Kunz Family

hey.

2011-10-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

summer had been unbelievably busy.

my blog suffered.

I have a few minutes to update.
July: my sister and I shot alot of weddings this month and then headed down to Seaside, Oregon for a big family reunion for a few days. It was nice to see so much family and chat till the wee hours of the morning with cousins we hadn't seen it years.

August: we had more weddings to shoot along with some family sessions. Business has been good to us.

At the beginning of the summer, Brinley and I had made a list of all the things we wanted to do. We got the most of them done in August.

we decided to make one for fall and also for winter. It's a great idea for busy kids who think they have to have something to do every minute of the day.

we got our first egg from our chickens. it was egg-citing...ha, I couldn't help myself. We love our little chicken pets. Sarah calls them 'chicka babies'. They follow us around our yard and are really fun to watch.
we also celebrated my niece's birthday by riding horses and having a hotdog dinner at my sister's house.

September: a few more weddings to shoot.

Brinley started 3rd grade.

she loves it!

we had our first field trip this last week. It was the easiest field trip I have ever been on as a parent. We watched the kids and chatted about the school and parenting. We ate lunch with the kids and parents got to talk some more in the afternoon. I chatted with Brinley's teacher for most of the afternoon. I really like her and I think she will be great for Brinley.

October, it seems, is going to be a little less nuts. I love fall and am excited for the change of weather. I've started on Brinley's halloween costume. I hope it comes together as I imagined it. Sarah wants to be a horse...no surprise.

I hope to update more often now that our wedding season has ended. I miss taking pics of my kids and the things we have been doing. I'll get right on that :)

july 13

2011-07-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

I ran errands today. While driving around the girls watched a movie and it gave me a few minutes to myself. Memories came back to me about when we went to Olivia's ultrasound...

I had remembered to grab a DVD to record the ultrasound. We were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. My mom came with Matt and I. I can't remember who was watching Brinley. We walked into the ultrasound room, I handed the disc over to the tech. We got settled in and she started scanning my belly. Things got quiet and we knew something wasn't right. We heard the words "I see cysts on the kidneys, I'm going to take a few more scans and then I'll bring the doctor back in."

I saw my babies heartbeat. I saw that my baby was moving. What did it mean to have cysts on the kidneys? We waited for what seemed like hours. The doctor came in and scanned some more. The diagnosis was polycystic kidney disease, but he wanted to be sure and we were to be sent to a specialist the next day when we would hear the words, "your baby is incompatible with life." I didn't cry at first. I think I was in shock. Then I looked at Matt and I broke down. I think I was reviewing the words in my head. over and over.

We started getting phone calls, poeple excited to know what we were having. I didn't want to talk to anybody. And how was I going to answer, "we are going to have a baby who will die"? Who wants to tell poeple that?

That was 4 years ago today...

It's strange how our minds remember those 'special' dates, way back in our minds, and bring them up when we conciously don't remember them. And the details we remember, when I can't even remember parts of yesterday.

As for the DVD, she gave it back to us. blank.

award

2011-07-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today I received the Providence Health Care Exemplary Performance Award from Providence Sacred Heart Hospital where I volunteer. I had my picture taken with some pretty prestigious folks, like the vice President of Sacred Heart and the Head of the Board of Directors, along with a few others whom title's escape my memory (ahhhh!). It was quite an honor just to be nominated for this award (thank you Heather) and I truly can't tell you how very touched I was at what was said about me and about the work that I do. (for now, my award is posted just next to my computer until I get it framed. And they gave me a title of RNC... how very generous of them :) )

I have had thoughts of quitting and just letting some one else take it all on, and its funny how when I start to have these thoughts, there is a greater need. And it's then I realize that this was something I was meant to be doing and that Olivia taught me much more than I ever imagined.

I grew up wanting to be a doctor, working with children. In high school I found a love for photography. In a crazy beautiful way, I got to fulfill both dreams.

summer list 2011

2011-07-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

This year we sat down and made a list of all the things we want to do this summer. We have about 100 things written on the chalk board. We have kept busy marking off the things we want to do. One of those things was to watch the laser light show at Grand Coulee Dam. Julie and Merv decided to join us. We left after church on Sunday and stopped and had a picnic at the city park in Davenport. I think its some of the oldest playground equipment I've seen in a long time. Keeping Sarah and Lola off of it was a pain.

We got to Grand Coulee Dam around 4pm. The show didn't start until 10pm. We had 6 hours of keeping the kids busy. We bought some of the worst snow cones ever! We played with our snacks.

The kids made faces at the camera.We walked throught the 10 booths that were set up for the 'Festival of America' about 5 times.

Sarah was cranky about 1/2 the time.

We tried to pull the babies arms out of their sockets by swinging them around (not really).

Matt hung out under a tree and enjoyed not being at work and tried to take a nap.

By the time the laser show started, the babies were exhausted and fell asleep. Cody and Brinley had their eyes glued to the show and the rest of us made comments about how really out of date it was. However, we learned some really intersting history about the dam.

I can now say that after living in Spokane for 15 years, I have finally seen the laser light show at Grand Coulee.

not meant to be

2011-06-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to begin this post.

Today has been the kind of day where I didn't want to get up out of bed. I didn't want to face what I knew was real. I woke up today knowing I had, once again, miscarried...

We are done. We are done trying and not trying. I'm done torturing myself, my emotions and my body. We will never have the boy I have always wanted. It's no longer worth the risk anymore. We had made the decision long before I found out I was pregnant that one more time and thats it. Whatever comes of it, we are done.

I am getting older. I am happy with the children I have. There are so many things that we have going on with my photograhy business, with Matt's business, with our life, with volunteering. However, it's not fair to have your body make the decision for you. We will never have the big family we have always wanted, all because my body doesn't work right.

No matter how much faith I have or doctor's I see, it's just not meant to be.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore

"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"-anonymous

These quotes have gotten me through today.

I know that I must make the best of what I am given. It is not like me to pull the covers over my head and ignore my responsibilites... not saying I didn't want to... but I know that because of my pain and my trials, I can help others to lift their heads and to face the day. I do not look to pat my myself on the back for the work I do, I simply want others to know that they are not alone.

A couple weeks ago an article came out in the local newspaper about Forget Me Not and the local MISS Foundation support group. The same week, we got some awesome news that one of our local hospitals is giving us a room to decorate and let parents use when their baby dies, so they can be more comfortable. This is a huge deal. We are so very excited about it and are hoping to have it ready this fall as long as we can get enough donations.

It's amazing the things we can do with what we are given. Our life is what we make it...right?

baptism

2011-06-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

Our sweet Brinley girl got baptized on Saturday, June 4th. She has been so very excited ever since she turned 8 in April. She was able to be baptized with two boys from our ward and a girl from another ward. First thing she did as she came up from the water was giggle and give her dad a hug. It was sweet. As I helped her get dressed afterward and she told me "Mom, I feel clean and pure. I never want to sin again."
(Please don't be disgusted by my hair. I should have at least curled it)

I teach her age group at church and on Sunday our lesson happened to be on the Holy Ghost. During the lesson she told me that she felt warm and fuzzy after her baptism and knew she had made the right decision.
I am proud of my girl and how much she has grown. She is such a sweetheart and a huge help around the house and with Sarah, who follows her around like a shadow.

hello.

2011-06-05T13:31:00.001-07:00

I am pretty pathetic...it's been 2 months since I've updated. Life has been busy.

During spring break my sister, Julie, and I took our kids to the Redwood National Forest in Northern California. We met up with my sister-in-law and her girls there. It was amazing. We all loved it and my sister and I didn't get into any brawls this time :)

First thing we did when we got to Crescent City was go to the beach and let the kids run. The week or so before they had Tsunami warnings from the Japan earthquake, so we kept a close ear out for the sirens the entire time we were there. The next day we drove down to the Avenue of the Giants. This place was just south of Crescent City and we had to get out get a few pictures of Paul and his ox. Glad we did it on the way down, we were to tired on the way back up.

The Avenue of the Giants was pretty cool, but nothing like Jedediah Smith Redwoods and found it was literally behind the hotel we were staying at...6 miles of the most amazingly huge and beautiful trees. You could touch them as you drove through. We must have stopped ten times to get out an take pictures in about a 2 mile stretch. We also got out and hiked a bit. After driving through the redwoods, we checked out the lighthouse in Crescent City.Holy Crap was it windy but pretty amazing. Wish we had gotten there a little earlier so that we could have gone inside it.

The next day it POURED rain and was extremely windy. We headed up the Oregon coast and found another lighthouse to tour. I somehow didn't get a picture of the outside of it, but it reminded me of Shutter Island and Dolores Claiborne.
We learned a TON about lighthouses and how they work. The light bulb is the size of an adults thumb, but the lenses shoot the light out some 26 miles. Amazing. This was a definite highlight of the trip for everyone. I can't believe people lived here. We drove up to Newport the next day and went to the Aquarium. It was pretty cool. I think the jellyfish were the best part, right next to the shark tunnel.
You can't go to a town by the sea without going to a candy store for saltwater taffy...
and we, of course, spent way too much money there.

As many times as we had been to the Oregon coast, my sister, Julie, had never been to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, so we stopped by there on the way back to Portland. Did you there is a tiny little place called Idiotville in Oregon? It was on the map, but we couldn't find it. We really wanted to take a picture of the sign.

We drove up to my cousin Jordan's house that night and said hello then headed up to my brother's house in Duvall. I drove home the next morning with my girls and my sister stayed to run a half marathon. she's nuts! I was tired, I can't imagine how tired she must have been... I'm not sure how we are going to beat this trip next year. Any ideas?

march

2011-03-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin. This month has been utter chaos it seems. Between helping at the school, meetings, volunteering at the hospital, photography sessions, shooting a wedding, Sarah's teeth surgery, a fundraiser and being a 24/7 wife and mother, my life seems to fly by. This little stink is exactly that! A STINK! She is a busy little bee and exhausts me. She is always doing something naughty... cleaning out the fridge, climbing the furniture, painting with her poop, having a tantrum or hopping in the shower with me fully clothed. It never ends. I am usually done with her and ready to send her to 2 year old land before Brinley gets home from school. She has also decided that she would rather take a nap at 4pm rather than 1pm and it makes for a looooonnnnnggggg night for me.

However.... this little child of mine is an angel...with food constantly stuck on her face. always. She is such a sweetheart and a huge help to me. Sarah adores her and they play for hours after school. I don't know how I could get through my afternoons without her help. She always wants to be outside jumping on the trampoline, hula hooping (the girl is amazing at the hoop), running, kicking a ball around. She doesn't sit still for very long. has to keep moving. Sometimes it drives me crazy. We don't have a lot of mom-approved kids in the neighborhood.

My sister and I are taking the kids to the redwoods this next week. I think I am as excited as Brinley is. I need a change of scenery and how can you beat seeing something so magnificent as the redwoods! I am planning to take a bajillion pictures of the whole trip. I finally feel like my new camera isn't as scary as it looks. Just a lot of technical stuff that my older camera always just did...but I'm learning and getting things down. Still a few quirks to figure out and I am so glad I have my old camera as a backup :)

We have a b.u.s.y. summer ahead. My sister and I calculated about 10 weddings. we are excited to work with such awesome clients, their wedding locations are all different and we like having the variety. We also have engagement sessions, family sessions and senior sessions all mixed in there too.

I'm hoping April is a little nicer to me.

teeth

2011-03-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning my little Sarah woke up with a swollen jaw after a night of having a fever and crying. An emergency trip to the dentist and 5 hours later...she had 2 teeth pulled, 2 more teeth crowned and 4 more teeth with cavities filled and spent some time with IV antibiotics. YIKES! Poor baby. She has been doing a lot of this... I'm not sure we will be returning to our regular dentist, who's office is CLOSED on Fridays. They saw how bad her teeth were on Tuesday when I took Brinley (who has great teeth) in to get her teeth cleaned. They had tried to fix these teeth 6 months ago but Sarah didn't take to the concious sedation. I called them a month ago telling them about her teeth and they said they couldn't schedule her till after some specific date...a week too late.

I really really like the dentist I ended up taking her to. She was AMAZING! and we will be visiting her office instead.

My poor Sarah has my horrible teeth. I had the same oral surgery when I was 3 except that I had all my teeth capped. Sarah will be getting spacers put in where the teeth were pulled in the next 2-3 years, before her 6 year molar make their appearance. I really hope that this is the last of the major dental work that we will have to do. Neither Matt or I had braces and we are crossing our fingers that the girls won't either. Besides, I don't know if we could afford anymore dental issues...it SUCKS not having dental insurance.

waiting

2011-02-21T13:22:00.001-08:00

To lose your mother and give birth to your first child in the same day...my heart aches for this family.
Her last wish was to see her first born grandchild and the hospital is doing everything they can to grant her that wish. I get to be a small part of that and I don't know if I can hold it together. It's always hardest to see families feel the sorrow and heart ache. Knowing your mother is just down the hall just waiting to let go while you prepare to give birth to a perfectly healthy child.
There are times where I pray that my camera captures every little thing correctly and that I don't have technical issues to deal with. I am hoping today is one of those days where it all flows smoothly.

life goes on

2011-02-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

This past Friday, I got to share Olivia's story with a small group of nurses at Sacred Heart. Twice a year, a class is held for nurses, doctors, and chaplains on neonatal/infant death. It teaches them what to expect, what there role should be and how to handle it. As part of a panel of parents,who all have a child(ren) who has died, we get to share our story in detail with these people in hopes that they will learn from mistakes made and in general, just know what to do and say. I don't think I have ever gotten through a class without tears. It usually starts with whatever parent speaks first. I've heard their stories numerous times, but it still doesn't make it easier. I've met some amazing families through Olivia's death. We have met friends who Matt had gone to high school with, friends from all backgrounds and religions, friends who have had more that one infant die. People who get it, who know that grief doesn't ever leave. Even years and decades later, we will still have bad days. Even when you have more children, there is still that child missing.

