Wednesday, July 13, 2011

july 13

I ran errands today. While driving around the girls watched a movie and it gave me a few minutes to myself. Memories came back to me about when we went to Olivia's ultrasound...

I had remembered to grab a DVD to record the ultrasound. We were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. My mom came with Matt and I. I can't remember who was watching Brinley. We walked into the ultrasound room, I handed the disc over to the tech. We got settled in and she started scanning my belly. Things got quiet and we knew something wasn't right. We heard the words "I see cysts on the kidneys, I'm going to take a few more scans and then I'll bring the doctor back in."

I saw my babies heartbeat. I saw that my baby was moving. What did it mean to have cysts on the kidneys? We waited for what seemed like hours. The doctor came in and scanned some more. The diagnosis was polycystic kidney disease, but he wanted to be sure and we were to be sent to a specialist the next day when we would hear the words, "your baby is incompatible with life." I didn't cry at first. I think I was in shock. Then I looked at Matt and I broke down. I think I was reviewing the words in my head. over and over.

We started getting phone calls, poeple excited to know what we were having. I didn't want to talk to anybody. And how was I going to answer, "we are going to have a baby who will die"? Who wants to tell poeple that?

That was 4 years ago today...

It's strange how our minds remember those 'special' dates, way back in our minds, and bring them up when we conciously don't remember them. And the details we remember, when I can't even remember parts of yesterday.

As for the DVD, she gave it back to us. blank.

7 comments:

Marisa said...

So true (about the subconscious date thing). Ugh, what a nightmare, Arah. I seriously don't know how you went through all of that. Your story is heartbreaking and you are superwoman.

Tiffani said...

Love you girl:) Proud of you for all you are doing to help other moms who've gone through the same thing. You're amazing!!

Jillyn said...

It is very true how our minds bring back things in a split second. Just reading your story brings back the the memories of our day, March 2nd, when we heard the news (and ours was actually split up by a week since at our first appointment they wouldn't tell us anything).

Sending big virtual hugs your way. It can be hard to remember, but in ways it is also good to remember, so we don't forget <3

Mary Child said...

Oh Arah, I'll always be so sorry for your loss, and for the grief that you'll always carry. That was so hard to read. I'm just so sorry you had to endure that, in spite of the fact that that so much good has come out of it... I'm just sorry for the ache you'll have until you're with your sweet baby again.

And ya know what, Arah? No matter how many miles or how much time there is between us, I will always love and admire you, my friend.

And congratulations on your award. I am THRILLED that you are being publicly recognized for your incredible talent, your generous heart, and spectacularly awesome self.

LOVE YOU girl!!!

Darla said...

Arah..I just wish we had more time to spend together. I am so impressed with you (do I sound like your YW leader, or what?). But honestly. I am. What a good woman you are. Life hands us challenges that we can't imagine ever being able to work through or handle. Yet, I think you're doing very well. Thanks for your example. Love you!

janet said...

this is a beautiful post. heartbreaking, but beautifully written.

I disagree that she was incompatible with life. her life has done so much good in the world. probably much more than if she had lived any longer. her short life has changed so many others and has inspired us to live life more fully.

~GINGER~ said...

Arah, how heartbreaking. I found out my child had passed during that big gender-reveal ultrasound, and I completely understand not wanting to talk to anyone afterward. I fear next year having TWO first angelversaries. Do you do anything to "celebrate"/honor these days?