summer.

School is out in two weeks. Those two weeks are filled with fun field trips to the bowling alley and roller rink and a school play day. We will miss Brinley's teacher. She is AWESOME and AMAZING!
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I'm excited about this Summer, mostly because I have projects in my head.
Next week, we will be putting up our wooden picket fence. Which means that I don't have to worry so much about Sarah running into the street. Holy cow, that kid is fast.
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Next weekend I REALLY REALLY want to go here:We went last year. It was a blast. I, however, will not be one of the hundreds of women that show up early to stand in line for 2 hours before it opens because I will have my kidlets with me.
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In just 3 weeks, we will be in Gearhart, Oregon at this lovely little place:We are all excited for this week long vacation. We haven't rented a house here before, but I've been to the cute little shops and ice cream shop there. Completely opposite of Seaside. Plus, we can drive on the beach.
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A week later, Matt and Brinley fly down to Utah for a Family Reunion. Brinley is very excited about flying on a plane and asks me daily how much longer. I'm sad I have to miss it, but my sister, Julie, and I will be shooting the first of 6 weddings this Summer as Madeline James Photography along with senior, family and child portraits too. We are pretty excited.
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On my to-do list are :
window boxes and a chicken coop...I WISH!.. but mine will look more like this: Brinley really, really wants a pet but we are allergic to cats (and do not like them anyway) and I would be stuck taking care of a dog (no thank you). So we thought about chickens. They are easy to keep and they produce something useful. We have the perfect space for them too.
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I want to get the back section of our RV parking ready for raised garden beds or use the frame of the car canopy to build a large greenhouse, but I'm not sure if it's possible.
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Slowly but surely, our little house is becoming OUR home. We are loving it more and more. Now, if we can just get the little baby birds to fly and leave our attic so we can fix the awnings and paint the house.

understanding.

Mother's day is my most unfavorite of all the holidays. It's not a celebration for me, it's a reminder that my child is dead.
The second year we were married, I had a miscarriage right before Mother's day. I sat in church as the Young Men passed around the flowers that are given every year to all women over the age of 18 even if you don't have children). I HATE those flowers. I know that they mean well, but I really hate them...can't they give out something different? I take one to be nice. Matt knows I hate them and carried it around for me. That little plant reminded me of what wasn't to be. I had failed as a mother.
Every year since, I look at Matt as those flowers get passed out at church. His comment is the same, "be nice...". I am sure I look annoyed and feel the urge to walk out of there.
When Olivia died, I changed. How could I not? I was now the parent of a dead child.
I am still the same, but changed.
There are things that I look at differently, things I feel differently. I have anxiety over dropping Brinley off at school, thinking something might happen to her and I won't be there. And every day, I give her a kiss and hug and tell her I love her, because I never know if that may be the last...sometimes I hug her a little too long and she notices, wanting me to let her go, and I do.
I snuggle and cuddle my little Sarah to sleep, giving her all of my attention and she knows it. Blissfully, she falls asleep in my arms every night, and I am okay with that because I get to hold her and stare at her perfect little body. And even when I am criticized for not letting her cry herself to sleep, I don't care, because they don't understand.
It isn't something that can be explained to some one who hasn't experienced having empty arms, and quiet nights, wondering what might have been. Who don't know the feelings of sadness that creeps up on you while your at the store buying apples for her grave or feeling her close while taking photos of another little perfect angel.

In the words of NieNie "this is my new life..."

and if I had not experienced the death of my child, I would not understand. I would not have the knowledge to help others the way I do now. I would not know that I could love deeper, that I could feel such sorrow and that it could bring such peace, understanding and even happiness.