At the end of November, I had my 6th miscarriage. I kept it quiet because my little sister, Kami, had just gone through her first miscarriage only a few weeks earlier. It was a surprise to me that I was even pregnant, but we didn't catch it in time for me to start taking prometrium (which is outrageously expensive when your insurance doesn't cover it). I'm pretty used to the disappointment. In fact, I expect it.

I know that there is always something good that comes from the worst situations. We don't always see it at the time of the trial, but down the road, months and years later, we can find something good came of it. Olivia's life is more than the 2 short hours she was with us, it's the years later when I am still able to talk to parents, photograph their children and share her story with students, nurses, doctors and so many more people. I have met with families who share the same disappointments I have, who aren't sure they will ever have a child that will survive. Parents who just want to be a parent to a living child or wonder if they will ever get to have a child of their own. I think you would be surprised at the number of parents out there who have had to bury their children. It's not been that long ago that no one would talk about it. And even now, some families feel jealous toward other families who had gotten so much more than they did, but they have a place to release their anger and we get it. We understand it. We are trying to change the way things used to be, but it takes time.

33

2011-02-20T12:18:00.000-08:00

I turned 33 in January. I'm not huge on celebrating my birthday, but it was nice to see all the comments left on my facebook page. Matt took me to lunch that day to Chaps. It was delicious as always. My mom had me and my sisters over the next day for lunch and to let out little stinks run around while we chatted. It was nice and way easier than trying to keep three 2 year olds from escaping a booth at a restaurant.

I won't post a picture of me on my birthday. I look like a cow. It's horrible. I do not like being in front of the camera. Typical answer.

life with a 2 year old

2011-02-20T11:59:00.001-08:00

I didn't realize until today that I hadn't posted anything since December ...that is sad. It's because of her... My little 2 year old.

busy as a bee

Things like this are a daily occurence. If it's not climbing on top of our stove to get the hot cocoa mix (which has now been moved, again)so she can eat it by the handfulls (gross), she is taking every DVD out of its case or pulling out the drawers to her dresser (not that she ever wears clothes for more than 5 minutes) or bringing her daddy a 25 lb bag of potatoes one by one.

This girl keeps me on my toes. If it's too quiet, something is going on. Her name lately has been 'little stink'. It fits her well.

I have sat down to the computer to blog many times in the past few weeks, I've had things I have wanted to say, but as soon as it's nap time and Sarah is down, my mind goes blank or it wanders to other things I need to get done. I actually keep a notebook by my bed about the things I want to blog about. One of these days, I'll get it some of it written on here :)

julie

2010-12-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

This is my sister.She is also my business partner.

We are often asked how we can have a business together and still like each other. We don't always get along, but balance each other out pretty well. Being adults siblings is a lot different from being sisters as children and teenagers.

My sister and I are pretty opposite from each other and I think that's why we can work so well together.

I love this girl more than she knows... and her sweet little family too.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-29T15:34:00.002-08:00

Christmas was quiet. ahhhh.

Brinley woke at 7am, but since Sarah was still sleeping, we had Brinely hop in bed with us and play on a cell phone till 8am, when Sarah woke up. Santa was good this year and brought us a Wii. It's been fun to watch Brinley beat us at everything!!! She is a particularly good bowler :) Brinley has asked for a glow dome for months. It's pretty cool and has been a source of entertainment in the afternoon, when it starts to get dark at 4pm. She got new clothes and a few littlest pet shops. Her favorite thing, and takes it everywhere, is a penguin pillow pet from her Aunt Becca. Sarah is obsessed with horses and got one to sit on for Christmas, thanks to Craigslist. She LOVES it. She pets it and sits on it to watch movies. It moves its head and tail and neighs and snorts and eats it's fake carrot. complete awesomeness. She did the funniest dance when she saw it. I wish I had it on video. She got a new Olivia snack tray, an outfit and a few other horse like objects.
I also made the girls a huge 4'x4' felt playhouse. I forgot to get any decent pictures of it and will do that sometime this week. It was fun to make and easier than I thought too. The girls love it and it can be taken down easily.

Matt and I celebrated our 11th Anniversary on the 10th with a weekend in Seattle without children. It was awesome and much needed. He spoiled me. I found that I am not a fancy hotel kind of person though, room service was nice and all, but I am not a fan of having them set it up in your room. I can do that myself :) We had a blast though. Thanks to my sister, Julie, for watching our kidlings.

Christmas Eve

2010-12-29T14:32:00.001-08:00

Most every year we spend Christmas Eve at my parents house. I married into an established family and many of Matt's siblings are grandparents and have their own little families, so we have Kunz family parties usually a few days before or after Christmas. Takes the stress off :)

My parents house is like walking into Mr. and Mrs. Claus house. My mom is the queen of Christmas decor. It's cozy and comfortable and my mom always has tons of goodies and food laid out for us to munch on.

We like to mix it up a bit every year and play reindeer games...Aren't they awesome reindeer? We had my cousin, Heather, over this year too. We don't see her too often, so it's always a treat to see her happy face. She is a goofball like the rest of us and came dressed in Christmas attire, ugly sweater included :)

This year, I surprised my siblings and dad with finishing my Grandma Dot's quilts...with the help of my mom. (My sister, Corinne and her quilt, are missing from this photo. She was with her kids in Utah and wasn't able to join us for Christmas.)

I really wanted to surprise the WHOLE family, but I knew I couldnt get all the quilts finished in time. My grandmother was a pretty spectacular lady. I'll have to find a picture of my grandparents to post. She made all of her 50 some-odd grandchildren a quilt. They were not all completed, I'm not sure who got finished ones and who got scraps. We got scraps and partially finished tops. I helped her with one when I was about 13. It had the little prairie bonnet girls on it.

Her quilts mean a lot to us. We didn't get much in the way of material things after she died, but have lots of memories of her and my grandpa. Each of the quilt tops we recieved were either completely hand stitched or had some hand stitching done on them. I loved the material she used on some of them. My dad said he recognized some of it from other projects she had done.

I still have mine to finish. That is my project for January...maybe I'll get it done before my birthday :) I hope that each of my cousin's will be able to get their quilt finished or those with finished quilts, realize how much work my grandmother put into them. I would be interested in knowing who didn't recieve a quilt, because it seems that we were sent an extra. I will happily finish it and send it off to a cousin who didn't get one. Please let me know :)

hi

2010-12-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

I know, I am such a blog slacker. I admit it. I really have had a lot going on...more than just the holidays. Our weather today consists of a foot of snow, so I knew I had no place to go and even though my house is a mess, I just really wanted to sit at my computer and write instead of clean.
I put up this basket for our winter gear. This is a clean picture of it all. Right now, it's piled high with winter coats, lots of boots, and the ocasional outdoor toy that the little girl brings in.
I love days like today. I think I was made to live in the Northwest, summer's are pretty mild and winters can be long and cold :)
I have about 3 other posts to write rather than 1 long post. I don't want my blog to go to pot. I have had many emails from people I don't know who said that my blog has been helpful/a blessing/and inspiring. I want to keep it that way :) I want people to know that there is good that comes from our trials. I want this blog to be real.
I hope 2011 brings inspiration and happiness to me.

2010-11-24T22:11:00.001-08:00

Yay! I can now blog from my phone :) hopefully I can keep up on this little blog of mine...

2010-11-24T22:10:00.001-08:00

Testing...

3 years

2010-11-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday marked 3 years since Olivia was born...and then died in my arms just short of two hours later.

I had gotten a lot of tears out early on in the week and did okay when the day actually came. Last week was a bit of a crazy week. With Sarah's birthday Tuesday, our sealing anniversary Wednesday along with my little sister finding our she was miscarrying and a great nephew being born, Thursday was Olivia's birthday and another great nephew was born. See, I told you it was crazy.

We were expecting snow last week too (which never came) so we went out the cemetery on Monday to plant flower bulbs. Early on Monday, my parents went and straightened Olivia's headstone and cleaned up the area a little. Cody and Melissa, Mackenzie's parents, had come out some time earlier and put the rocks around the girls plot.

My parents bought her balloons and brought apples from their tree.Sarah said hello to her. She loves to stand right above her and ring her chimes. My grubby little Brinley starting to dig holes for the bulbs.Melissa and Kennady met us out there to help plant bulbs for Olivia and Mackenzie. She was also smart enough to bring something to dig holes with.Then Julie came out with her kidlings and helped plant some bulbs too while the babies rearranged the apples and rocks. I hope that people don't mind that my Sarah climbs on the heastones around the cemetery.It was a grand little party :)

Melissa and I took our girls on a short trip to Seattle on Thursday night and got back Friday night. It was a needed trip and I have pictures and a post dedicated to it. I have a lot to say about last week, I just haven't had a chance to sit and write about it. So, my goal this week is to get some posts written.

yellow

2010-11-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

we have been looking for a table to fit our teeny tiny 'dining room' ever since we moved into our little home. Last week, my sister Julie found this cute vintage table at a thrift shop, but the price tag...OUCH! Lucky for me, the next day was 1/2 off day. And I got it for a bargain. THANK YOU my bargain hunting, thrift shopping, deal finding sister! It needs to be cleaned and so does my floor...yuck. I scraped about 60 years worth of food from in-between where the table leaf goes (and the leaf came with the table) It was really gross.
It fits perfectly! These tables were obviously built for the houses of the 50's. We haven't been able to sit as a family at our table since Sarah was born.
One of my plates broke...sad day. I am on the look out for a replacement.

birthday time

2010-11-08T14:54:00.001-08:00

today is Sarah's 2nd birthday.

we celebrated yesterday after church with some family and taco soup, cake and ice cream.

she loves to walk around the house neighing so we had a little horse party. never again will I go to the 50% off card shop for special balloons. Holy Moses. They are expensive! did you know that yokes carries a great assortment of balloons at almost HALF the price? Don't mind my disgusting kitchen counter please. Always such a lovely backdrop, don't you think? I made the number 2 with some scrap fabric and ironed it on to her shirt, which is actually pink, not red. she loved all of her gifts!

the little ones

2010-10-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot on what it is I actually do at the hospital when I go to photograph sweet little babies. Most of the time I am just there to photograph. I'm in the room as a silent guest, not part of the conversation or the goings on, unless I am asked to be. But there are times when I do more. I am able to help relieve the hospital staff from doing prints and molds. And then there are the times when I get to help bathe and dress the babies and those times are a little more sacred.

Most commonly, the babies are stillborn. Usually in the weeks of 20-34. Amazing people make gowns and outfits for these little babies because they are TINY and you can't buy clothes for them. The smallest diapers the hospital provides are way too big. Most of the time they don't put a diaper on the baby. It's difficult to take photos of the feet because they give the babies 'frog legs' and we have to undo the diaper to get the photos.

A good friend of mine who's daughter, Grace, died of the same thing as Olivia, Polycystic Kidney Disease, made her little Grace a diaper. She was born at 32 weeks and her diaper fit.

I had been trying to think of something more that parents can have to take home with them. I had searched the internet for doll diaper patterns, and nothing really seemed to fit what I was looking for. So I made my own pattern in 2 sizes and so far they have been perfect. the smallest if the diapers fit 20 weekers. the biggest fits 34 weekers.

When I have shown these to people in person, they are amazed that a baby can wear such a tiny diaper, but they do.

If you need a good service project, I recommend these. They are simple and easy to make and they will make photographing the tiny babies easier and give parents one more thing. I am happy to get you instructions and the pattern through email or leave a comment and I hope to post it on my blog as soon as I get the pattern scanned in.

(If you know of any places that sell tiny teddy bears, maybe 3-4 inches in size would you let me know? Yes? Awesome!)

i'm a little bit crazy.

2010-10-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

October has been a crazy month.
My house is a disaster right now and it has been for a week. I volunteered myself to make the class quilt for the school silent auction...what was I thinking. Making Brinley's Halloween costume, the Halloween parties, volunteering at the hospitals, volunteering at school, the meetings I attend, the callings I have at church and the photography business, and just being a mom...it just wasn't enough for me, so why not throw in making a quilt. Actually, I quite enjoyed it. So much that I forgot to get any good photos of it, which means I will have to get photos of it at the school on Friday, before they display it for the auction. :(

We have been doing lots of fun stuff this month too.

Grandma Lana had a Halloween party at her house. The kids decorated cookies and made their own pizzas.

***

We went to the pumpkin patch too. Twice actually. The first day was a bust. Brinley was out of school for Parent Teacher Conferences, but it was rainy and muddy and Sarah fell just as we got out of the car. I had my niece, Chloe, with me also. It's hard to run after a couple of almost two year olds in mud. These pictures are from the second trip.

I'm such a dork.

The 'three little girls' were a handfull.

Busy. Busy. Little. Girls. We don't recommend having babies with your sisters. When you have family events, nobody wants to play with your baby cause they have their own. Just kidding. Having babies with your sisters is awesome!

I'm sure these stinkers will be best friends. And why walk when your mom can pull you and your pumpkins around.

***
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Death Awareness Day. We took balloons and apples out to Olivia and Mackenzie. I still need to fix Olivia's headstone. I would like to get it done before the snow falls, which won't be long.

Since Olivia and Mackenzie share a plot, I had a little plaque made for Mackenzie until her headstone is placed. I didn't realize how small each of the girls spots are. We have plans this Spring for making them look nice. I'll have to get the bulbs planted as soon as possible though.

That night we drove to Coeur d'Alene to release balloons for our babies. We had three. One for our Olivia. One for my great nephew, Christian. One for my great niece, Makenzie.

It was really beautiful and we will be doing it again next year.

2010-10-12T14:48:00.001-07:00

I should be:

editing photos

cleaning the house

doing laundry

mowing up the leaves

vacuuming/sweeping the floors

Instead, I am:

picking up Brinley early from school and heading to Greenbluff with my family

carving pumpkins

making pizza

decorating cookies

watching Halloween movies

The other stuff can wait till tomorrow, right?

pretty little girls

2010-10-08T17:09:00.001-07:00

Brinely taught Sarah how to make faces.

