to blog many times in the past few weeks, I've had things I have wanted to say, but as soon as it's nap time and Sarah is down, my mind goes blank or it wanders to other things I need to get done. I actually keep a notebook by my bed about the things I want to blog about. One of these days, I'll get it some of it written on here :)

julie

This is my sister.She is also my business partner.

We are often asked how we can have a business together and still like each other. We don't always get along, but balance each other out pretty well. Being adults siblings is a lot different from being sisters as children and teenagers.

My sister and I are pretty opposite from each other and I think that's why we can work so well together.

I love this girl more than she knows... and her sweet little family too.

Christmas 2010

Christmas was quiet. ahhhh.

Brinley woke at 7am, but since Sarah was still sleeping, we had Brinely hop in bed with us and play on a cell phone till 8am, when Sarah woke up. Santa was good this year and brought us a Wii. It's been fun to watch Brinley beat us at everything!!! She is a particularly good bowler :) Brinley has asked for a glow dome for months. It's pretty cool and has been a source of entertainment in the afternoon, when it starts to get dark at 4pm. She got new clothes and a few littlest pet shops. Her favorite thing, and takes it everywhere, is a penguin pillow pet from her Aunt Becca. Sarah is obsessed with horses and got one to sit on for Christmas, thanks to Craigslist. She LOVES it. She pets it and sits on it to watch movies. It moves its head and tail and neighs and snorts and eats it's fake carrot. complete awesomeness. She did the funniest dance when she saw it. I wish I had it on video. She got a new Olivia snack tray, an outfit and a few other horse like objects.
I also made the girls a huge 4'x4' felt playhouse. I forgot to get any decent pictures of it and will do that sometime this week. It was fun to make and easier than I thought too. The girls love it and it can be taken down easily.

Matt and I celebrated our 11th Anniversary on the 10th with a weekend in Seattle without children. It was awesome and much needed. He spoiled me. I found that I am not a fancy hotel kind of person though, room service was nice and all, but I am not a fan of having them set it up in your room. I can do that myself :) We had a blast though. Thanks to my sister, Julie, for watching our kidlings.

Christmas Eve

Most every year we spend Christmas Eve at my parents house. I married into an established family and many of Matt's siblings are grandparents and have their own little families, so we have Kunz family parties usually a few days before or after Christmas. Takes the stress off :)

My parents house is like walking into Mr. and Mrs. Claus house. My mom is the queen of Christmas decor. It's cozy and comfortable and my mom always has tons of goodies and food laid out for us to munch on.

We like to mix it up a bit every year and play reindeer games...Aren't they awesome reindeer? We had my cousin, Heather, over this year too. We don't see her too often, so it's always a treat to see her happy face. She is a goofball like the rest of us and came dressed in Christmas attire, ugly sweater included :)

This year, I surprised my siblings and dad with finishing my Grandma Dot's quilts...with the help of my mom. (My sister, Corinne and her quilt, are missing from this photo. She was with her kids in Utah and wasn't able to join us for Christmas.)

I really wanted to surprise the WHOLE family, but I knew I couldnt get all the quilts finished in time. My grandmother was a pretty spectacular lady. I'll have to find a picture of my grandparents to post. She made all of her 50 some-odd grandchildren a quilt. They were not all completed, I'm not sure who got finished ones and who got scraps. We got scraps and partially finished tops. I helped her with one when I was about 13. It had the little prairie bonnet girls on it.

Her quilts mean a lot to us. We didn't get much in the way of material things after she died, but have lots of memories of her and my grandpa. Each of the quilt tops we recieved were either completely hand stitched or had some hand stitching done on them. I loved the material she used on some of them. My dad said he recognized some of it from other projects she had done.

I still have mine to finish. That is my project for January...maybe I'll get it done before my birthday :) I hope that each of my cousin's will be able to get their quilt finished or those with finished quilts, realize how much work my grandmother put into them. I would be interested in knowing who didn't recieve a quilt, because it seems that we were sent an extra. I will happily finish it and send it off to a cousin who didn't get one. Please let me know :)

hi

I know, I am such a blog slacker. I admit it. I really have had a lot going on...more than just the holidays. Our weather today consists of a foot of snow, so I knew I had no place to go and even though my house is a mess, I just really wanted to sit at my computer and write instead of clean.
I put up this basket for our winter gear. This is a clean picture of it all. Right now, it's piled high with winter coats, lots of boots, and the ocasional outdoor toy that the little girl brings in.
I love days like today. I think I was made to live in the Northwest, summer's are pretty mild and winters can be long and cold :)
I have about 3 other posts to write rather than 1 long post. I don't want my blog to go to pot. I have had many emails from people I don't know who said that my blog has been helpful/a blessing/and inspiring. I want to keep it that way :) I want people to know that there is good that comes from our trials. I want this blog to be real.
I hope 2011 brings inspiration and happiness to me.

Yay! I can now blog from my phone :) hopefully I can keep up on this little blog of mine...

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