Friday, May 7, 2010

understanding.

Mother's day is my most unfavorite of all the holidays. It's not a celebration for me, it's a reminder that my child is dead.
The second year we were married, I had a miscarriage right before Mother's day. I sat in church as the Young Men passed around the flowers that are given every year to all women over the age of 18 even if you don't have children). I HATE those flowers. I know that they mean well, but I really hate them...can't they give out something different? I take one to be nice. Matt knows I hate them and carried it around for me. That little plant reminded me of what wasn't to be. I had failed as a mother.
Every year since, I look at Matt as those flowers get passed out at church. His comment is the same, "be nice...". I am sure I look annoyed and feel the urge to walk out of there.
When Olivia died, I changed. How could I not? I was now the parent of a dead child.
I am still the same, but changed.
There are things that I look at differently, things I feel differently. I have anxiety over dropping Brinley off at school, thinking something might happen to her and I won't be there. And every day, I give her a kiss and hug and tell her I love her, because I never know if that may be the last...sometimes I hug her a little too long and she notices, wanting me to let her go, and I do.
I snuggle and cuddle my little Sarah to sleep, giving her all of my attention and she knows it. Blissfully, she falls asleep in my arms every night, and I am okay with that because I get to hold her and stare at her perfect little body. And even when I am criticized for not letting her cry herself to sleep, I don't care, because they don't understand.
It isn't something that can be explained to some one who hasn't experienced having empty arms, and quiet nights, wondering what might have been. Who don't know the feelings of sadness that creeps up on you while your at the store buying apples for her grave or feeling her close while taking photos of another little perfect angel.

In the words of NieNie "this is my new life..."

and if I had not experienced the death of my child, I would not understand. I would not have the knowledge to help others the way I do now. I would not know that I could love deeper, that I could feel such sorrow and that it could bring such peace, understanding and even happiness.

7 comments:

: ) Paula said...

That was so beautifully written.

Yes, hold your beautiful Sarah and rock her to sleep! Yes, give Brinley extra-long hugs!

My husband's cousin and his wife just lost a baby they knew wouldn't survive past birth. How hard to be a parent of a dead child. My heart goes out to them. And to you.

Nick and Meg said...

You are my hero.....

DeAnne said...

I love to hold my babies while they fall asleep too. I have never been very good at letting them cry for very long. Holding my sleeping babies is one of the most special times in my life. I'm glad you love it too :)

My Crazy Life X 6 said...

way to hit the nail on the head...i still cant out a finger on all my little qurks but i have them to...life is better and worse all at the same moment...

Emily and Derek Williams plus one said...

I rock my son to sleep every night. Even if he kicks and screams for the first few minuets because he doesn't want to go to bed. I just love getting to watch him sleep so perfect in my arms. You are such a strong woman and I love reading your blog and how you have grown from your precious angel. You're definitely one of my heroes too.

Jillinebinny said...

Very very very well put Arah. Thank you for being so honest about everything, it makes me feel less "not normal". And i have anxiety to, but it's more towards Jay...I'm terrified of something happening and him dying...What if the last thing i had said to him was something mean, or i hadn't said sorry, or i love you?

I think once you've lost someone you love *so* much, you can't help but hold the ones you love a little closer, because you know how blessed you are to have them with you.

You hold your babies close and i'll do the same.

*hugs*

Mary Child said...

Arah, I really love you. I really do. I just cannot tell you how much you inspire me, and motivate me to be better. To just suck it up, and be better. I admire you more than you will ever know. And I MISS YOU. Thank heavens for blogs.

(And congrats on your photography with Julie- I'm wishing you MUCH success)!