I especially love that they both have dirt on their faces.

well, heeeellllllloooooo there.

2010-10-02T08:44:00.001-07:00

This sad neglected blog. I have had so many things I have wanted to sit and blog about. I was sure that once Brinley started school again, my life would be back on a schedule, things would get easier.

Not the case.

Life is busy. Very busy.
But I do want to keep up on this blog, even with small posts about everyday things. I think I will just recap some of the things we have been doing these past few months.

August:

Half of my family went on the 15 mile Hiawatha Trail. It was a lot of fun and I would like to go again next year. Brinley rode most of the way. She did not like going through the 1.6 mile tunnel (which you go through twice) in the dark with a little flashlight connected to the front of her handle bars, the first time through. On the way back, the second time, she was a pro and was singing "Fly Me to the Moon" with her dad the whole way. Sarah did amazing. Not much of a peep from her the entire trip. She loves bike rides :)

September:

Brinely started 2nd grade. She loves it, but has some focusing problems and comes home with lots of extra homework because she doesn't finish it in class. We give her fish oils and other vitamins, but this year, it just doesn't seem to be doing the job. Any suggestions?

I bought a thermos for her lunches this year too. It was worth the expense and has saved us from sandwiches every day. The girl loves soup and leftover pasta.

The week school started, so did the fair. I was a little disappointed this year. The attendance was WAY down. They usually have a kids free/ adults half price day, but not this year. The homemade/ handmade parts of the fair are my favorite. The photography, quilts, cakes, jams, sewing, etc. I lOVE it. The animals too.

I got to go three times this year. Once with all the family, once with Matt to see a Clint Black concert and a third with Brinley and her school. By the time I got home from the field trip, I couldn't walk. I was out for a week, with three trips to the chiropractor. I hate back pain. It was hard to lay on the couch and not be able to work on things. It drove me nuts. I had lists going through my head of all the stuff that needed to get done, stuff that had deadlines. AHHH.

We decorated for Fall/Halloween a week early. I couldn't help myself. It's my favorite time of year. Now if the Fall weather would return... A week of 80 degrees is not what I like to see. I love 65 degrees, where I can wear hoodies and jackets and drink hot cocoa in the morning. (starbucks brought back their salted caramel hot cocoa...yay!)

The leaves are just starting to fall from the 10 trees we have in our yard. I'm still waiting on the maples leaves to change color.

Matt got our fence finished. It only took him six months :) The gates aren't done yet, but I'm super happy that I have a fenced yard. Sarah is quick and now I don't have to worry as much about where she is.

We bought a chicken coop. I still need to seal the wood. We have decided to wait until Spring to buy the chickens. We are excited to have fresh eggs.

Sarah is a wonderful artist. She likes to show off her work on our walls, Brinley's dresser, her arms, legs and stomach. She is quite a talker now too. My favorite thing...when she walk into the kitchen and points to a cupboard and says 'No canny, no no canny. no" She knows where the stash of candy is for sunday school class and always wants a piece. I always tell her no. She also says:

pancake,

bye everybody,

papa,

baba (grandma),

i go out tide?

binney (brinley)

big gurl

binky

sippy

shoosh (shoes)

biaper (diaper)

bum

bath

gabba gabba? (yo gabba gabba)

bunkey (monkey)

da-dee (daddy)

mom, momma , mommy, mom, mom, mom, momma, mom, mooomeeee!!!!!!!

Brinley loves to be at home, jumping on the trampoline, hanging with her mom, playing with her sister. She does not like doing homework, going to bed or brushing her hair.

We took Sarah to the dentist, she had three cavities. She isn't two yet. Brinley has no cavities and perfectly spaced teeth. Lucky girl.

I have been nuts. HA! Our photography business has taken off. We had 4 shoots this week. We have 5 weddings booked already for next Summer. Family pictures are now the season. I have been trying to keep up on everything around the house, including all the yard work. I talked to a class of high school kids about Olivia yesterday. My niece, Cindy, invited me and is fundraising for memory making things for families who's babies die. Her brother just went through losing their daughter a month ago. I also am helping once a week in Brinley's class. I love helping at the school. Tuesdays are crazy. I have meetings every Tuesday. So does Matt. I have to drag my girls to half of them. It is not fun.

Matt works. all. the. time. I see him for a bit at night, but Tuesdays and Thurdays he has meetings, those nights are crazy for me. He has decided that he loves to golf and I allow him to go every Saturday morning. I say 'allow' lovingly... he feels guilty most of the time. I think everyone needs a break from a crazy life :)

Sundays are the only day that Matt doesn't work. It's filled with church and sometimes a photo shoot. It is not a day I get to completely enjoy. Truthfully, I don't look forward to Sunday. Matt and I both teach a Sunday school class. Sarah isn't a fan of nursery and so I am usually wrangling her so that we can teach and then wandering the hallway so that she can get wiggles out. Church is from 1-4, which is right during nap time. I can't wait for the time to change in January to 9-12, however, i dread 9am church and like the 11am time better :) It seems like church has been hit and miss a bit lately, my back was out one weekend, sick kids, being out of town, etc. We try to go faithfully, eventhough I feel like I get nothing out of it, Brinley needs to be there and Sarah needs to learn to sit still. I'm sure that this is just one of those season's in a mother's life.

That's it for now. My crazy life. Filled with lots.

today.

2010-08-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

We are headed to a funeral today.

This past week I has brought back a lot of memories, good and bad, of what we went through more than 2 1/2 years ago. It feels different when it's family. There is more involved than taking photos for a family at the hospital. It involves making sure that everything this week goes smoothly and that they don't have to worry about whats for dinner, which funeral home to go with, where she will be buried, etc.

I was asked to prepare little Mackenzie for burial. Yesterday afternoon I went to the funeral home and got to hold my sweet little great niece one more time. It brought back memories of my little Olivia. It was the same room, the same funeral director...the same sweet compassion.

I was also invited to the birth. When you know people at the hospital, you know that they will have the best nurses on shift. That they will get the best care and that everything will hopefully flow well.

They were placed in what we call, the Olivia room... it was the first time I had set foot in there since Olivia was born. I took a deep breath before I entered. I had flashbacks of that night. I took pictures of Mackenzie in the same place Olivia had her pictures taken, again flashbacks. And as I wathced my nephew hold his tiny daughter, I was reminded of my husband and the sadness on his face when he held our tiny daughter.

It was good to be reminded of those times. It reminds me of why I do what I do and that we have been blessed by our loss. Others are blessed by our loss. Olivia is very much alive.

Today, Mackenzie will be placed right next to Olivia. I went to the cemetery yesterday evening. The grave had been opened, ready for today. I wanted to move away some of the dirt so that I could see Olivia's concrete box (this is what they placed her casket in). I just wanted to touch it. I can't imagine I'll ever get to be that physically close to her again. I won't have those feelings of her being out there all by herself anymore.

I know there will be a lot of tears today. I also know that Olivia and Mackenzie will be there with us, along with Christian.

*the Kunz family as a whole has had three babies die.

Christian Nicholas Call August 30, 2001 born still

Olivia Kamille Kunz November 11, 2007-November 11, 2007

Mackenzie Eva Kunz August 24, 2010 born still

relying on Him

2010-08-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, Karin, recently posted something on her blog that goes well with my last post. I thought I share some of it here.

I mentioned the "God does not give us more than we can handle" phrase. It's widely overused in times when it's not what a person/family wants to hear.

So I want to quote my friend...

"At the time it seemed comforting, a nice thing to believe.

Then the days went by, the weeks, the months.

My pain grew deeper and stronger and I started to wonder.

To wonder if this was really a promise of God.

So I opened up His book and came to fine...

there is no such verse. No such promise.

But what He does promise us is strength when we are weak.

Rest when our burdens are heavy.

Peace when our hearts are troubled.

He promises us struggles in life, but a Heaven without tears."

And my favorite part, which I feel is right on...

"So here is what I do believe...

God does in fact give us MORE than we can bear.

He allows it so we will rely on Him, not ourselves.

Rely on His strength, not our own."

So true.

comfort.

2010-08-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

Just last week, a good friends sister tragically lost her husband, leaving her alone with four small boys, the oldest being 7. It has been devastating. I did not know her sister and his family personally but Matt knew him.

We have talked a lot about it and it really got us thinking about how when Olivia died, our lives were changed FOREVER and life for everyone around us had gone on. They had their responsibilities and families to take care of while we were now stuck in a consuming grief. People were preparing for the holidays...we were just trying to get through them. It was hard.

I have read the facebook page made for the family and their friends to leave memories, messages and photos. This man was loved...by many.

A quote came to mind.

"Never does one feel oneself so utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for great bereveament. I will not try it."

Jane Welsh Carlyle

Oh, how I wish people would have understood what we were feeling. What we STILL feel. I can't begin to imagine how this family feels. How this mother now has four boys to raise without their father.

I remember people telling us about the 'miracle of so-and so's baby and they lived and they are perfectly healthy now' and we felt as if they were telling us we didn't have enough faith to heal our daughter. We knew that she wasn't meant to be with us on earth. We were at peace with that. I know they meant well, but there are times when things are better left unsaid.

Our circumstances were obviously different than those of this family, but I am sure they don't want to hear the "God won't give you more than you can handle" Hallmark card line. However, there were many heartfelt cards that we recieved and I read through them a couple times a year.

What a person NEEDS is service. I remember getting service in the forms of babysitting (even for extended family members), books to read and movies to watch (for when I was pregnant still and couldn't sleep), meals were brought in, cleaning my house, doing yard work and running errands. Even a cash donation for the costs of the funeral, heastone, and even the bills.

I am so greatful for all the service that was provided for us. We didn't have to worry about anything except us.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to this family. I wish them comfort and understanding in the weeks, months and years to come. The grief will NEVER leave them and the normal they once felt is no longer that. A husband, father, son, brother and friend will be missed terribly.

book report. by Brinley

2010-07-28T10:04:00.001-07:00

To get Brinley to read more this Summer, I am giving her a chance to write book reports on my blog. She thinks it's cool and went and grabbed the first book she could find: She got this book for free from her teacher last year. It's a super easy read for a 7 year old.

This is what she has to tell us about it:

' Well, it's about a dog that does the opposite that anybody in the family tells him except his owner, the boy. One day he ran all the way to the park and everybody calls his name but he won't come. The boy called his name and he comes to him. Buddy loves the boy. The end.'

Brinley gives this book a 10... ' because it's very funny and easy to read. I like the pictures too.'

Brinley has a TON of books, so I am hoping she will learn to love books as much as I do.

happiness is...

2010-07-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

getting flowers from grubby little hands.

Mt. Spokane

2010-07-27T18:14:00.001-07:00

We took a drive up to Mt. Spokane Sunday. I haven't been up there for years. The girls LOVED running around and collecting rocks and flowers...well, I think Sarah just loved being free to run and do whatever she pleased.

This is what Sarah looks like 90% of the time:dirty face. messy hair. happy.Brinley fould a few more rocks to add to her collection. She has found so many heart shaped rocks (like the onle in my header), it's awesome. All of them have been found in our yard except one, I think I've got 6-7 now. I LOVE these photos!!! The one above is awesome! The one below I took just before getting a family shot of the 4 of us, but it didn't turn out. I was there, here's a photo to prove it.

braids

2010-07-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

I braided sarah's hair for the first time today. I could have braided it ages ago, but the kid doesn't sit still for very long. She does know that when I do her hair, it no longer hangs in her face and once in a while she will bring me a barrett and say "eehhhh" which means about a million and three things right now. It is so cute, and she started giggling and feeling her hair when I finished.

She is quite the cuddly baby and LOVES her daddy. When he leaves for work, she follows him to the door, gives him a kiss and stands at the window saying "bye, daddy", while waving her adorable little hand. She sure is a happy little things...busy, but happy.

teacher gift

2010-06-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

I really should be cleaning my house (for the 100th time this week) and getting things ready for our trip, but I don't have the motivation at the moment and since Sarah is asleep, I can sit here without a kid hanging off me.

School got out last week. Brinely's teacher cried. It was sweet. It almost made me cry. I really loved her teacher. She was amazing. I got to know her fairly well from being in the classroom so much. She loves to read and since the weather here has been a bit on the cold and rainy side, I made her a lap quilt.

I love this quilt. I love the colors and the size. It was hard to give it up. I hope she liked it. She wouldn't look at the gifts that anyone brought into her. She was trying hard not to show emotion.

summer.

2010-05-29T16:06:00.001-07:00

School is out in two weeks. Those two weeks are filled with fun field trips to the bowling alley and roller rink and a school play day. We will miss Brinley's teacher. She is AWESOME and AMAZING!
*

I'm excited about this Summer, mostly because I have projects in my head.
Next week, we will be putting up our wooden picket fence. Which means that I don't have to worry so much about Sarah running into the street. Holy cow, that kid is fast.
***
Next weekend I REALLY REALLY want to go here:We went last year. It was a blast. I, however, will not be one of the hundreds of women that show up early to stand in line for 2 hours before it opens because I will have my kidlets with me.
***
In just 3 weeks, we will be in Gearhart, Oregon at this lovely little place:We are all excited for this week long vacation. We haven't rented a house here before, but I've been to the cute little shops and ice cream shop there. Completely opposite of Seaside. Plus, we can drive on the beach.
***
A week later, Matt and Brinley fly down to Utah for a Family Reunion. Brinley is very excited about flying on a plane and asks me daily how much longer. I'm sad I have to miss it, but my sister, Julie, and I will be shooting the first of 6 weddings this Summer as Madeline James Photography along with senior, family and child portraits too. We are pretty excited.
***
On my to-do list are :
window boxes and a chicken coop...I WISH!.. but mine will look more like this: Brinley really, really wants a pet but we are allergic to cats (and do not like them anyway) and I would be stuck taking care of a dog (no thank you). So we thought about chickens. They are easy to keep and they produce something useful. We have the perfect space for them too.
***
I want to get the back section of our RV parking ready for raised garden beds or use the frame of the car canopy to build a large greenhouse, but I'm not sure if it's possible.
***
Slowly but surely, our little house is becoming OUR home. We are loving it more and more. Now, if we can just get the little baby birds to fly and leave our attic so we can fix the awnings and paint the house.

understanding.

