Monday, May 11, 2009

time.

I was pretty sure that I would get through today without crying, that it wouldn't affect me too much, that I would remember her without the emotion. My beautiful Olivia should be running around the house, wanting me to play with her, needing me to snuggle her and I can't do any of it. Today, Olivia would be 18 months old.
I can't imagine having 2 babies in the house, how crazy my life would be. The many things that wouldn't get done, the diapers I would need to change, the schedule I would have to keep, the people I wouldn't have met, the families that may have not gotten photos of their child without me, the test of my faith, the things I would have not learned.
Olivia, I miss you but I know that you are happy and healthy. You watch over me and help me through the hard times.
So forgive me, if you call and I don't answer the phone and that if I do, I sound a little down. I miss my baby and this is just one of the many milestones that she won't be here for.
The world does not stand still for parents who's child has died. But their lives have changed forever and over time, people forget that. Yesterday, I did my best to remember everyone I know that has an angel. I emailed most of them and told them that I was thinking of them, because I was. Many have other children and have had a child or two since their loss, many of them had their very first Mother's Day without their child with them. And one in particular, who I visited in person, has lost all 3 of her children and spent Mother's Day alone (her husband has also passed away). I wanted her especially to know that I was thinking of her. I cried with her. I didn't get a chance to stay long, but I am going to do my best to visit her often.
I thank my Heavenly Father for Olivia everyday. I thank Him for letting her be part of my family. I thank Him for teaching me patience, faith and serving others. For teaching me that I can get through the hardest of things. And...that I CAN speak in front of large groups of people and not be nervous.
18 months, Olivia. I can't believe it's been that long.

7 comments:

janet said...

I was thinking of you yesterday, Arah. I talked with Bev for a while last night and she told me how much your visit meant to her. You are such a sweetheart. I know that when we feel empty or sad, the BEST thing we can do is reach out to others. Thank you for being an example to all of us.

Lisa Farman said...

Olivia has touched so many people's lives in her short little life. The example of faith that you have shown has helped my testimony to grow so much and I will be forever grateful to you for that. You will be in my heart and in my prayers today. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Megan said...

Its true, your life would be SO different now if Olivia had lived. Just as my life would be completely different if Christian had lived. Your email to me touched my heart brought me to tears. good tears! Thank you for remembering me...and remembering Christian especially. I hate that we have this in common...but so glad that you and I are more connected because of the loss of our little ones. I miss you so much...and love you even more! You are a wonderful, amazing person and I thank God daily that we are related!

j. call said...

I don't forget. Grandmas don't ever forget. Strong emotions there even after all these years. I hear you my dear sister-in-law. Keep up the good work. Hope to see you soon. = )

My Crazy Life X 6 said...

Thanks for the cry...I needed it today...im so greatful that Sierra has a best friend in heaven and I have a best friend here that knows what it feels like to have lost a child...Thanks for always being there Arah...

Kera said...

your amazing. thinking of you.

Forever Young said...

Thanks for remembering. The hurt from the loss never goes away, rather we just get used to having it around and learn to embrace it and allow it to work its magic on us. Love you Arah.