Tonight Matt and I had a counseling session through the M.I.S.S. Foundation, in connection with Forget-Me-Not. It was very therapeutic for both of us. I think Matt was relieved to find that he is grieving "normally", as a man would. I cried...a lot (go figure). It was good for me.
These women we met with have dealt with/are dealing with some incredibly hard situations, and I am amazed at their strength. Three of the women lost a child earlier this year. All having a different story to tell. Two of them had a few years behind them with the loss of their child. Then there was us, with just over 8 weeks left in the pregnancy and not knowing what to expect ahead.
I am glad that I what I am feeling is "normal". How I have reacted to people is "normal". I can't even begin to explain how...nervous, anxious, terrified and saddened I am about giving birth to this child. I guess because I am so emotional right now, I can't imagine feeling this way and having to go through the delivery.
The holidays scare me! We have so much to deal with from November 22- January 11, with Thanksgiving, Matt's birthday, our 8th anniversary, this baby being born, a funeral, Christmas, more birthdays...I just want Brinley to not have a mother who is "out of it" for the season. We are going to discuss the holidays at the next meeting.
I remember when Nick and Megan (sorry to pick on you guys), Matt's nephew, lost their son, Christian, who was stillborn. I felt so bad for them. I didn't know what to say to them or even begin to imagine what they were going through. I remember seeing pictures of the funeral at Matt's sister, Juli's house and just crying for them. I had had my, I believe, 3rd miscarriage during her pregnancy, and if I remember correctly, we would have been a week or so apart. I had the most jealous feeling of how lucky they were to have gotten to see their baby and hold him, and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get that chance, ever (this was before Brinley). At the same time, I couldn't believe I could think something as inappropriate and selfish as that. I know now that Megan cherishes every movement Christian made. Their loss was sudden, and I am lucky enough to have time to prepare. My hope is that I get to hear even the tiniest noise this baby makes, that I will get to see this baby look at me. Matt and I don't expect a miracle, we just want a few moments.