2010-05-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

Mother's day is my most unfavorite of all the holidays. It's not a celebration for me, it's a reminder that my child is dead.
The second year we were married, I had a miscarriage right before Mother's day. I sat in church as the Young Men passed around the flowers that are given every year to all women over the age of 18 even if you don't have children). I HATE those flowers. I know that they mean well, but I really hate them...can't they give out something different? I take one to be nice. Matt knows I hate them and carried it around for me. That little plant reminded me of what wasn't to be. I had failed as a mother.
Every year since, I look at Matt as those flowers get passed out at church. His comment is the same, "be nice...". I am sure I look annoyed and feel the urge to walk out of there.
When Olivia died, I changed. How could I not? I was now the parent of a dead child.
I am still the same, but changed.
There are things that I look at differently, things I feel differently. I have anxiety over dropping Brinley off at school, thinking something might happen to her and I won't be there. And every day, I give her a kiss and hug and tell her I love her, because I never know if that may be the last...sometimes I hug her a little too long and she notices, wanting me to let her go, and I do.
I snuggle and cuddle my little Sarah to sleep, giving her all of my attention and she knows it. Blissfully, she falls asleep in my arms every night, and I am okay with that because I get to hold her and stare at her perfect little body. And even when I am criticized for not letting her cry herself to sleep, I don't care, because they don't understand.
It isn't something that can be explained to some one who hasn't experienced having empty arms, and quiet nights, wondering what might have been. Who don't know the feelings of sadness that creeps up on you while your at the store buying apples for her grave or feeling her close while taking photos of another little perfect angel.

In the words of NieNie "this is my new life..."

and if I had not experienced the death of my child, I would not understand. I would not have the knowledge to help others the way I do now. I would not know that I could love deeper, that I could feel such sorrow and that it could bring such peace, understanding and even happiness.

the toof fairy

2010-04-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Brinley woke up yesterday with her tooth missing. She found it in her bed and ran in to our room extremely excited. The girl turned 7 last week and just now lost her first tooth, the excitement on her face was like telling her we were going to Disneyland.

She took her tooth to school.

She named it.

She was not giving it up without a fight.

This was the letter to the 'Toof Fairy':"Don't take my tooth, but give me money!!!!!"

The Tooth Fairy did NOT leave money.
Brinley got to keep her tooth.

Sarah loves

2010-04-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

snack time.

All she wants to do is eat all. day. long. Which makes me think she's in a growth spurt. Her favorite snack has been strawberries, sour cream and a little brown sugar. It's fun to play in and tastes delicious.

it's Brinley's birthday. shout hooray!

2010-04-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my beautiful little 6 year old is now 7!

Last Saturday I had a little party for her, well, I thought it was going to be little because I wasn't expecting all but 2 of the girls in her class not to come, plus the extra friends that we've had for years. It was me and 11 girls...aaahhhh! Not ONE parent stayed, but that's okay.

Actually, they were really good.

This is the invite I sent out, with the obvious address and phone number missing, of course.

She wanted a Space themed party. She REALLY, REALLY wanted a Spaceneedle cake, but I wasn't about to come up with that one. I did, however, come up with the most horrid looking cake ever. I don't recommend trying to put a cake together at 1am. It did not turn out as I had envisioned. This ugly cake was supposed to look like the moon sitting in outer space with a Brinley Astronaut on top of it. I bought some black food coloring to make black frosting, but it never got home with me, so I had to improvise with chocolate...it turned out really sad. Then the stars looked like snowflakes. And yes, that is a Buzz Lightyear with apicture of Brinley's face taped on it...I am white trash for sure.

Space suits are expensive for 11 girls, so I came up with glow in the dark alien masks...the glow in the dark part is coming up. When they all got to the house, they got to make a mask. Here, Brinley is saying, "I come in peace and mean you no harm." She's a nut.

I spent most of Friday afternoon and evening making the basement look like space. THANK YOU, THANK YOU Karen, for cutting out all the stars and planets on your little machine...what a time saver. I draped all of the walls in black table cloths, cung a black light on the wall, decorated with white paper stars and neon planets, then hung white streamers from the ceiling. Then, I hung some white poster board on the wall and let the girls draw with highlighters...which eventually ended up on themselves, because then they would glow in the dark.

I wish I could have taken a better picture of this room. It really was cool. Want to see what highlighters do?... Awesome, huh!

The weather ended up being amazing, so after playing in the basement forever, we went outside and they took turns 'flying to the moon' on the rope swing. My arms were worn out. We ate pizza and had cake and ice cream too. Then opened gifts. Brinley said it was the "best birthday party ever".

Mama scored some brownie points for sure!

Today at school, Brinley got to be line leader and answer questions from the class and got to wear a crown. At the end of the day, I brought some cupcakes for the class. They sang 'Happy Birthday" and she got to pass the cupcakes out. She requested the same ones as last year, rainbow. Sarah claps after anyone sings. She got to sit at Brinley's desk while the class sang to Brinley.

My Brinley-girl, I LOVE YOU! You fit just perfectly into our family. Your an awesome big sister and a huge help to your Momma. You are smart and amazing and your teacher at school thinks your pretty special too.

So here are a few things about you:

you hate dolls

you LOVE stuffed animals

you like littlest pet shop

your favorite food is Spaghetti

you haven't lost any teeth yet

you love to swing

you are the best big sister

your favorite color this week is green

you really, really want a pet...not happening

you think asparagus is disgusting, but I secretly catch you eating it

you think that baths are the best thing ever

you love to stay home because you get to wear your pajamas

I could go on and on...but we are headed out to Olive Garden, her choice, to celebrate some more.

Easter

2010-04-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

We spent the Saturday before Easter dyeing eggs at Julie's house with Corinne and her kids too. Each kid got to dye a dozen eggs. It's one of the messiest things I believe we make a tradition out of. It stains hands and tables...but who cares, right?

After dyeing the eggs, Kelsey played the Easter bunny and hid all of the plastic eggs in Julie's front yard.

The babies didn"t care so much for hunting eggs and were more interested in the yard toys and getting to play outside. The storm followed us home from Utah and we had a few snow flurries over the weekend, luckily it hasn't stuck around and our temp's have been into the 70's and almost 80 degrees. NICE!

spring break

2010-04-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm way behind on posts. Bad me.

Anywho...this year for spring break, Julie and I took our kiddos to Southern Utah and into Arizona. We started our drive at 8am and got to Springdale, Utah at 3am...where NOTHING is open. Not even the hotels with vacancy signs. So we slept in the car until about 6:30, when the cleaning people show up and they were nice enough to let us into our room way earlier than check in time without charging us an extra night. Thank you nice people. We tried to get a little sleep, but the babies were wide awake. So we just got ready for the day and headed to Zion National Park. Very cool, but small and not a lot a room to park anywhere so we could hike around. We got the kids out for a short hike, but mostly drove through the really long tunnel and saw everything from the car.

We spent the afternoon walking around downtown Springdale and let the kids play in the mud. I didn't get many pics from that part of the trip though. It was very fun and we all loved it.

The next morning we got up way, way early...i woke up at around 3 and could not go back to sleep. So i got the car packed and myself ready then woke up Julie to get her stuff done. We left at 5 and drove down to Page, Arizona, my place of birth. It was a GORGEOUS drive into Page. Lake Powell is a little low, but still beautiful. We found the house my parents built... It took us 3 times driving by it to recognize it. It looked nothing like this 30 years ago, or 10 years ago. They moved the front door and painted it some hideous color and the yard looks like crap. I got out to take a picture and the new owner came out to talk to me. I guess he is in the middle of major renovations and hurt his back. He apologized for how the house and yard looked, but was a totally nice guy. He had only lived there 2 years and wasn't thrilled with the color of the house either. If you ever drive through Page, the restaraunts are horrid. Really. We didn't want fast food and stopped at some little italian/mexican restaraunt. It was like 7:30. They closed at 8...what restaraunt closes at 8...we left and went and ate some of the greasiest disgusting food ever. YUCK!

We drove through Page that morning and went straight down to the Grand Canyon, and Grand it is. We also stopped at a Navajo jewelry stand and got a few things on the way.

This place is AMAZINGLY HUGE! Those idiots in the above picture are on the edge of a 400 foot drop. There is no railing and we even saw a few kids. If you ever want to read about some interesting deaths, you need to read the book 'Death in the Grand Canyon'. Most of them are because people are stupid...like the above. We stayed far away from the edge and wouldn't let the kids be on the Canyon side of the walkway. They were okay with that. It is quite the sight to see and makes you think of how tiny we really are. The weather was beautiful, but SO WINDY!!!

We drove back into Page and stayed the night. The next day we headed to Antelope Canyon...MY FAVORITE! Absolutely amazing. It was beyond windy...we had sand in places where it shouldn't have been.

It's worth the money and I suggest not going on the guided tours, just drive out to the place. You still get the guide, but about 1/2 the price.

We were going to head up to Moab that day, but the dang weather was crap, so we headed to St. George. Beautiful city, the people...thats a whole other post. I loved St. George until I got out of the car, thats when every fake blonde/tan/too perfect woman/girl looked Julie and I over about 10 times. Um...we have been in a wind storm and have been driving for 3 days.
We headed back north the next morning, straight into a snow storm. We decided to take a detour and go to Vernal, but I took a wrong turn and we ended up south of Provo...we were bummed, so we just drove home that night. It gave us a few days to relax and prepare for Easter.

I put 2800 miles on my van. Its an awesome van and I love it.

little ones

2010-03-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of the nights when you are physically exhausted, but your brain just keeps on going and won't shut down. I have a million things going through my head. A huge to do list and lots of heavy thinking...that is the part that is keeping me awake, I'm sure.

It's been far too long since I've talked about Olivia. She was the reason I started this blog...

A few weeks ago, I took photos of my great nephew, he is so cute and adorable and perfect. The same day, I took photos of another little baby, a boy, who was tiny and adorable and perfect, but it wasn't a happy day for these parents. He had passed away. It was an interesting day for me, to go from one extreme to the other, to see such joy in one family and sorrow in another.

I don't share my story with families at the hospital unless I am asked questions about how I am able to photograph their little ones. This particular family, that few weeks ago, was quiet and reserved, showing little emotion, like they had things under control. I quietly went about my photographing, keeping my words to a minimum so they could keep the quiet peace in their room. I always point out the sweet little features, usually finding that the baby has so and so's nose, or so and so's hair color. I think it helps them to know that I look past the imperfections and see a beautiful human being, their child. I usually end the photo shoot with the parents holding their baby so that when I leave the parents get to have a moment with their sweet little one. As I left the room, the mother started to cry. By the time I was in the hallway, I could hear her sobs. I was thanked by the hospital staff and was told that it was the first time she had cried since she had got to the hospital. I'm not sure what it was I said or did. A few days later, I got a card in the mail.

"Thank you for coming to take pictures of ____ and his family. His parents left this card of recognition for you and they and the staff were so appreciative of all you did.

I can't imagine doing this job without your services. Thanks not only for your amazing photography talent, but for your sensitivity and respect you offer. Thank you!"

Inside the card was a note from the family on a recognition postcard:

"For Arah Kunz.

Deserves recognition for: treating my son with the utmost respect while taking photos. Being respectful of family and boundaries."

This was the first note I have ever received from a family. It made me feel so good that, because of my little Olivia, I can help another family have memories and maybe give them hope that things will be okay, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.

Earlier this week, I was at the hospital photographing another sweet little baby. This family was more talkative, asked me lots of questions about how long I had been taking photographs for Forget Me Not(I can't believe it's been two years) and how I got started. Sometimes I get a "I'm so sorry for your loss" and I feel bad, like I'm taking a moment away from their child. After I was finished, I left my information with the family, then quietly left. The next day I got an email from one of the family members.

"Hello Arah,

I want to express my thanks for your kindness and caring way that you respected ____ yesterday. Your compassion and tenderness helped to lessen the pain that we were all feeling so deeply..."

It amazes me what my daughter has done for so many families. I know her spirit is right there with me when I am with these little ones . It's my one-on-one time with Olivia that I can't really have anywhere else.

bathroom update

2010-03-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Yay! Our bathroom is almost done!

The tile floor is done... the vanity is in ...
the toilet flushes...

just a few little things left to finish, like the shower head, a toilet paper holder and towel bar, a mirror...oh so close.

It's exciting! Eventually there will be ashower door, but for now a curtain will have to do.

In other projects...

I took the disgusting carpet off the stairs...

pretty huh?

There is some real, real nice linoleum on the stairs. Whoever put the carpet in failed to prep the stairs and I am having to remove the metal edge pieces off of every stair. And the dirt? ugh. It's gross.

Can't believe how close we are to having a basement. As long as we don't have any other set backs, the carpet should be installed next week.

The window in my kitchen is being installed as I type. Can't wait to have a window I can see through and can clean from the outside.

SO EXCITED!

...

2010-03-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning we went to a dear Kunz family friend, Gerald Lowe's, funeral. He is the Father-in-law of Matt's sister, Lori. Such a sweet, loving man. He was buried just a few feet from our little Olivia. Matt's parents haven't been out to the cemetery since Olivia's funeral, so Saturday, they were able to see her headstone in person. Thank goodness for iphone's. We wouldn't have this picture otherwise.

