Thursday, July 16, 2009

one in the morning.

It's one in the morning. I can't sleep.
I had an AWESOME weekend, then came home and have been in a bit of a funk since Monday. I have been irritable, emotional, exhausted, frustrated, blah, blah, blah.
"What is going on with me!"
I guess I don't talk about Olivia as much anymore with people. Yeah, she may come up in conversation here and there, but I don't think its right that I would make people to feel bad for me, or that they think she is all I ever think about, because really I don't.
Two years ago this week (on the 13th, to be exact) was when we found out about Olivia's condition. I knew the date was coming up, but nobody else did and why would they? I figured it would come and go and that I might have a moment when I thought about it, but this long drawn out crappy whatever week I am having? Seriously? And maybe it's just compounded by other things in my life, I don't know.
It's strange how our minds remember things subconsciously. There were times last year when I had a really crappy day and then realized the date, and the memory of the year before would pop into my head. Why is that?
Two years...I am amazed at how fast time goes by. Some days it seems like Olivia was just a dream and others feel as if we had just had her. I don't dwell on her, but I see and think of her every single day, even just a for a brief moment, when I dust her picture, or stub my toe on the pig in the hallway, or in Brinley's drawings, or in noises I hear when I know Sarah is asleep and Brinley is out playing in the yard.
It feels good to express myself in writing. I've never been very good vocally. There is so much more on my mind, but best left to those who understand the questions and thoughts that run through my head.
I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and think, "why did I write this?"


Renee' P said...

You won't regret writing your thoughts down. It helps me really get things out by writing them down.
Every one gets in a slump and it's okay for you to feel this way. I couldn't imagine how long it would take, if ever to heal from such an event.
My thoughts are with you today.

I think this calls for a GN soon!

The Wright Stuff said...

I too am not very good at expressing how I feel vocally. It always helps me to write down my thoughts when I can freely express the way I am feeling. Thank you for sharing this post. My heart goes out to you (and don't worry, you're not making me feel sorry for you!) :) You are such a wonderful example to me and everyone around you. Thank you for being so awesome.

: ) Paula said...

What's a blog for if you can't write what you feel? I'm kinda the same way about talking versus writing.

I was thinking about Olivia just last week. My brother and his wife have reached the 20 week mark (finally, after many miscarriages). I watched the clock while she was getting her ultrasound and thought about you and Matt and what that must have been like to endure that rollercoaster of emotions at that appointment. I prayed that their baby would be healthy. I think about Olivia often maybe because of my calling at the time. It was my last big worry/event/service opportunity I had. I don't know if I've told you that before. When I find myself thinking of her I also think of what Matt's brother, Chris, said at the funeral about Olivia wrapping her arms around your neck thanking you for giving her a body. Makes me teary-eyed.

Oh, I totally love the pic of Brinley on your sidebar!

: ) Paula said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
: ) Paula said...

Sorry, I hit publish comment twice. . .

Meegan said...

I'm so sorry for your bad week. But I think what you are experiencing is a "body memory". We have to deal with this a lot with our foster kids, three of whome we have now adopted. Even as young as they were when things happened to them, their little bodies retain the memories of things gone awry, and every first week of June, our oldest has a bad week. That was the week he was pulled from his home. Hang in there!

Stephani said...

Hey Arah :)
I hope you know how much everyone (I'm sure) who reads here doesn't mind hearing you express the love you have and grief you feel for your sweet baby.
I go through all the crazy emotions too on certain days without realizing until I stop to analyze, that it is a day linked with a major hard event in my life. It's interesting how our body and mind remember even before we do consciously.
I know it is a very conflicting feeling to both want to talk about and remember them, yet not want to "burden" others by reminding them of what saddens us. But we know as you know, the heartache of losing someone you love to death is not the kind of thing you just one day "get over and put behind you", it stays with you for the rest of your life.
It's been 15 years since I lost my brother and I still recognize the need to talk about it, to "feel" the memories, to allow the reality of it all, even the pain, to keep my memories of him alive. I'd even go as far to say I'm grateful that my mind relives it to some degree, because there is this innate need inside me to not lose him completely.
I know what you mean about sometimes the person feeling like a dream, and I think we naturally want to fight that feeling, to keep them real, and maybe that's part of why even subconsciously at times we relive details.
Anyway, I hope you know we know how healthy and important it is for you to talk about Olivia. We definitely know you're not trying to make anyone feel bad for you, you just love and miss her and your pain is real.
Hope you're having a better week. :)

Oh, and the tree was honestly a total pain in the butt! but if you really want to make one, for the trunk you layer 2-3 pieces paper of equal length and roll them up as thick as you'd like the trunk to be, tape to stay tube-like, then scrunch and crinkle all over to give a "bark" look...then for the branches just cut paper to each desired branch length, roll it up, and then twist it till it looks "branchy" and tape (I used strong clear packing tape for this whole project)to a spot on the top of the trunk (I did this when the trunk was already tacked to the wall--I found that upholstery tacks hold strongest). Then tack other end of branch to desired spot on ceiling or wall. I double layered branches I wanted thicker. Anyway, the kids and I had a vision for it so we did it, but it was not as easy as I'd first anticipated and did use quite a bit of paper. :)

Marnie said...

Thanks for the post, I am glad you wrote it.

Mary Child said...

Oh Arah, thanks for sharing!!! I truly can't imagine how hard losing a child would be. I'm so sorry for your (temporary) separation from Olivia, and for the lingering grief that will always be there until you are with her again. We as your friends feel so inspired by you. You've shown so much grace and strength throughout such an impossibly difficult journey, and it helps me to hang on during my own trials! You remind me to just keep taking baby steps, one day at a time, and even though some days will be harder than others, we can make it! You live so well, you love so well, you're such an inspiration to so many people Arah! I truly consider myself blessed to know you.