I was pretty sure that I would get through today without crying, that it wouldn't affect me too much, that I would remember her without the emotion. My beautiful Olivia should be running around the house, wanting me to play with her, needing me to snuggle her and I can't do any of it. Today, Olivia would be 18 months old.
I can't imagine having 2 babies in the house, how crazy my life would be. The many things that wouldn't get done, the diapers I would need to change, the schedule I would have to keep, the people I wouldn't have met, the families that may have not gotten photos of their child without me, the test of my faith, the things I would have not learned.
Olivia, I miss you but I know that you are happy and healthy. You watch over me and help me through the hard times.
So forgive me, if you call and I don't answer the phone and that if I do, I sound a little down. I miss my baby and this is just one of the many milestones that she won't be here for.
The world does not stand still for parents who's child has died. But their lives have changed forever and over time, people forget that. Yesterday, I did my best to remember everyone I know that has an angel. I emailed most of them and told them that I was thinking of them, because I was. Many have other children and have had a child or two since their loss, many of them had their very first Mother's Day without their child with them. And one in particular, who I visited in person, has lost all 3 of her children and spent Mother's Day alone (her husband has also passed away). I wanted her especially to know that I was thinking of her. I cried with her. I didn't get a chance to stay long, but I am going to do my best to visit her often.
I thank my Heavenly Father for Olivia everyday. I thank Him for letting her be part of my family. I thank Him for teaching me patience, faith and serving others. For teaching me that I can get through the hardest of things. And...that I CAN speak in front of large groups of people and not be nervous.
18 months, Olivia. I can't believe it's been that long.