We brought apples (we don't bring flowers often) for the deer. We brought one for Gerald too.
It was really nice to have family with us. Usually it's just me and the girls, or just me or Matt and I. So I really, really appreciated the Lowe family and Matt's sister, Ami, and his parents to just spend a few minutes with her, even while there for the graveside service for Gerald.
Thank you!

celebrate

2010-03-08T08:14:00.001-08:00

Last week, my Grandfather would have been 100 years old.

(my Grandpa, a HUGE A's fan, holding tickets to the '89 World Series, I believe. Always has a game on the TV...or Lawrence Welk)

Many of my Dad's siblings celebrated his birthday by going to my Grandparent's favorite Chinese restaraunt and bowling (my Grandfather was quite the bowler). We could not join them, as we are in Washington and the celebrating was done in California.

My Dad had to work the day of my Grandpa Brownie's birthday. He sent out an email to his children reminding us to remember him. Since we couldn't have a little party on his birthday, this last Saturday, we got together to go bowling.

We are not nearly as good as my Grandpa...okay, not even close. Most of us didn't score over 100.
My Dad had the best score of 149.

He reminds me of my Grandfather, quiet and hardworking.

Cody asked his mom to make a mohawk. Cody cracks me up. Such a funny little man.

After bowling, we all went to my parents for some of my Dad's chocolate cake and the best frosting ever. We sang Happy Birthday and Brinley and Cody blew out the candles.

To be honest, I didn't know my Grandpa all that well. We didn't grow up around them and moved closer to them when I was in high school. I do remember the vacations we took to go see them. We would always get there late at night and slept on their concrete kitchen floor in sleeping bags (NO WAY I could do that now).

They always had these pastries in their fridge that they would heat up and put butter on (like they weren't fattening enough). They sell these pastries at Costco and everytime I walk by them, the thought of my Grandparent's pop into my head.

My Grandpa always had a stash of mini 3 musketeers. Every afternoon, he would have one. If we were at his house, he would always share with us.

He would pull out his harmonica and play for us, it never seemed to be planned, just whenever he felt like it.

I think every one of my cousins remember his wet sloppy kisses. We still joke about these, and once in a while, we give one to my Dad.

My grandpa always had a nice garden and a huge cherry tree (my brother loved shooting birds out of that tree). He always took good care of his yard, I'm guessing that's where my Dad got his green thumb.

Happy 100th Birthday Grandpa!

We love and miss you!

And because I don't get pics of my little family all together that much (what a bad mom), here is one of my girls and my sweet hardworking husband, whom I hardly ever get to see much of.

before and in-the-middle-of...

2010-02-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

renovations. Our basement is a mess, but not for long, thanks to Matt's awesome Uncle and his brother, Chris, with his plumbing expertise. So here are a few pics...okay, a lot of pics, of some before's and during's:

The Hallway before Now: with a closet...YAY for storage!
***
Before: the BEAST...that would be that despicable mess of a fuse box on the wall, and the ugly utility stuff. That white pipe, that's the outdoor sprinkler system that went THROUGH our basement ceiling.

Now: the sprinkler pipes have been removed and we have all of our electric updated. oh yeah, and a wall to hide the ugly utilities. It's not a full wall. I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out how to put a door in this awkward spot and the pipes stand out from the wall at least a foot. ***

Before: our old place to store all the crap we collected and where we hung some of our laundry.

Now: the second bathroom now resides...and it has been a pain in the behind all around with ducting that hangs low and some plumbing issues needing to be addressed. But it's coming together thanks to the pro's who know what they are doing.

And our dryer died during all of this too. Luckily, we have connections and it was replaced the next day. Our furnace had decided to take the past two weekends off and we had all been sleeping in one room with a space heater. I guess with all the dust from construction, the heat sensor had enough. Again, family came to the rescue to fix it...Thanks Chris!

***

Before: the storage under the stairs.

Now: the bathroom wall. We opened up the wall on the other side of the stairs in the new storage room. It was really, really nice not to have to move all of those boxes. The dark concrete on the floor is where the new plumbing was connected for the toilet. We REALLY, REALLY need a second bathroom.

***

Before: The family room and storage room. Now: with the walls up and painted and doors. That's Jeff over in the corner, he's our painter friend who does a really, really good job.

and this is the room after the paint (we chose the color STONE by Ralph Lauren and it's a really awesome, calming color. LOVE IT!) We cut an opening from the hallway into this room because the hallway is so narrow. We wanted to open up the space and couldn't widen the entrance to this room. It really like how it turned out.Here is the before of the other end of this huge room.

And how it looked before being painted. The window on the end, we will eventually egress.

We can't wait to use this space. It will be like adding almost double what we have upstairs, which isn't big, so it will be nice to have another place for the kids to play and not drive me nuts. Brinley had been hoarding all the carpet samples we bring home. She thinks they feel nice on her feet and isn't fond of the wood floors we have.

By the end of next week, we hope to start putting windows and doors in...it's all so exciting.

love rocks!

2010-02-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have always loved homemade valentines. Brinley loves them too. I have found some really creative and fun valentines on the web. I borrowed some of the ideas I found and changed them up a bit to fit what I wanted to do. We took advantage of our chalkboard wall and made some really fun valentines. The best part of these is that they are super easy and cheap. Had them printed in 1 hour. Brinley had seen some decoration at school that said 'love rocks' and wanted her bubble to say just that.

Can I just tell you how much fun our chalk board wall has been. We love it! Brinley practices her spelling words on it...makes homework a lot more interesting.The hardest part was cutting out the holes to thread the bag through. If I hadn't alread had the bags done, I would have used something to twist close.

Brinley loved them and is excited to give them out at school today. We don't have school tomorrow or Monday, so the whole school gets to celebrate Valentine's Day by going roller skating all day and then have class parties in the afternoon when they get back.

career concert

2010-02-11T10:47:00.001-08:00

Last week Brinley had a career concert at school. For a few weeks before the concert, they had parents come in and tell the kids what they do and why its important to go to school and learn math and reading, etc. I signed Matt up to come and talk about cell phones and being able to take them apart to fix them. They gave him the title of "phone man". He gave them all some little CricKet flask light. Brinley has come home with books, toothbrushes, chocolate ears, candy, stickers, a few Zumba moves (she goes to school with the Y's Zumba instructors daughter), pencils, etc.

THEY LOVED IT!

All of the children were asked to wear a costume to school dressed as what they want to be when they grow up. There were police men, soldiers, bakers and cooks, teachers, basketball players and even a Willy Wonka. Brinley has always, always wanted to be...

an ice cream store worker.

I kinda nudged her to maybe want to own her own ice cream shop someday. She came up with the name and picked the colors of the stripes. I made her costume out of butcher paper, markers and a bit of felt...easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
She loved it.

The night of the concert, all the kids in her class dressed up in their costumes. During one of the songs, they walked the "runway" so they could show everyone their someday careers. It was adorable. They all did such a good job.

Last Friday, they had got to stand up in front of the class, dressed in their costumes and tell about what they do. Brinley had made up ice cream flavors that were going to be in her shop 'strawnana' (strawberry banana) and 'huckleberry lava' (not sure what exactly would be in it other than huckleberries, but she liked the name).

I love her class and her teacker. So, so glad I put her in the SPICE Program.

basement

2010-02-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

Our basement is starting to look like a lot like a room and not a basement anymore.

It's exciting.

I will finally have a storage room and we will all appreciate the second bathroom. We've had a few issues with the electrical, as in placing the sprinkler system (which goes THROUGH our house) directly in front of our old school fuse boxes and puting a light in the air intake...idiots. Those things will be fixed and we will be upgrading our fuse boxes. We are pulling out our sprinkler system entirely for now and when we get the yard finished, replace it.
It's so much farther along than this now. But I haven't taken a picture of it in the last two days.
Our windows came in today...YAY! They screwed up and ordered the wrong tint, so they don't qualify for the rebates. However, they we're awesome enough to pay us back what we would have gotten from Avista. We already got an awesome deal on them, so now we got an even awesomer deal on them. We will start replacing those next week.
We picked out carpet , door and paint yesterday.
Can't wait to see it all done.

hi. my name is Arah and I have an addiction...

2010-01-26T14:17:00.001-08:00

I LOVE Zumba.

If you haven't tried it, you must. It is so. much. fun! I have been going twice a week for the past 6 months and in the past few weeks, I've bumped it up to 4 times a week, with swimming, weights and cardio on the other days, except Sunday. Sunday I take a break. It's given me tons of energy and I really miss it when I can't go. The classes have been as large as 75-80 people. It's awesome. There is even a 91 year old in the class.

My only problem is that I sweat horribly. It's disgusting. My friend I go with is also a sweat-er. Her birthday was on Sunday, so I made her a little gift. I've decided that there aren't any cute sweat bands out there, so I made my own. Way cuter. We used them last night, they were awesome! I did a little tweaking to make them better and waalaa...

I took a bunch into the class this morning.

They were a hit. I made them in different colors. They collect the sweat. They don't slide. YAY!!! And used a nice plush terry cloth for the inside. I'm making more. LOTS MORE!

People are buying them from me.

Who would have thought there was a market for sweat bands...

i {heart} seattle

2010-01-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, my sister, Julie, and I took the kids over to Seattle to do some tourist-y stuff and see my bro and his girls. My SIL had won some tickets to the BODIES Exhibition and asked if we wanted to go... AMAZING!!!

Sorry if you have a weak stomach, I had to add some pictures. (click on the pics for the links)

Brinley hated it. In fact, I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I would have liked. She and I hung out in the souvenir area until everyone else was done,then they hung out with her while I did a hurried run through of the place. AMAZING is all I can say. If you get an opportunity to go, check it out.

Friday we had to do some business stuff and then took the kids to the LEGO store. they loved it! It was a great treat for them since we spent about 2 hours in the van driving around in circles in the U district waiting for a parking space to open up close to where I dropped Julie off.

We were pretty pooped out that afternoon. We enjoyed dinner at a 50's diner in Redmond. Great place for kids to run around and get some energy out.

Saturday we decided to take the kids to the top of the Space Needle. I've been to the Space Needle a dozen times, but never have I been to the top until last weekend.

The kids were pretty excited about it. Brinley's favorite part was the elevator ride up.'Hello Seattle!'Brinley decided that when she grows up, she wants to work there. I'm sure she will change her mind next week.

We came home Sunday and spent Monday being lazy up until Zumba that night, then I took the girls swimming for some family time and to wear them down.

fun and funky

2010-01-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am going to try hard to post at least once a week on this blog.

My birthday was last Monday. It was quiet and nice. My sister, Julie, colored my hair a few days before. Over the weekend, Matt took me out to dinner at Italian Kitchen (and it was DELICIOUS), while Matt's sister, Ami, took the girls and surprised me with a birthday cake when we picked them up. On my birthday, my sister Julie had us over for dinner and ice cream.

As a little birthday gift to myself, I changed my kitchen. I have been wanting to paint a chalk board wall for ages. WE LOVE IT!!! It's been so much fun. Even Sarah puts a few marks on it. It's not as messy as I thought it might become.

You might notice that the bottom cabinet color has changed too. Matt thought I was nuts at first, but as I painted more of them... (the color is Surfer by Behr)

he LOVED it as much as I do. The kitchen isn't finished, so I won't give you a pic of the whole thing until it's done. We found the doors to the top cabinets in the garage (YIPPEE!) So those are going back up too.
We have big plans for our house this year...windows, insullation, new doors, electrical, finish the basement and add a new bathroom, and other bedroom storage closet and an entertainment room, along with egress windows, painting the outside of the house and ripping out a few trees and shrubs, and moving the fence... Hopefully we can get it done, and if not...there is always next year.

2010-01-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

I SUCK at blogging lately... December was BUSY, What else can I tell you?

*Matt and I celebrated 10 years together. We ate a nice dinner at Clinkerdagger's...DELICIOUS! I would have LOVED to have spent it in New York City. Maybe next year.

*The last day of school before break, Brinley got an award for the characteristic of CARING. She is a pretty caring girl.

After the assembly, her class had a little Christmas party and gift exchange. She got a Barbie Doll... She was SO THRILLED! Can you tell? I told her to tell the girl thank you and that it's the thought that counts. She is the only 6 year old I know that hates barbies.

*We had the annual Kunz family white elephant Christmas party at my sister-in-law, Ami's house this year. We decided on breakfast Kunz style, with cheese waffles with a yummy homemade syrup (thanks Michael), sausage and hash browns. There were some real nice gifts this year...real nice.

*Christmas Eve/Day was quiet. It was well, just quiet. We didn't wake up until 9am, that was grand.The girls got lots of goodies...Brinley was excited to get a lava lamp, Littlest Pet Shop, a zhu zhu pet, legos and a snuggie. Sarah got a tub toy and a Fur Real baby bear. She LOVES it, carries it around everywhere and gives it lots of snuggles. It's really cute to watch her haul it around. My favorite of the gifts was what I made Brinley... a book sling. It's my favorite because I find about 5 books every day in her bed from the night before. Now she can just put them away herself before she falls asleep. I got the idea here.

*The day after Christmas, all of my family came into town. We had an ugly sweater party. It was fabulous. How can you go wrong with metallic leggings and a poinsettia in your hair.

The entire Erickson side was here for a whole week, which got a little overwhelming at times, but it's so nice to have all the family together.

*New Year's Eve was spent at Wolf Lodge. It's tradition to go and celebrate my Mom's birthday with a delicious steak and rocky mountain oysters. We came home about 10pm with 2 very tired girls. Brinley barely stayed up until midnight, we barely made it to 12:15...just in time for us to fall asleep so that the New Years Baby could visit. He was good to us this year. Brinley got a yo-yo (she had asked Santa for one, but Santa already got her enough crap), a soda and a light up wand. We got our usual magazine, snack and soda. Sarah got a book and some juice. Oh, and my boot, well boots, there is another one, were from Matt for our anniversary. I've always wanted a pair and I was COMPLETELY surprised that he had gotten them for me. I LOVE them!

*In the midst of all this, I came down with a severe cold that I am just now feeling better from (it's taken a week), and Sarah got Bronchitis. I have had an ear infection the last few days of this crud and Matt started feeling symptoms of it yesterday. Brinley's been lucky and has only had a cough. Thank goodness...I've had enough.

Latter Day Sentinel

2009-12-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Olivia's story was featured once again.

Latter Day Sentinel

Thank you Sarah for letting us share with you.

mop top

2009-12-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

She has wild hair. I love it. She jabbers up a storm. Tells me all about whatever it is she has in her hand and then says 'here go', and gives it to me.
she likes the camera andops to pose or make a face. I love it.

13 months is an awfully fun age.

40

2009-12-02T11:12:00.001-08:00

Matt turned 40 on the 23rd. I did really good trying to keep his surprise party a secret and Matt's sister, Ami, did a great job on telling him lies to get him to come to her house for dinner that night.I had a cake made of his car, thank you Happy Cake!!! He loves his car, so it was perfect. He did find out about the cake being made...by accident, trying to fix my voicemail, but had no clue that it was going to be as cool as it turned out. And since he was so not looking forward to turning 40, I had my niece, Melissa, make this '40 blows' centerpiece. It was a hit with all the kids who love blowpops. When Matt walked in and saw the ' shrine' I made if him, he said it looked like he was at a funeral...haha, but that really wasn't the point of it. He got lots of cards and gifts from lots of people who love him.I think I figured about 65 people at the party. We even had a few who were going to come, but couldn't make it last minute. I think we would have had over 75.He was completely blown away by all the love. He LOVED his cake. I am so glad I was able to pull it off, even if he did have some idea that something was happening. My family got him a bunch of 'old people' stuff, like depends and hemorrhoid cream. It's tradition...then the fun part is that you have to take it all back to the store for a refund and spend the money on something you want. I hope you had an awesome birthday Matt. I love you!!!

oh...and a huge THANK YOU to all those that helped me with the party and getting it all together and also for taking pictures. There is NO WAY I could have done it all by myself. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Olivia's 2nd birthday

2009-12-02T09:42:00.001-08:00

I really need to be better about posting on my blog. Life has been super busy and I just haven't had a chance to sit at the computer for blogging. Today I have a bad head cold and I feel like crap, so I'm not doing much, perfect time for posting...

for Olivia's birthday, we went to visit her little grave. Other's had visited too and left balloons...THANK YOU! It meant a lot. Matt had to work, so it was me and the girls.

We brought apples and pears and Brinely picked out a dozen roses too. Sarah sculpted an apple with her teeth before leaving it for the deer.Julie and her kids met us out at the cemetery, but it was so cold, we waited in the car for them. Brinley picked out an apple for herself and shared it with Sarah while we waited.Cody brought some carrots, well actually a huge bag. The kids scattered them everywhere. I am sure the deer feasted that night. It was a nice, quiet day. We left from there and went to the mall. We dropped the older kids off to play while we took the babies and walked around, window shopping.

We didn't make a cake this year, I didn't feel like making it. I didn't cry this year either. But made up for it the next day when I went to the WSU Spokane campus and spoke with the nursing students, which has always been healing for me.

Olivia

2009-11-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

My sweet little Olivia,

Today you should be celebrating your 2nd birthday.

You are missed.

You are a part of our lives every single day.

Two years have gone by so fast. I can't believe its been that long. I sat here tonight looking through all of her photos. I cried...and even smiled a little. She was such a tiny little thing. I can't believe how much of Sarah I see in Olivia. I know Sarah knows her. I won't let her forget, either. Brinley is good to remind us. As much as I ache to hold and cuddle my sweet baby, I go would go through it all again. This beautiful girl has brought some great blessings into our life, and others. She is an amazing little girl. There are so very many things that I would have never had the chance to do or experience if it wasn't for Olivia. I believe that no matter how hard the trials we face, it's all about the attitude we have going through them. Some things we just don't have contol over. I'm not sure what the day has planned for us. I can't really say we are going to do anything, but there is no school and so I am sure for Brinley's sake, something will be done. We will be visiting her grave and even leaving a treat for her woodlawn friends...that I know... and I'm pretty sure that there will also be some random acts of kindness around Spokane too.
I wish this was a happy birthday. Do you call it a sad birthday? I'm not really sure what to call it. I hate calling it an anniversary...the anniversary fo her life and death? I guess it's her rememberance day.

I love you Olivia! I miss you and wish you were apart of this crazy life we lead.

I try to imagine you thrown into the mix of things. A 2 year old and a 1 year old...wow, I'm not sure what to think about that. I think that you and Sarah would have grown up to be the best of friends, and have the fights like my sister, Julie, and I used to.

Sarah turns 1

2009-11-10T08:26:00.001-08:00

My baby turned 1 on Sunday.

I am a blog slacker and should have posted a happy birthday tribute on Sunday, but no...So here is to my sweet little busy bee, who loves her momma more than anyone else and at times can get really, really draining.

Sarah, you have been a joy this past year. A HUGE healing tool for me after losing Olivia, and I believe you two would have looked so much alike.

You have the wildest hair that hangs down in your face and you love to pull out the barretts we put in it. You are starting to figure out how to pull out the ponytail holders (and always when I have you in the high chair with something really messy).

You have put a smile on my face every single day. You say the cutest "oh oh" and "wow". You LOVE baby dolls and think they are funny when you poke their eyes. Now you have a stroller to push them around in...and for Brinley to push you around in, which you think is a thrill.

You didn't even know it was your birthday, but you loved it when we sang to you and thought it was fun ripping off wrapping paper. You were excited about opening the birthday card from Grandma and Grandpa Kunz. You loved your jammies that Aunt Julie got you and you wrapped yourself in them as soon as the paper came off. The dress Grama Lana and Papa Jim bought you is adorable and you thought so too ( for another post).

You loved the cake and had no problem figuring out what to do with it.

We love you little Sarah Mae. We are so happy that you are a part of our little family. Brinley thinks your the best thing in the world and loves it when you wake her up with a cuddle (and sometimes a pat on the head) every morning before school.

Hope you had a fun 1st birthday.

festivities

2009-10-31T10:44:00.001-07:00

It's just now Halloween day and I have had enough. Thursday we had trunk or treat at the church. I made the backdrop for photos and decoration. I'm guessing it was a hit. I did not realize how large it actually was. Something like 10 feet tall. Brinley is a funny girl. As soon as she puts on her costume, she strikes a superhero (or super model) pose. So when I take her picture she gets into character. This is a bunch of her friends from church.

At the trunk or treat, I tied with john McCain for silliest costume. I thought I looked stupid. Brinley tested it out for me...can you guess what I was? I am such a dork... I was a detective, but I ended up looking like Gene Shalit, without the bowtie. Yesterday was nuts!!! Brinley's entire school went roller skating, while a bunch of parents and teachers helped decorate and set up for the Carnival last night. I donated the backdrop to the school and they used it for the photo booth. When the kids got back to the school, Brinley's class had a Halloween party and they watched Wall-e. A lot of sugar went into those kids yesterday. During the party my mom showed up, unexpectedly, as a witch and brought the kids a treat. No one could figure out who she was. It was awesome!!! Even the office ladies and principal loved it, she gave them treats too. I forgot to get pictures, so we headed over to my parents after school got out to get a few photos. Sarah thought she was funny. At first, she wasn't sure what to think of her.

Brinley told me she knew it was Gramma the whole time, because she recognized her voice...and her famous cackle, she had heard it before. Grandma Lana aslo stopped by Cody's school. They have such an awesome Grandma!!!

My mom dressed as a witch even way back when I was in Kindergarten. She would read a story and then hand out a treat. I remember only 1 kid getting scared, ever. It's an awesome tradition!!!

I asked Brinley if she wanted to trick or treat tonight, she said no. It might be a quiet evening for us, thank goodness. I am Halloweened out this year.

walking

2009-10-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yay! she walks....a little. I'm sure by the time she turns one, she'll be running. Have I ever mentioned how busy she is? And that she NEVER. STOPS. MOVING.

madeline james photography

2009-10-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

My sister, Julie, and I... have started a photography business.
you can check out our blog: madelinejamesphotography.typepad.com

(it's still under construction, please leave comments...and try to be nice.)

star

2009-10-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by several people how I made the star costume.
It. Is. So. Easy.

I bought 2 1/2 yards of the stiffer quilt batting from Joann's (with a coupon, of course), you know the kind that comes on a big roll? Thats the stuff.

I folded it in half and had Brinley lay on it at an angle, so her head was kinda in the corner.

Then I measured her, to see how big I needed to make the star.

I have a ginormous roll of butcher paper laying around and made a template with it.

Then I used it to cut the star out of the batting.

I then sewed almost all the way around it, making sure that the bottom was open so that Brinley could slip it over her head.

I turned it inside out and had Brinley try it on, I felt for her face and then had her take it off so I could cut out the hile where her face would go. I then did the same for her arms and cut slits where she could put her arms through.

I bought some cheap spray paint, took it to the garage and sprayed it, then let it set overnight to dry.

The points by her legs, I stuffed with extra batting, so they would stay straight, you might add a little in the points by the arms too. ( I sewed around her head hole so that it wouldn't stretch, its worth it, I wish I would have done the same to the arm holes)

And waalaa...you have a star costume.

I was going to add some battery operated christmas lights to it....twinkle, twinkle...but Brinley didn't want them. I would have randomly poked the little lights through the costume, hiding the wires.

(forgive my typos, I have been awake since 2:30am...I can't sleep)

twinkle twinkle

2009-10-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

Friday was quite a busy day for me. I dropped Brinley off at school and then headed downtown to Sacred Heart Hospital, where 3 other mother's and I spoke to around 80 NICU and L&D nurses and a few doctors about the death of our infants. We went in chronological order, the first to speak was a mom who had a baby die 40 years ago. She never got to see him or hold him. He lived for 5 days. Then my friend, Sarah, spoke about her daughter, Grace, who was stillborn at 33 weeks in 2003. She was told to not hold or touch her baby too much because she was too fragile. I was next. In the few years between Sarah's experience and my experience, a lot had changed. I am so grateful for the Forget Me Not Program. I can't imagine being told that my baby was just too fragile...If she's dead, what more harm could I do? The next mom, my friend Jodi, talked about her twin boys, one who survived, extremely healthy, the other, died of many anomalies, including Leukemia, almost a year ago at the age of 2 months.

Being able to share our stories is healing in so many ways. Especially to nurses and doctors who make such a huge impact on families, they are the ones who make your experience either better or worse. You always remember who was in the room, what they said to you and how you, your family, and the baby were treated. If I get to make one families experience a little bit better, then I've done my job.

Later in the afternoon, I headed over t Brinley's school. The first grade was doing a little presentation on Nursery Rhymes. They were told to come to school dressed as their favorite one. I had asked Brinley a week or so ago what whe wanted to be. I figured a spider would be easy enough, especially this time of year. She suggested a star...

I popped her costume out one afternoon in about 10-15 minutes. Then spray painted it yellow and let it set overnight. She LOVED it...so did all the other kids at school who chased after her and poked at it during at the last recess, the only recess she was allowed to wear it out to.

It was a hit. Can you spot her?... They had to put her on the end because her costume was quite pointy and took up valuable space. There were lots of Jack and Jills, Little Bo Peeps, Old Mother Hubbards, and Little Boy Blues.

After school, we met up with my brother Brian and his family, who were in town for a night. They were heading out and we wanted to say bye, we were hoping they would stay later, I had cancelled plans with friends so that we could hang out with them.

Matt took me out to dinner later. We hadn't been on a date in over 2 months. It's kinda nice to get out without children. I wish we could do it more often.

freezing in greenbluff

2009-10-10T09:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we headed up to Greenbluff for some Fall fun. It's tradition to take the kids up and get pumpkins, apple cider and pumpkin donuts.

It was a short trip. The temperature up there must have been 35 with the wind chill factor. Babies do not like wind and cold. Neither do adults who have to deal with freezing children.

We had to get some pics of the kids with the pumpkins though.

My niece, Melissa, and her daughter, Kennady, came with us.

I am not in these pics, obviously, but my sister has some of us on her camera.

The kids really wanted to get a pumpkin so we did stop at another little farm and let them pick one out, I smashed Brinley's freezing cold fingers too. Yeah...not good. Poor kid.

busy. little. bee.

2009-09-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Guess what Sarah learned to do this week... CLIMB.

She got on the couch all by herself.
She got caught and laughed at me...this is going to be fun...

*****
And now she thinks its funny.

and says "uh oh"

and laughs some more.

and I was worried about her walking.

the fair

2009-09-16T14:30:00.001-07:00

last weekend we went to the fair with my sister and her family. My sister, Julie, entered a few pics and even won 3rd place in childrens portraits with a picture of my nephew. It was a pretty cool.

She entered a picture of Matt singing during a rockband marathon last Christmas. We didn't tell him until the first day of the fair when I texted him a picture of his picture. He was surprised.

Julie tried to get a family photo of us...this is the best one...sad isn't it...and Sarah isn't even in the picture. I look like a total dork and Matt is looking off into the distance at something interesting, I'm sure, because taking a family photo for him is almost as pleasing as going to the dentist.We watch too much Project Runway. Brinley has a bit of the runway attitude.

She did get a somewhat decent shot of the two of us.
It was fun.

The end.

*Has blogger gotten really sucky lately? Or is it just me?*

little miss is 10 months old

2009-09-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Sarah turned 10 months old this week and...~ is tall and skinny.

~ takes out her barretts and chews on them. I am not willing to cut her hair.

~ loves sweet potatoes, graham crackers and apple bits, but her favorite is mommy milk.

~ can say: mama, dada, nigh-nigh, uh-oh, hi and jabbers a lot.

~ loves her binky binks.

~thinks that everyone else has something more interesting to play with

~ is walking along the furniture

~ loves patting Lola's bald, round noggin

~sleeps through the night

~thinks the kitchen table is her fort

~LOVES her big sister (sisa)

~ takes tiny bites out of her gold fish crackers

~loves pretzels

~loves jumping

~ doesn't take her time waking up, when shes awake, she is up!

~ takes short 30 minute naps 2-3 times a day (once in a while I get lucky and she will sleep for 2 hours)

~loves to be in the bath as long as Brinley is in there with her

~hates to ride backwards on long car trips

~ is like the energizer bunny

~loves to play with wires (consantly trying to hide them all)

~loves to put her fingers in my mouth

~loves to walk to the school (i walk, she rides in a backpack) to pick Brinley up

~loves mer mama and dada and sisa

first day of 1st grade

2009-09-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

We aren't very good about having a bedtime during the Summer. I hate having a schedule when I don't really have to have one. Although, when school starts, it's back to schedules, bedtimes and routines.

We started our bedtime schedule about 2 days before school started, not really enough time to adjust. It took me 40 minutes to get this kid out of bed for school. Good thing I started early.

As it was time to leave, I wanted to get a picture of her.

So she made this face.

But then let me take another.
She LOVES her new class and teacher.
She got into the SPICE Program, which is a parent involvement program and they get to go on more field trips through out the year. There are only 2 classes in each grade at her school. You are either in the neighborhood class or the SPICE class, so you will have the same kids in your class all through elementary. Brinley switched classes, but finds her old friends during recesses. She does miss her friends, but hasn't had a problem making new ones. She has already been invited to a birthday party.
Her teacher is awesome! She gives the kids really cool jobs every week. Brinely's job this last week was to be the magician. She has to show the class a magic trick and even wore a cloak for her performance.
It will be a good year.

Pig Out In The Park 09

2009-09-07T08:31:00.001-07:00

Saturday evening we met up with some of Matt's nieces and nephews at Pig Out. It was a pretty nice night out, luckily, because the rain came early the next morning.

The happy dorks.And their children.

Cody and Melissa. And their adorable Miss Kennady.Clacie and Mike. I don't know why I didn't get a picture of them together. We had a really fun, relaxing time. The place was crowded, as usual. Good music, for the most part, not exactly my style, but the kids liked it.

Matt won't ever let me take a normal picture of him...well maybe this is normal.We watched a concert at one of the stages in the park. There are a lot of weirdos in Spokane. The 90's band, Cracker, was playing. Do Not get confused with Uncle Cracker, because this band wasn't that good. I think Pig Out in the Park just lets you sample all the greasy Fair food a week early, because it is the EXACT same food. Who came up with the fried snickers bar anyway? It sounds disgusting. Has anyone ever eaten one of those before?

hi again.

2009-08-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

this is the first post I have done in August. What is wrong with me?

We have had an extremely busy August. Visiting family in Utah, going to Seaside with more family and some friends and we still have to find a day to take Brinley to Silverwood. She still hasn't used the free pass she got for reading 600 minutes of books last Spring. But the most exciting thing thats been happening...

Julie and I have been working hard trying to get our website and blog done. We booked our first wedding, which is tomorrow, and have done senior pics and family pics already. We should have the website up and going this weekend...hopefully.

What do you think of our logo? And wonder where the name comes from...Brinley MADELINE Kunz and Cody JAMES Eggleston. We must have gone over a hundred names before this came up. We love it.

the ugly tree

2009-07-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

We have this tree in our yard, a Hawthorne, I hate it.

Yesterday I had my 14 year old lawn boy come over to mow the lawn. He wondered if he was able to do some other yard work too, so that he could buy his school clothes and such. I decided that he could trim a few of the smaller branches from the "Ugly Tree", as I have so lovingly named it. Well, the few small branches turned into larger branches which, in no time, turned into taking the 'Ugly Tree' out. I don't think he was expecting the work I got out of him. My amazing dad came by with his chain saw and cut up the wood as we loaded the trailer with the branches and my dad kept the bigger pieces for himself.

The thoughts of my Summers living in Vernal came back to me... Every Saturday my parents would get us up bright and early. We would dress in our finest grubby attire, pack a picnic lunch and cram ourselves into the 'Blue Bomber', our big blue van. My mom would follow my dad up into the Uintah Mountains as he drove the truck pulling an extremely large trailer. We spent most of the morning playing and talking while my dad took down trees and cut them up into pieces small enough for us to carry. Usually this was a time when we would daydream about what we would like our future to hold...it always came to opening up some sort of family business. My dad would then stop for lunch while the rest of us loaded the truck with wood: 2-3 of us piling the wood a little closer to the truck so that the next 2-3 of us could place it on the tailgate for 2 of us to stack into the truck. My dad's lunch breaks didn't last long. He ate and got right back to cutting up more wood. We still had the trailer to load. I am not sure how many cords of wood we could get on the truck and trailer, but it was a lot. We woud then get back into the van and truck and head home. The thought of a hot shower and clean clothes were on everyone's minds. When we pulled up into the driveway, it was time to unload it all and stack it with the rest of that years haul. Not until every last piece of wood was stacked and the trailer put away could we go inside. Those Saturday's hold some of my favorite memories growing up. And I believe if you ask any of my 5 siblings, they would tell you the same. I thank my dad for having such a great work ethic.

This morning I borrowed my dad's truck. With the girls in tow, we dropped off the first of 2 loads at the transfer station. Driving in the truck with my girls, me dressed in grubs and they in the first thing I found to throw on them this morning, brought back some memories of when I was little and the chosen, one or two, of us got to ride with my dad to the dump. We loved getting out of the truck to explore other peoples trash, without touching it, of course. We usually stopped off at the gas station on the way home for a pop and a treat. I didn't stop at a gas station today. But it was fun to watch Brinley doing the same thing I did as a child, asking questions about other people's stuff.

one in the morning.

2009-07-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

It's one in the morning. I can't sleep.

I had an AWESOME weekend, then came home and have been in a bit of a funk since Monday. I have been irritable, emotional, exhausted, frustrated, blah, blah, blah.

"What is going on with me!"

I guess I don't talk about Olivia as much anymore with people. Yeah, she may come up in conversation here and there, but I don't think its right that I would make people to feel bad for me, or that they think she is all I ever think about, because really I don't.

Two years ago this week (on the 13th, to be exact) was when we found out about Olivia's condition. I knew the date was coming up, but nobody else did and why would they? I figured it would come and go and that I might have a moment when I thought about it, but this long drawn out crappy whatever week I am having? Seriously? And maybe it's just compounded by other things in my life, I don't know.

It's strange how our minds remember things subconsciously. There were times last year when I had a really crappy day and then realized the date, and the memory of the year before would pop into my head. Why is that?

Two years...I am amazed at how fast time goes by. Some days it seems like Olivia was just a dream and others feel as if we had just had her. I don't dwell on her, but I see and think of her every single day, even just a for a brief moment, when I dust her picture, or stub my toe on the pig in the hallway, or in Brinley's drawings, or in noises I hear when I know Sarah is asleep and Brinley is out playing in the yard.

It feels good to express myself in writing. I've never been very good vocally. There is so much more on my mind, but best left to those who understand the questions and thoughts that run through my head.

I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and think, "why did I write this?"

july part 2.

2009-07-13T08:41:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, we took our little family to a Tears for Fears concert. Oh, what fun we had. Since my brother and his family lives over thata way, we were able to stay with them. He has 4 girls. I have 2 and Hattie is an Eggleston cousin...that is a lot of girls. We outnumbered the boys by lots. All these girls did all weekend was read books.

******

The concert was AWESOME! but we couldn't bring a camera in, or they would have taken it away...no thanks, not worth it. It was outside at a Winery in Woodinville. The weather was perfect, which was suprising for that side of the state, but I guess they have had a really dry June. Spokane is actually greener right now...anywho...We layed out a big blanket and brought a picnic dinner. We watched everone get drunk around us, which was entertaining in itself. Matt sang every word of every song. Brinley knew about half the words, but recognized every song. We grew up with Tears For Fears, so why shouldn't our girls. I bought t-shirts for Matt, Brinley and I. Brinley will have to grow into hers, but it works great as a night shirt for now.

*****

Saturday we drove the North Cascade Highway. GORGEOUS!
We stopped and got ice cream before the long drive...

Brinley enjoyed hers.
This is Diablo Lake. I want to camp here. It was beautiful.

This was the river coming after one of the dams. I think there are at least 3 in on the drive. The water was a turquiose green/blue color. It was really beautiful.

Gorgeous mountains. I love this place. I want to live there.

July part 1

2009-07-12T23:41:00.001-07:00

So I am only a week late posting these pics.

We had a really fun 4th and here are some pictures to prove it. Sarah and her silly smile. My friend, Rachel, made the flowers in my girls hair. (I would post her shop on Etsy, but Etsy is down right now.)Hello! Little Matt. They even make the same face.

******

We went to Fish Lake with some family and friends.

My sister, Julie, always trying to get her husband, Merv, to laugh. Lots of fun on the lake.

*****

Afterward, we headed our sunburned selves downtown for the fireworks in Riverfront Park.

Julie was feeling patriotic.
We have to have a sno cone while we wait for the sun to go down, it's tradition.

Matt and I are made for each other... a couple of nerds, for sure.

the Eggs.

2009-06-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

My sister's kids. Lola's eyes just pop.
And she is getting quite smiley.

Cody is just a sweet little boy.

happy.

2009-06-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

She is always so happy.And her two front teeth make her smile even more adorable. She finally got a hair cut. Her 3 inch mullet is now gone.

I'm not sad to see it go.

diagram of my babies wild hair.

2009-06-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

It's sad that when you have a baby that is born with a lot of hair, they eventually wear it off in the back. Then they get to the age of the "funky-do", and your not quite sure what to do with it. Do you cut off the mullet? Do you just let it be? What about the 2 horrible dreadlocks that stick straight out from her head?...AHHHHHH!

silly sarah.

2009-06-17T01:05:00.000-07:00

She was sooooo tired.

I would have stuck my tounge out too.

But even as tired as she was, she gave me a smile too.

love a find

2009-06-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't stepped into a Walmart in more than a month. Today I needed to go there for some reason and at the moment, don't know why I chose Walmart. I prefer Target.

Anywho.

As I strolled (yes, I got to stroll in Walmart, of all places) down the isles, I spotted this: I LOVE it...for $6. It fits nicely into the tiny kitchen I have and I get a drawer back to use as I like.

Sometimes, the trip to Walmart is worth it.

cousins are awesome

2009-06-17T00:49:00.000-07:00

and I can't wait for when Sarah and Lola will grow up and become best friends...just like Brinley and Cody.

goodbye Kindy-garten.

2009-06-17T00:29:00.001-07:00

She graduated...rrr, well, got a certificate for finishing Kindergarten.

Our school district doesn't allow Kindergarten graduations.

She was so excited! And I am most positive that I had that exact same certificate when I actually did graduate Kindergarten. We had the whole hat and gown, walk down the isle, sing a song, play the xylophone, walk across the bridge, shake the Principal and teacher's hand, eat some cake, graduation...I have pictures to prove it and I remember almost every detail of that day. But i did come up with an idea for a gift. I will just say, Wordle is awesome! It's free and you can make some cool stiff with it. LOVE IT! And she will tell you how to do it and get an awesome outcome (love her blog). I added all of the kids names from her class, her teachers name, her school, the school year and the word Kindergarten. Then you just click the button and the website does all the work for you.

His gift includes:

*framed Wordle print

*2 tickets to the movies

*a thank you card from me

*and a sweet letter from Brinley,

with a little help with spelling, but it was all her. Thats a lot of writing for a 6 year old to do in one night.

I hope he likes it. Men teachers are hard to get stuff for.

just stuff.

2009-06-04T16:00:00.001-07:00

First of all, thank you everyone for the suggestions. There was an overall consensus of movie tickets/gift cards. I think I know what I am going to do now, so THANK YOU! We still have 2 weeks of school left, so I will post about what the gifts are next week.

On to my baby:

She is getting big, 7 months next week. To my surprise, a tooth popped up yesterday. My sweet baby turned into a clingy cranky baby overnight. She wants her momma close by her. If I can get a picture of it, I will. Brinely didn't get a tooth until 13 months. I was hoping Sarah would have waited too. oh, well.

Have you ever known a kid to not like a Bumbo chair? I give you this child. 3-5 minutes while I feed her some carrots or sweet potatoes, but that's it. She wants out immediately.

My sister, Julie, found this adorable antique high chair at a yard sale the other day (thanks Julie!) It fits nicely with the age of my house. It's some what small. It fits in my kitchen. Its adorable. Sarah loves it, but she can't quite sit up by herself yet...she is getting there though. This high chair doesn't come with a restraint so I had to come up with something so she wouldn't slide out. Problem solved...for now: The "Betty Belt' as it is known in our house. It belongs to Brinley who, surprise, found it at a yard sale about a month ago. It works for now, but my plans are to make a little seat cover and seat belt.

It seems as if Summer has finally arrived in Spokane. The weather here has been gorgeous. As of yesterday and today I have trimmed all the hedges (not a small task), killed off as many weeds as I could, planted my last tomato plant (we should have a nice little garden of green beans, peas, cucumbers, tomatoes, zucchini, crookneck squash, pumpkins and watermelon), mowed our small backyard, but left the big side and front yard for Matt, got the sprinkler system working with the help of my Papa (Thanks Dad!), and will start painting the picnic table my mom gave us. I found a bright shade of orange in the basement that I think will actually look pretty cool on the table. It was left here from the previous owners...they had some interesting color choices in this house.

Next week I will be helping out in Brinley's class a few extra days. Next Friday is a field trip to the bowling alley for the kindergartners, while the rest of the school gets to go to a movie at the Garland, Monsters vs. Aliens...Lucky!

We will be having our annual Erickson Family Yard Sale next weekend. This time it will be held at my house. I am sure my brother, Jared, is happy about that. Matt is excited to have his garage back.

suggestions wanted!

2009-06-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am in need of some teacher gifts. I am usually good about coming up with something, but Brinley's teacher is MALE! What do you get a male teacher? Also, I need to get a thank you gift for her bus driver too.

Any suggestions?

links to any blogs would be great too...like this one.

Thanks ya'll!

been there, done that.

2009-05-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

We did it.

We drove FOREVER, actually, about 2 1/2 hours to see this: Was it worth it? Not so much.

Yeah, they are pretty. But when it's 90 degrees, there are two babies under 7 months, you forget the sunscreen, the hiking is not for mothers with small children and did I mention it was HOT, it's not a good combination.
CHEESE!
oh, and I got my hair cut and colored. I LOVE it. It's one of the easiest hairstyles I've had. Nobody noticed it was colored so much, but they all thought I had gotten a tan, that made me happy because then I know it looks natural. Cutie-patootie Heather and me and Sarah. I love this backpack. I used it with Brinley, Cody had it before that, Makaela before that. It's awesome!

We found every shade spot possible. Practically running to stay covered from the sun. I asked Brinley if I could get a picture of her with the falls behind her.

She posed.

So I asked again and again and again.

What a goofball.

movie night.

2009-05-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

The boys all went fishing this weekend. That left all the girls home with the kids. What do you do with a 3 day weekend and no men around?

*Take the kids to a movie* Sarah did awesome, not a peep from her, okay, a squeal here and there, but she was amazingly good. Little Lola wasn not too happy at the thought of a movie and didn't make it through the trailers before Julie ended up taking her home. I don't think she was feeling very well. Brinley and Cody loved it. There favorite part, The Thinker.

Great family movie.

Tomorrow we are off to this place:

Doesn't this place look magical?

I don't know a single person who has been to see the Palouse Falls, but I know a lot of people who have wanted to go. I'll let you know if it's worth it.

just like mom.

2009-05-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

Barbara, this ones for you.

2009-05-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

( I know you read this, Barbara, so please forgive me, or you can just go ahead and write it in the notebook *smile*)

For the past few months, I have been working on a project. I thought about what this project should be. I eventually settled on something I knew would be perfect.
I worked on this project while my baby slept, while Brinley was at school, when Matt would come home and play with the girls. I finished it just in time.

My Mother in-law turned 75 this past Monday.

(I LOVE this picture of her, she looks so happy)

This is where the project became a gift.

There are two things I know for sure about my Mother in-law, one, she loves the color blue, and, two, she loves to read. So, I made this lap quilt for her. I am not one to use a pattern when it comes to making quilts, but this one just jumped out at me and it had her written all over it. The back, however, is not a pattern. That part is all me.

I have a book in mind to go along with it, but I am still trying to get that half of the gift to her...if I could find the book.

Barbara, I'm sorry that this is almost a week late, but I want to thank you for being such a wonderful Mother and Grandmother. You have always accepted me for who I am, even the times when I have been ornery, which is often. I know your notebook on me would have so much more written in it than mine ever would.

Brinley loves you and has a very awesome relationship with you. She has a love of music that I know was gained from your singing to her as a baby, letting her 'play' your piano and your teaching her all the songs she sings now, like 'Little Boy Blue'. She talks of you often and is always so excited to visit you.

I hope Sarah will have a relationship with you the same way you have one with Brinley.

******

Last Saturday, the Kunz kids threw a little party for Barbara. All of her children were here. Since it's not often that the siblings are together, we took some photos.

Sarah got to hang out with her Aunts all day too. Thank you Toni, Juli and Ami for watching my girls for me and to Lori for having the party at her house. I am really, really glad to have married into such an awesome family.

happy day.

2009-05-15T11:30:00.001-07:00

My last post felt a little depressing. I thought I should post about happy things this time around.

*******

We bought some couches from some friends. Last night, our friends brought us new-to-us couches. Ours were really, really sad. We moved them downstairs where the kids can take them apart, build forts out of them, jump off of them, you know, the things that kids want to do with furniture that parents never let them.
So here they are:

my lighting was bad, they really do match.
We love them already. They are coushier and more comfortable than our last ones. Thank you Farman family. Especially to Chris, who had to help Matt move our old couch downstairs and the new ones in the front froom. Not an easy job. (We had to take the old couch outside and around to the back door then remove the front door and entry light fixture to get the new couches in) These couches won't be going anywhere for a long time.
********
Spring is finally here...I hope. We have had a few cold nights, but I think my plants will start to survive the now, warmer weather. My beans and peas have come up already. The plants that are in the house are outgrowing their little pots. I am going to plant them outside today. The flowers in the cup were from Brinley, she picked all the tulips in our yard. At least we get to enjoy them for a few days. I guess it's time to throw these ones out. (sorry, my sink is disgusting, I need to do some dishes.)
********
Today I am taking Sarah swimming for the first time. She loves baths, so this should be fun. Brinley is a little fish and is so excited that I am actually going to be in the water with her. At least at the Y, it's all a bunch of moms with babies and toddlers. One problem, the only swim suit I have right now is a maternity one. Nice. I am not about to go out and buy a new one while I am still losing weight, so I am just going to wear a cover up. And no, I won't be taking a picture of myself...and neither will you, Julie.
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This weekend is packed with lots of fun stuff.
*Brinely has a spend-the-night with her cousin, Cody.
*shooting a wedding with my friend, Karen, Saturday afternoon.
* getting together with some family and friends.
* My Mother in-law is celebrating her 75th birthday on Monday. I am sure we will be stopping by with birthday wishes sometime before then.
*editing photos, oh wait, I do that ALL THE TIME, maybe I'll be taking a break from that this weekend.
*working in the yard and gardening. YAY!
* Oh, and its supposed to get up to 80 degrees on Sunday WOOHOO!, we will definitely be spending some time outside.

Hope you all have a GREAT weekend!

time.

2009-05-11T10:03:00.001-07:00

I was pretty sure that I would get through today without crying, that it wouldn't affect me too much, that I would remember her without the emotion. My beautiful Olivia should be running around the house, wanting me to play with her, needing me to snuggle her and I can't do any of it. Today, Olivia would be 18 months old.

I can't imagine having 2 babies in the house, how crazy my life would be. The many things that wouldn't get done, the diapers I would need to change, the schedule I would have to keep, the people I wouldn't have met, the families that may have not gotten photos of their child without me, the test of my faith, the things I would have not learned.

Olivia, I miss you but I know that you are happy and healthy. You watch over me and help me through the hard times.

So forgive me, if you call and I don't answer the phone and that if I do, I sound a little down. I miss my baby and this is just one of the many milestones that she won't be here for.

The world does not stand still for parents who's child has died. But their lives have changed forever and over time, people forget that. Yesterday, I did my best to remember everyone I know that has an angel. I emailed most of them and told them that I was thinking of them, because I was. Many have other children and have had a child or two since their loss, many of them had their very first Mother's Day without their child with them. And one in particular, who I visited in person, has lost all 3 of her children and spent Mother's Day alone (her husband has also passed away). I wanted her especially to know that I was thinking of her. I cried with her. I didn't get a chance to stay long, but I am going to do my best to visit her often.

I thank my Heavenly Father for Olivia everyday. I thank Him for letting her be part of my family. I thank Him for teaching me patience, faith and serving others. For teaching me that I can get through the hardest of things. And...that I CAN speak in front of large groups of people and not be nervous.

18 months, Olivia. I can't believe it's been that long.

6 months.

2009-05-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

My sweet little baby is 6 months old today.Where did the time go?

Her favorite things include:

eating. she loves sweet potatoes and carrots, but prefers mom over anything. She likes mum-mum crackers and puffs too.

playing. she loves her johnny jump up. LOVES it! She also likes to roll around on the floor, but tends to get stuck next to the couch. She also loves to stare at herself in the mirror.

talking. She is quite the vocal child and says "dadadada" all the time. Matt doesn't mind. She enjoys sticking her tongue out and blowing razzies.

mornings. I really do wish she would sleep past 6am, but she loves her mornings. She jabbers and plays while I try to take a little nap on the couch.

outside. she loves being outside. I don't blame her, she hasn't seen much of it in her short life. What do you expect when your born in the winter. she hangs out in the Kelty back pack while I garden or rake or push Brinley on the swing.

She is still quite happy most of the time. Loves her sister. No one can get her laughing like Brinley.

But today, on her 1/2 birthday, she is sick with a cold and woke up with a cough.

Nice.

my girls.

2009-05-03T08:52:00.001-07:00

The other day Brinley wanted to play outside with some friends we had over. It was getting a little chilly and I asked Brinley to go put something warmer on. She came out looking like this:The girl loves skirts, so why not accessorize...with snow boots, gloves and a fleece hat. She has a funny sense of humor.

Brinley adores her little sister. Once in a while, she dresses her up in sunglasses and a hat or something. Sarah doesn't mind all that much. She loves Brinley to pieces and gets so excited to see her when she comes home from school.

Sarah loves her Johnny jump-up. She falls asleep in it every so often.

I love these little moments.

award.

2009-05-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

This past week, Brinley recieved an award for Trustworthiness from her teacher. There were actually about 20 or so kids that actually got the same award, but Brinley still felt 100 feet tall. Her favorite part was that she got a sucker too. I am pretty proud of her.

In fact, when she did something at home that she lied about, she said, "I guess I wasn't being very trustworthy, was I." I'm glad that she understands what it means, especially since it's such a big word for her.

Seattle.

2009-05-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we went to visit my brother and his family on the west side of the state. His oldest two girls were up visiting during spring break.

When you get with cousins, why not all play together...as in next to each other while you all are on your own DS. Sarah just made faces, lots of them.
We went to Pike Place Market and down on the pier.

Ate at the Crab Pot. I had a hamburger, if you were wondering. (I don't like fish. YUCK!)

(Aren't these girls gorgeous!)Brinley had Calamari and chips. She LOVES calamari.

We checked out the boats on the water and watched the birds poop on everything.

Bought some real nice jewelry at Ye Old Curiosity Shoppe.

Laughed with Jasmine when she got scared by the monk fish.

Sat on the ginormous brass pig.

Tried to cram as many people into an elevator as possible along with a stroller.

Found this really cool bench made out of books and had to take a picture sitting on it.

Ate some amazing food at a restaraunt that my Sister-in-law works at.

See, it was delicious.

And really did hang out and play with the cousins.

questions answered

2009-04-26T18:35:00.001-07:00

For those of you that have asked about how I made Brinley's birthday cake, here is the link, (hillarious post to read, by the way). You can thank my niece, Betsie, for letting me know about it.

the flowers in my header can be seen at Manito Parks Conservatory. I think they were the only thing in bloom when I took them. I've noticed a lot of the trees have finally blossomed. Can't wait for the lilacs.

The "Death Cab For Cutie" concert was AWESOME! Matt and I were the oldest people sitting in our section. We brought binoculars and I could just see the faces of all the kids sitting around us, the "why would anybody bring binoculars to this concert" face. Little did they all know that the guy playing bass was wearing orange stripped socks and used a pick, the guitarist was wearing Nikes and the singer was actually singing...so there!...I think deep down, they wanted to take a peek too. Also, some lame-o girl in front of us lit up a cigarette. Being the "old fart" of the section, I ratted her out. Totally worth it.

Sundays.

2009-04-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

The only day I get to sleep in past 6am. Church doesn't start until 11...LOVE IT!

Brinley's birthday.

2009-04-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

So before I head off to see Death Cab For Cutie tonight, I thought I would post once more because I might not get to it for a coupld more days.

Here is Brinley's birthday. Monday we took AWESOME rainbow cupcakes to school (i didn't even notice that they matched Brinley's shirt. Maybe thats why she picked it out). They were a hit with everyone. Thank you Betsie, for the idea. LOVED IT! However, I don't recommend doing rainbow cupcakes...pain in the behind.

Later, we invited a few friends and family over for a BBQ. Brinley choose steak, potatoes and corn for the menu. It was delicious, even if my plate was stepped on, ran over by a wagon and soda spilled on it, none of which was done by me.

She choose the color of frosting and asked for sparkle candles, which i was not about to drive out to Walmart for. The squiggly ones would just have to do.

We cut open the cake and surprised everyone with yet another rainbow cake. Way easier than the cupcakes. It was a hit.

Brinley was spoiled rotten. WAY SPOILED! She got a Nintendo DSi, including games and a case, Heelies (she is still trying to figure out how to walk in them), an umbrella and sunglasses (which we took to Seattle, but didn't end up needing), Littlest Pet Shop (one of her favorite toys), money (another fav), bubbles and a ladybug garden stake (which keeps moving around in the garden area). It was a fun day for her.

That night she had all of her gifts taken away for three days. I guess maybe you should be thankful for what you get and not complain about things...

Outdoor Learning Center

2009-04-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

Brinley has had 2 field trips in 2 weeks. It's been to the same place, but they have learned about different things.

The first time they went, the kids learned about life cycles, made a craft about the life cycle of a lady bug and became ants, sniffing out the scent of rootbeer.

(see the boy on the right? Brinley thinks he's pretty cute)

The second time, they learned all about birds. They got to go through an obstacle course, as birda, of course.(she is "flying" over buildings here)

and they got to meet the new bald eagle that was sent here from Alaska. He was hit by a car. He's blind in one eye and missing a wing.

meetings.

2009-04-24T13:12:00.001-07:00

The MISS meeting this month was quiet. There weren't any new families this time. It's nice to be able to talk about things a little more in depth. We don't always get that chance when there are new families.

Matt and I are also on a parent panel. He's been to the meetings, but usually can't make it to the classes and things that happen during the day. We were all invited to speak at a class for infant loss to nurses, doctors, chaplains, etc. I enjoy going to these types of classes. It keeps Olivia close and I always learn something, usually the medical side of things, but it facinates me. Yesterday, we were invited to share our story with students at ICN. This was my 3rd or 4th time doing this. Again, I enjoy sharing my story and answering questions.

I think I get a break from meetings the rest of this month.